Drowning in the downpour...

Disclaimer: This is a long post with lots of depressing/sad information. There is no sarcasm, wit, or sillyness. I am sorry for this but that's just not where I am right now.

I haven't wanted to talk about all of this because it's a lot of downers (and that's really not what my blog is about) and it's a little too personal to put out there, except that I have no other options. On Sunday morning I got a call from my mom that I was dreading. As soon as I saw her name pop up I knew why she was calling and burst into tears. My grandma was on a ventilator in the hospital and passed away that morning. She was fine a week ago and even took the grandkids and great-grandkids into the city for a day trip. She was a amazing woman with more courage, love, compassion and strength than anyone else I've known. What's even more is that she didn't have to be my grandma, she was my god-father's wife's mother. (follow that train?) When I was a little girl my dad's mother said some very hateful things to me and essentially banished me from her life (all are her issues that I worked out in years of therapy but that is a WHOLE different topic that I am totally over). When my grandma found out about what happened she pulled me aside and said, "I will always love you. I will always be your grandma. Don't let anyone ever try to tell you differently." She didn't have to be my grandparent, but chose that role for her and her husband. She attended every grandparent celebration at school, and treated me just like all the other grandkids, punishing my god-brothers' cousin who said I wasn't family. When my god-father was killed in an accident she kept the family together and running. When I got sick several years ago she sat with my parents in the hospital waiting room after everyone else left. She was an amazing woman and today is her funeral. I am 525 miles away. It's not that I don't want to be there, logistically I simply can't. I can't afford a plane ticket, I wouldn't have been able to drive there in time, and it just was not possible to go. Needless to say I am a wreck this week.

Add to that that Girlfriend and I are in a rough place right now. We're both struggling with things right now (different issues for each of us) and it's really hard right now. We've been together for almost a year and she's having some financial problems that I've recently learned a lot more about. Her dad is going to pay off her debt and she is going to pay him interest free which is awesome. He wants her to move back in with him so he can help her out. Now before I go further, her dad and I are cordial. We're polite to each other and can keep a conversation going for a little bit, but please don't leave us to ourselves for more than thirty minutes as awkward silence will be inevitable. With that said, let's be real-he is an overbearing, I'm-always-right, do-it-my-way-or-you'll-never-hear-the-end-of-it man who has more than once thought she was "being gay to get back at him." He even lied to her grandparents about Thanksgiving and said she was with other relatives and not me (they all know she's gay) but that is a totally different issue too. She lived with him for a little while and hated every moment of it because he controlled everything and she always felt like she was doing something wrong and had no freedom. I being me, tried to fix this and I offered her an alternative: move in with me. Guess what she picked? Here's a hint, it's not living with me. I'm trying to be understanding (there is a lot more to it than her just saying no-in a nutshell her partner of six years left one morning for work and never came back, leaving her a "Dear John" letter on the kitchen counter so she has fears of moving in) but it's really hard. I feel like I need to be careful about what I say to her right now because I don't want to make her feel guilty or bad about choosing to move back in with her dad, which is putting me in a hard spot. Clearly I can't talk to her about it right now and my best friend (former roommate) is away visiting her and her boyfriend's family for the holidays.

Top it all off with the fact that I am having some health problems that I'm now starting to get really worried about. Way back in October I got the flu, remember that? Well at the same time as I got the flu my period started and was really really bad for a couple of hours then was gone. Since it stopped abruptly I went to the doctor because that was not normal. They told me that I was fine and it was probably just because of the flu and not to worry. So I didn't. It's essentially January-I still have not had my period again yet I get all the symptoms and pain. I didn't go back to the doctor because I just kept assuming that it would come and I would get back on my schedule. It's going on almost four months now and I'm going to go to a different doctor to hopefully get some answers.

So if we put it all together this makes me one gigantic mess of a person who feels like crap all around. To make it worse I can't really talk to anyone about it because my family is obviously a mess, my best friend is away and Girlfriend is dealing with her own issues. B is tired of listening to me but has been very loving while I've been crying on the couch since Sunday. If you made it this far, thank you for listening. I promise to get back to my sarcastic, witty, silly self as soon a possible but right now I'm just drowning in the downpour...

It must be love...

Girlfriend asked for cinnamon rolls for breakfast so cinnamon rolls I deliver. She does not have any food allergies so I could have just ran to the grocery store and picked up some pre-made rolls but then I can't have them and that would just make Sunday brunch suck. Instead I busted out my cookbook and made them from scratch. I started all the prep-work around 4:15...it's currently 7:25 and I just took them out of the oven. Now, granted they did proof for an hour and a half, but still-if that isn't love I don't know what is. In case you are wondering I've made them today because the idea of getting up at 6am to mix the flour, let it rise for an hour and a half, bake them and make cream cheese icing was simply not appealing. What is appealing is making everything tonight, reheating them in the oven tomorrow morning and seeing a huge smile on her face. (sorry, that last part was uber-vomit inducing). Happy weekend!

Confirming the obvious (Updated)

If this isn't the best Christmas gift on a budget, I don't know what is...vacation memories, her animals and her favorite college sports team all wrapped up in one useful gift that she actually needs. Yup, I just gave myself a pat on the back for this one :-)

Update: Girlfriend loved her gift and got all teary-eyed. Success!

Sick Kitty :-(

Last night we had to rush Girlfriend's kitty L to the emergency vet. He was throwing up for about 3 hours and just wasn't acting like his usual self. The last time he threw up it was all pink and orange which prompted us to thrown on jackets, put him in the carrier and race to the vet. L normally puts up a HUGE fight and hides when we even THINK about getting the carrier out. Last night he just stayed still, let us pick him up and he walked into the carrier...something was definitely wrong. The vet did an exam and took x-rays while we waited anxiously. The x-rays came back fine and the vet thinks he probably ate something that didn't sit well and the pink/orange color was probably from him vomiting so much that he irritated his stomach. I was supposed to have Sears come and re-balance my washer/dryer today but I called them and they are now coming next week. Today I am sitting at Girlfriend's place monitoring L and making sure he doesn't get sick again. Apparently everyone is getting in on the sleepy act today from all the excitement last night:I'd like to end this downer of a post on two funny stories. The first comes from when we were waiting at the vet for x-ray results:

Me: (looking down at our shirts) Oh man.

Girlfriend:What?

Me: Look at us, we're all matchy-matchy. I hate when we're all matchy-matchy. It's really gay.

(I was wearing a solid green shirt, Girlfriend was wearing a green striped sweater and both of us were in similar shaded jeans)

Girlfriend: That's really gay? How about the fact that we are sitting in a vet's exam room late at night with a sick cat. THAT'S really gay.

Me: (laughing) True but the clothes are not helping.

Texts back and forth when Girlfriend was at work. L had thrown up all over the bed and I wanted to check that the sheets on top of the dryer were clean before I put them and washed the dark gray sheets that he threw up all over.

Girlfriend: Yes. Re-read the text you just sent me...

previous text [Are the light gay sheets on the dryer clean? L just got sick.]

Me: Hahahaha, well at least you knew what I meant!

Girlfriend: You of all people should know there is nothing light about my gay.

Thine name is Awesome

Girlfriend put us on a budget of twenty dollars for Christmas. This would have been awesome except that I already had a working list of ideas of things I could get her, none of which were under the $20 limit. I am not a generic gift giver (see Girlfriend's birthday last year) and it was KILLING me to give her some random, non-special, run of the mill $20 gift. I went as far as calling my mom for help and her non-helpful statement was, "Sorry kid, sounds like you're screwed." Needless to say my attitude was in the crapper and I was beginning to seriously stress about this. That is until today when I was getting Christmas cards and random stuff at Target. I saw this and the lightbulb inside my little head sparked!

The wheels started turning, the ideas started flowing and my excitement because uncontainable. Girlfriend is totally getting a new travel mug (which she needs) BUT it is going to have several custom hand-made inserts of the animals (individually and collectively), our trip to Hawaii and all things saxophone. Who's awesome? That would be me. I was so excited at Target that I high-fived myself (don't judge) and called my mom (who agreed that yes, I am awesome) because I was too proud to keep this to myself. Oh, and I got Girlfriend's mom a gift certificate for a massage. Yes you are correct, I did just get more awesome.

Hawaii 101

Girlfriend and I just got back from a week in Hawaii (hard life I know) and while we were there I kept a running list of things I felt you should know because as you know, I love lists. Here are my observations for you, listed as we noticed them throughout the week:

1. Sand.

I've been to the beach on several states on the Atlantic coast and at every beach the sand has been small fine grains that attach to your skin and stay for eons. Not so much in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Girlfriend put it best when she looked at me while laying on the beach and said, "I feel like we are laying in really clean kitty litter." At first I thought she was kidding but she was right (as usual).

2. Pigeons.

Pigeons are everywhere. In the middle of the Pacific Ocean there is an abundance of pigeons. they are freakishly allowed everywhere as well. I've always considered pigeons to be flying rats and was less than thrilled that they were just walking around, hanging out in restaurants...and no one else seemed to care. How is that not a health issue? I mean there they were stalking my food, flapping around, and yet no one was bothered by this. This is Roger by the way, he sat with us while we ate ice cream.

3. Rainbows.

Rainbows are the staple of our community identity. Not so much in Hawaii. As Girlfriend said in exasperation, "Freakin' rainbow misdirection!" after we chatted with two hot surfer girls we thought were family. Nope. Just Hawaiian. Even the buses mess with your head. You're not getting on The Gay Bus, just The Bus.

4. Cockroaches.

While hiking Diamond Head Crater we saw several cockroaches. How did they get to the top of a volcanic crater in the middle of the ocean? They truly are everywhere and will outlive everything else.

5. Cacti.

I've not considered Hawaii to be a desert, and in my mind cacti only grow in deserts. Yet, there they were chillin on the side of rocks all over. Please enlighten me about this because all I've ever learned in school was that cacti grow in deserts. I'm confused...

6. Ya.

"Ya" is the Hawaiian equivalent to the Canadian "Eh?" Girlfriend and I started using towards each other, as it is an awesome way to end a sentence, ya.

7. Pretty.

No matter how many times you pass places you will repeatedly said, "Wow, it's so pretty!" The whole freaking place looks like one giant postcard making me reach out and touch plants to make sure they were really real and not fake.

Seriously?

Girlfriend and I were at Lowes food getting dinner supplies when we came across this lovely sign. Seriously, who the hell is in charge of the spell check at Lowes? Apparently no one. It gets worse people...the parmesan cheese says, "Tradtional style" leaving me concerned about the future of our country.

Countdown is underway!

My parents arrive on Saturday. One guess as to who is not ready. The house is messy, the list of things to do is growing exponentially and time is dwindling down. They will be visiting me from Saturday to Friday (yes, that is a LOT of days I KNOW!) and I've made my dad a list of things to around the house to let him feel like "The Dad" even though we both know I could do everything on the list myself. When I told Girlfriend that they were going to be getting here on Saturday here is how the conversation went:

Girlfriend: Saturday? I thought they were going to be here on Monday?

Me: You and me both. Well, at least you get to meet them before Thursday.

Girlfriend: Um.....I'll meet them Thursday.

Me: Ok. Here's how this is going to go. I want you to be here and meet them Saturday. The answer I'm looking for is yes. You have a week to get yourself comfortable with that answer okay?

Girlfriend: Um......

Me: So when I ask, 'Are you spending the night here Friday?' The answer I'm looking for is yes. You want me to make more decisions, and now I'm making one (insert big cheesy grin here).

Girlfriend: But, but, but, your parents are scary!

Me: Honey you've never met them! AND they already like you. AND nothing is scarier than you dad.

Girlfriend: Hey! What do you mean?

Me: Need I remind you when we started dating you were still staying at your dad's?

Girlfriend: No, I remember that.

Me: Well nothing is scarier than being a loud abrasive northern and eating breakfast with a large Southern man whose daughter I'm sleeping with.

Girlfriend: (laughing) Ok, you win. Yes. I will be here on Saturday.

Just wondering

Why is it that when you go to the doctor and get a shot it leaves no lasting mark but the band-aid you have to rip off leaves red battle wounds for days?!?! Where do doctors get these ridiculous industrial glue band-aids and why can't they just use normal ones like we get at the store. You know, ones that stick but also come off without taking off the top two layers of skin? That is all, carry on.

Per Request...

I wanted to spare you the gross factor and not show you my jacked up hand, but since I got a request (and I hate to disappoint) I feel obligated to share a picture. In case you are wondering, no, that's not a shadow-my finger really is three different colors. I wore a band-aid over it today so the kids couldn't see it, but they got curious when they saw all the blue/purple/black. I showed those that were interested in seeing it and told them the story of what happened-being sure to include how I didn't cry once...they were thoroughly impressed (as they should be) and I've reclaimed my rightful spot as toughest kid in class. Fun Story: One kid fell on the playground today and was rolling around as if they were dying (he was totally fine and milking it). As I was watching this unfold I overheard one student look down and say, "You're fine." Then another classmate joined in with, "Yeah, it's not like you stabbed a knife through your finger like Miss ______, you just tripped." I'm glad to know that my pain and suffering is now the gauge as to which child complaints are judged by their peers.

Update on my flesh wound

Update: My mom was really upset that Acute Care was closed so I sucked it up and went to Urgent Care which was still open. When he took off the gauze that I spent 30 minutes wrapping myself his first words were, "Wow! Man, how did you do that?!" Really? They gave you a medical license and that's the first thing you say when you see my wound? He then said, "Um, I'm not quite sure how to fix this." Yes, my confidence level dropped through the basement at that moment.

Anyway, They soaked my hand in some pink antiseptic stuff. He said it wouldn't sting-he lied. I would have been fine if he told me it would sting, why did he lie and make me unprepared for the pain? Then I just looked like a big weenie instead of tough. I'm tough, I just was trusting the liar who said it wouldn't sting. He then debated stitching or gluing my hand back together and which would be the best solution. Ultimately he decided that gluing it would be the best course of action since I waited almost 5 hours to seek medical attention. I also had the joy of getting a tetanus shot (Holy Mother F*cker did that hurt!) just to be safe.

It made Mom happy and now (hopefully) my finger won't get all funky and infected...and maybe if I'm lucky I'll get a bad-ass scar...just sayin. Oh, and I called and told Girlfriend (after everything was good and glued) to let her know what had happened. I figured if she saw my jacked up hand and I hadn't told her about it, nothing good could happen. She was not thrilled I didn't tell her until then but understood my reasoning so she forgave me. She also said she was proud of me and that I was very tough :-D when I sent her pictures I had been sending to Mom while debating seeking medical attention. I left out the part when I almost passed out at the doctor's office. I'm still not sure what happened. I'm not afraid of needles, I'm not squeamish about blood, my only thought was that I hadn't eaten since breakfast and the pain got to me. Now I've shared too much and you no longer think I'm tough. :-( But I am tough (stamping my foot!) even Girlfriend said so!

Holy Mother F*cker!

I've gotten used to living on my own, and have even come to enjoy it...that is until today. It all started when I went to make lunch (stuffed portobello mushrooms) and was chopping onions. They were slippery and I have a jacked up cutting board since the good ones didn't belong to me and I never got around to getting a new one. (If you don't know where this is going shame on you!) Do you ever have that moment where you know something bad is going to happen, but you can't stop yourself? Like you can tell it's going to be bad in your mind but your body won't cooperate? I sensed this was not going to end well and as that feeling came over me, the knife stabbed through the entire top of my index finger. Holy mother f*cker! It bled and bled and bled to the point where I took a picture and sent it to my mom (she's a paramedic) to find out how to fix it. She told me to go to acute care in case I needed stitches, but alas when I arrived they were closed. She then sent me to get gauze pads and roller gauze to fix it myself since I had bled through 3 bandaids. Here's something I didn't know I didn't know until about 20 minutes ago...it is damn near impossible to apply a gauze pad and wrap your own index finger, especially when it's the top half you have mutilated. Normally I would have had Girlfriend help but she's away visiting her Grandpa, so it's just me and the dog. It has finally stopped bleeding but hurts like a bitch now that I have taken the ice off it...and I'm still hungry because when all this happened I gave up on lunch. No Girlfriend, no lunch and I f*cked up my hand. What a shitty Sunday.

I want to adopt this kid!

Quick story from class today because it's just too awesome not to share. My students were playing a Word Wall game where every kid had a white board and marker on the carpet. One child would write and say a sentence with one word missing that was on the Word Wall. The first kid to figure out the missing word (and spell it correctly on their board) got to pick the next word/phrase. (Side note: I make them write their sentence to make sure it makes sense, you would not believe how many times they come up with a "sentence" that has no subject, predicate or connected thought ending in frustrated classmates.) One child, who shall now be named Coolest Kid Ever was up and he asked me for a suggestion word. I gave him the word "that's" because students have been having trouble with where apostrophes go in contractions. He looked at me with a big smile and quickly began writing on his white board. As he finished I turned five shades of red, burst into uncontrollable laughter, and (unfortunately) had to have him write something else. What did he write you wonder?

______ what she said.

Seriously. Coolest. Kid. Ever.

Two Discoveries and a funny story

As you know, I was less than thrilled about getting roped into going out for Halloween. I'd like to eat my words and honestly say that I had a fabulous time, AND I'm even planning out possible costumes for next year-it was that awesome. Also, as you know I was dressed in all white with those phrase cards attached all over (Answer to my costume: little white lies) and Girlfriend wore black shoes, black pants, black lace top thing, black button up shirt-but not buttoned, a black fedora, and one of my green and black ties. What was she you ask? Her Guitar Hero character that she created. Side note: I don't think it gets any gayer than that. Even better was that it started with her saying, "I want to wear a fedora and your green tie...I'll figure out the costume as I go." After she was dressed I looked at her and said, "Did you intentionally dress like your Guitar Hero chick, or is this a super gay coincidence?" Oh, here's a super fun story-Girlfriend has no idea, I mean NO idea, how to tie a tie and needed me to help her. She wouldn't even try because she was afraid she would somehow mess up my tie and that just can not happen. She's a smart lady :-) Oh, and she bought me the tie a while ago as a gift because I was looking for a green tie with a small black design-it's a Miss Feeney's Finery and has this picture on the inside...Girlfriend just got more awesome didn't she?

Anyway, that was totally off topic. The post is about two discoveries and I've yet to share them. Discovery 1 comes from the costumes: Girlfriend is f*cking hot in a tie. I mean, she's always hot don't get me wrong, but she was super hot in a tie. I'm used to seeing Girlfriend femmed out as she normally wears lace top things (Is it messed up that I don't know what they are actually called? If you know, help a chick out and leave it in the comment section.) under her shirts while rocking fitted jeans, a purse, etc. but to see her in her lace top things and a fedora and tie was a whole new level of hotness. Discovery 2: I love Halloween. I've never loved Halloween and have felt left out in the community as it is our Gay Christmas. I'm gay, I love Christmas, but I don't love Gay Christmas. That is until this past weekend-partying at a gay men's nightclub is the only, I mean ONLY way celebrate. In addition to a Halloween themed drag show, we played our own game of "wing counting contest" throughout the night. We also had a "short-shorts" contest. Sidenote: Where do all of our boys buy/find teeny tiny leather shorts? Do they all get some sort of e-mail list about these things? Of all the guys wearing short-shorts over half were in either red or black leather ones while the other half were split between denim cutoffs and underwear.

Last a funny story. So before we went out, Girlfriend and I grabbed dinner at an Indian restaurant near her home. It's a place we frequent often because the food is awesome, they have big portions and most importantly it's close by. We got there around regular dinner time and the place was empty. I mean e.m.p.t.y. and as the night went on every person who works there came to talk to us, including all the waiters, the hostess, both bartenders and the chef. We chatted about costumes, trick-or-treaters, going out later, the food, etc. but didn't really get specific as to our plans-just that we were meeting up with her coworkers later in the evening. (This is not the funny story by the way, this is background information) and as we left told them to have a great evening and hoped that business would pick up for them later. (Ok, here is the funny story) Hours later we are hanging out on the patio at the club getting some fresh air and chatting with an adorable little 20 year old boy wearing wings (check), body glitter and short shorts (check). Girlfriend feels a tap on her shoulder and hears a guy ask how dinner was. When he took off his mask we realized it was totally our waiter from that night, and to make it even better he was there with the guy who is normally our waiter (I told you we eat there a lot). He said, "I was hoping we were going to see you ladies here later tonight!" It was awesome.

Now I told you I was thinking of possible costume ideas for next year and while Girlfriend and I were getting dressed we were head to toe in all black and all white. Spy versus Spy people. Watch for it, wait for it.

Back and ready for Halloween

First, I would like to thank you all for your well wishes. I'm finally all better from the flu (Sidenote: Our school system isn't offering flu shots for staff member until Nov. 18...WTF is that about? Not like I would get the flu shot, but still I would like the option in a more appropriate time frame...you know like BEFORE I got the fucking flu! Sorry, back on track.) and getting ready for Halloween. Ugh. I know that relationships are all about compromise, and I will gladly compromise on many, many, many things without complaining but Halloween is just not one that I can handle quietly. I have my tradition, it isn't fancy, but it's mine. On Halloween I give out candy to children and watch "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" on a continuous loop and maybe, MAYBE go out later.

This was my plan. Did you notice the word was? See what ha-happened was Girlfriend has a new co-worker who is a transplant from Texas. (I'm sure you know where this is going) She doesn't know many people and wants to do something for Halloween. Everyone at their lab either has little kids or is (literally) out of the country at the moment...all except Girlfriend, new girl, and a total douche bag guy who no one likes. New girl really wants to do something and meet more people, Girlfriend has a big heart and can't say no...so now we are going out for Halloween. The only thing that is making this better is that we are going to the gay club since as soon as new girl became Facebook friends with Girlfriend (and realized Girlfriend is a homo) she has been talking about how she misses her gay best friend back in Texas. Thus, predominantly gay men's club/bar here we come! I found this out last night and had to come up with a costume. I am an avid fan of the "Non-costume costume" and this year since we are going to be going out-out I put a little bit more effort into my costume.

I'll give you the information, you put it together and tell me what you think I am in the comment section below. Ready? Here we go! Ok, I'm wearing a white shirt and white pants. I am going to pin white index cards all over my clothes and each index card has a different phrase written in black sharpie.

Here are the phrases:

Yes, it's clean

I'm not tired at all

Sorry, I already made plans

That dress doesn't make you look fat

Your baby is adorable

The check is in the mail

You look like you have lost weight

I love your hair

Yes, that matches

Dinner was great

I'd love to go out again

I love my job

You're a great cook

I loved the gift

This is just what I wanted

No, this doesn't taste like cardboard

Yes I was listening

Don't worry the stain will come out

I'm still awake

You're a great driver

No, I don't mind

Nothing's wrong

I'm fine

I can fix this

I love the opera

They're my favorite band

The dog did it

No, I didn't eat the cookies

I wasn't speeding

It doesn't hurt

I love your pet ferret

It's not that bad

The car is filled with gas

I'll be ready in five minutes

I didn't get the e-mail

My phone died

I texted you

It wasn't expensive

No, you didn't wake me up

Ok, now it's your turn to play along. Can you figure out what my costume is? (And in case you are wondering, yes, I am proud of myself!)

Quarrantined

So it's official, I've been quarantined to my house because I have the flu. It's quite ironic that Girlfriend works at the human vaccine institute and I have the flu. At least it's the regular old flu and not the super scary one. I wasn't going to post anything today but the conversation at the clinic today was too funny not to share. Here's some more info about me that you probably didn't want to know but matters to the story. So my period started Sunday morning and was crazy intense for about 3 hours and has almost stopped today which had me worried and it why I went to the clinic in the first place. When talking with the doctor I explained the situation and here is our conversation:

Me: So, is that okay? This has never happened before.

Doctor: Well let's do a pregnancy test just to be sure, but I think it's probably related to the flu.

Me: There's no need for that. I'm 100% certain I'm not pregnant.

Doctor: No sex? At all?

Me: Well not with men and if my girlfriend has gotten me pregnant I've got bigger problems than the flu.

Doctor: (Dropping his pen) Uh. Yeah, I guess that would be a bigger problem.

His facial reaction was priceless and he was just stumped as how to respond. Anyway, I just wanted to share and now I'm going back to bed. I NEED to be better by this weekend because it is Girlfriend's high school reunion. On a positive note, my co-workers are AMAZING! One of them just called me and told me not to worry about sub plans, they would take care of everything for my students this week. I'm going to need to buy them cookies or something next week...

Phrase of the year

My assistant principal (AP) at work often says random shit that no one really understands, and frankly doesn't really care to understand. To be honest he is a little bit of an oafish man who bumbles around looking like a lost overgrown kindergartner who can't find their classroom and is scared to ask for help and so resorts to walking around aimlessly. He has the best of intentions but is also a man who is just DYING to have someone listen to him talk, so if you ask him a question be prepared for a 20 minute speech where he answers it, states your question a different way, and re-answers it (sometimes with something different which contradicts his first response), needless to say he's um, interesting. One thing that he says often and has caught on with the staff is, "I'm calling shenanigans!" When he first said it, his intention was to state, "I don't believe you!" but our staff has taken his phrase and given it a life (and meaning) of its own. Which in a job/world surrounded by children translates to, "This is bullsh*t!" or "You are full of bullsh*t right now!"

Here is a perfect example of its usage: In my evaluation (already, smooth move right?) I say to my AP-And another thing, I'd like to talk about those markers they provide. They die after about week, leave black marks all over and stink. It's total shenanigans! Thankfully he laughed, agreed and gave me an even better report for being "passionate."

We use it often, we use it about each other and parents and best of all today in class I heard one of my little darlings say to the other, "I'm calling shenanigans on you!" I had to take some very deep breaths to stop myself from shooting coffee clear out my nose. The best part about this phrase (well second to hearing the children use it correctly) is being able to vent frustrations about stuff around the kids. You'd loose your job if you say, "This is bullsh*t!" with kids around, but if you say, "I'm calling shenanigans!" the children give you an supportive nod.

Tonight I had to turn the heat on at my house and I'm calling shenanigans. What are you calling shenanigans on in your world?

Join Club Inappropriate

WOW! I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted-sorry y'all! Here is a picture from Girlfriend's breakfast Friday morning. Let's just say that we spent a LOT of time giggling like eight year old boys...no one should be surprised :-)

I mean really, who approves this to put on packaging for children?!?!

Crazy Sheltered Lady

I was taking B for his usual walk today after work and while we were across the street I hear this woman calling his name frantically. I was trying to figure out who she was, and what was wrong because clearly she knew my dog. When I turned around I saw the teeny-tiniest long hair Chihuahua running after me and B. Seeing that she was never going to catch her little dog I turned B around and we headed toward her, trying to coax her little non-dog-dog back home. When we met up she was still yelling, "B come here!" and that's when I realized that both of our dogs have the same name. Not only do they have the same name, but they are also both white dogs with brown spots. This woman was just tickled by this and here is a part of our conversation that followed.

Me: He's about three years old. I'm not exactly sure since I got him from the shelter.

Lady: You got him at the shelter?!?!

Me: Yup. He was my birthday present to myself.

Lady: WOW! I didn't know they had cute dogs at the shelter!

Me: (silent pause) Uh, yep they sure do. There were lots of cute dogs there, cats too.

Seriously. WTF. How do you respond to that? She didn't know the shelter has cute dogs? What kind of world does she live in? At this moment I realized she and I would never be friends because she was just plain loopy. She must live a very sheltered life (pun intended) and this concerned me for the sake of people and animals everywhere. On the bright side, she gave me a fun post for the evening!

Smile because it's priceless

Ok, the week is still not awesome, but not as bad as yesterday/Sunday. I still have no TV which sucks ass but on the bright side my house has never been cleaner! B is still mad at the vacuum cleaner but that's his business. It is currently back in the closet which B is guarding while pacing, huffing and puffing at as if he WASN'T scared shitless twenty minutes ago crying in his bed. Now to a fun story from today. I was at my cone during car rider after school and this adorable little blond hair, green eyed kindergartner came to my cone waiting for his dad to pull up.

Me: Hello! How was your day today?

Kindergartner: It was okay. My friend Mikey wasn't at school today. He lives next door to me.

Me: He wasn't? Is he sick?

Kindergartner: Yeah. He has the flee.

Me: I'm sorry what? He has what? (Bending down to hear him better)

Kindergartner: The flee. He gots the flee.

Me: You mean the flu?

Kindergartner: Flu? Um, no....not the flu. He has the flee.

Me: Oh, ok. Well you tell Mikey that I hope he feels better soon!

I wish you could have seen this child's face when I said flu. He looked at me like I was a total idiot for not knowing that it is the flee not the flu (duh). Here's hoping the week is heading in this direction!

Hot Blubbering Mess

I am a hot blubbering mess y'all. This week is not starting out well and I just need to vent it out a little. On Sunday my roommate (and best friend) moved out and into her own place. I thought I was ready. I thought I could handle it. I thought I was a big girl. I thought wrong.

I knew I couldn't handle being here when it happened, so I spent the whole weekend at Girlfriend's place and came back later Sunday evening. I came home to a much emptier home that echoed when I walked, was WAY too quiet and I just lost it in a mess of tears. I know that I don't like to be alone, and now here I am sitting on the couch by myself blogging while my dog is happily sleeping on the floor. To make things worse, my mom called to see how I was and since I know my mom, I told her I was fine. If I had been honest and told her that I had already gone through half a box of tissues she would have called my former roommate (that's weird to type) who would have come to make sure I was okay. I can't tell her that I'm a mess because she wanted to move out. She wanted her own place. She wanted to be independent. I did not want any of these things. Then I went to watch TV only to find out that the TV I've had in storage for the last seven years no longer works. No tv, no roommate, no girlfriend, silent house, oh I lost it crying again. Just around this time Girlfriend texted me to make sure I was okay and I told her I was, then later I left her a message that I wasn't. She offered to come but by the time she would have gotten here I was hoping to be asleep to be able to be up and ready for work on time. As sweet as she was being on the phone, I could tell she was a little weirded out. She thinks our friendship/relationship is not normal and here I was sobbing about how I'm all alone and the house is echoing and it's scary. Her response: You're by yourself right now, but you're not alone. I realized that as much as I wanted to talk it out to her, I just couldn't. She already feels like she has to compete with my former roommate for a specific place in my heart and I wasn't making it better. I told her I was okay, that I loved her and that I was going to bed. I fell asleep in a soggy pillow and a puppy licking my tears.

Then today started awful. My car was making terrible rattling sounds and shaking on the way to work. I brought it to the shop after work and it's still there. It was $89 to do the computer diagnostic test which showed nothing. Then it was $200 to take the front of it off and figure out that the power steering pump is broken..that's another $400 in parts and labor once it comes in. The poor man who had to tell me that it was going to cost $200 to take the front of my car off just stood there as I burst into tears explaining that I'm a teacher, it's the end of the month and I have no money. They then sent this poor man back to tell me I was going to have to pay for a rental car because mine was not safe to drive. I finally got myself back together and stopped crying...that is until I got to the rental car place. At the dealership they told me it was going to be $30 a day for a car. At the rental car place it was almost $70. I burst into hysterical sobbing because I don't have enough money in my bank account to pay for the rental car for a week, let alone the rental car and fixing my car. The man standing on the other side of the counter just kept looking around like, "I swear this isn't my fault that she's crying!" They changed the price to $30 which is the body shop price for a rental.

Now I'm off to have "Friend time" which we have done every Monday for the last five years and act like I'm okay. That I'm not sporadically bursting into uncontrollable sobs, that I'm happy she's in her own place and that I don't miss having her around. I know it's been one day and I know it will get better. It's just very very very hard to see that right now when everything feels like it's happening at once and spiraling out of control.

Thank you for listening to my sob story. I promise to be back to my sarcastic and witty self soon.

I need advice ASAP!

Ok readers, my roommate is moving out this weekend and her parents are coming to help her move. I will not be here and they will be staying in my room. I have no problem with this, but now I'm stuck with an awkward decision: to de-gay or not de-gay the pictures in my room. I have some pictures sitting on the dressers/nightstand of Girlfriend and me on trips to various places. Part of me wants to leave them up because well, it's my room, my house, my Gay-ass life. The other part of me thinks I should put them in a drawer because she comes from a very (I mean VERY) conservative family and while they would NEVER EVER say anything, I think it might make them uncomfortable. I'm not one to usually shy away from the uncomfortable, but these are her parents who I love dearly and I want them to feel comfortable in my home. I need some advice here and I need it ASAP as they will be here tomorrow night. What do you think I should do?!?!

Breakfast Heaven!!!

It is a serious blogging week people, I'm not sure what is up but don't expect this frequency to last. I was looking for a recipe just now and stumbled upon a site that I'm shocked I didn't know existed. I'm all up on different websites for food-I cook a lot from scratch (like scratch scratch) and am always looking for a new gluten free vegetarian recipe to make Girlfriend try out. Tonight I stumbled upon this beauty Mr. Breakfast.com their motto is, "All Breakfast All The Time" which is essentially my food motto. I about crapped my pants when I found 130 recipes for waffles. Waffles people, 130 different ways to make waffles!!! Guess what I'm doing this weekend?!?!?!

Schooled by an 8 year old

Conversation I overheard at the car rider line today with a Co-worker and Serious Child:

Co-worker:Wow Serious Child that's fantastic you got an A on your progress report!

Serious Child: Thank you. Mom was happy but I don't really like school that much.

Co-worker: Well for a kid who doesn't like school you sure do do great work.

Me: (snickering)

Serious Child: (shrugs shoulders) I guess.

Co-worker: (giggling) Did you hear what I said, you do do great work.

My co-worker and I then high-fived and giggled to each other.

Co-worker: Do do? You heard me right?

Me: Totally. That's why we are friends. Serious Child you don't find this funny at all do you?

Serious Child: No. You two are weird.

He then promptly walked away leaving us still giggling at do do and the realization that an eight year old is more mature than us. Whatever, he's missing out on the fun.

Loser Alert

I have no shame (you probably know this already) and I am a huge loser. For WEEKS I have been telling (ok, annoying) Girlfriend about Snow Leopard. No, not the animal my PC readers. Snow Leopard is the new Mac operating system and it is just as fabulous as I was expecting. I am currently working with a MacBook Pro and it was pretty fast, but let's be real-it could be faster. On our way to a local college football game I dragged Girlfriend to the Apple store on Saturday and got the CD-only to remember that my computer was at my house and that I would have to wait another day to load it. Here's a little background-I'm a Mac, she's a PC...need I say more?

Dragging her to the Apple store is like her dragging me to GameStop. I stand around awkwardly, hoping no one asks me any questions, and I try and help by picking up things sayings, "What about this?" while she smiles and reassures me that we can go soon. While she's not a Mac person, she is a gadget person so it wasn't as bad as me at GameStop-but she was definitely out of her element. When I finally got to my place it took about an hour to install, a very LONG hour. Let me tell you readers, it was well worth the hour because the Snow Leopard Rocks!!! If you are a Mac person, go to the store, drop the $29 + tax because it's totally awesome. My computer starts up faster, everything loads faster and it shuts down as soon as I hit the button. I realize how ridiculous I sound but I don't care because it's the little things in life that make me happy.

Anyone else out there a Mac person and loving Snow Leopard? Anyone else in a Mac/PC relationship? I do everything I can to not use the computer at her house because I can't ever find what I'm looking for and she does the same. This is a typical conversation that happens at least once a week because of the Mac/PC thing:

Context-I'm in the kitchen, she's on the couch

Girlfriend: (while using my computer) SIGH

Me: (giggling) top left babe

Girlfriend: Yeah, I just remembered. Keep laughing and I'll drop this when I stand up

Me: Yeah yeah you say that every time

Girlfriend: And? You think I won't?

Me: (smiling) Nope.

Girlfriend: And why not?

Me: Because I'll cry like a baby and then you will be stuck dealing with me being a blubbering mess, which will then make you cry, and then we are THOSE people who cry all the time and that's just not us.

Girlfriend: You cry all the time anyway.

Me: Nu-uh! I'm tough!

Girlfriend: (choking back laughing) Yes, yes you are dear. You are very tough. No, really...I mean it. Do you need me to open that for you?

Me: (sheepishly) Yes please.

In conclusion: Snow Leopard Rocks. I'm tough. Really.

What's in your trunk?

On Sunday Girlfriend and I went to buy dog treats/food for both of our pooches who were needing these respective things. I got B a bag of his favorite "Thanksgiving in a bag" treats (turkey, cranberry and oats-what's not to love?) and she got Q a big bag of fancy-schmancy food since it's cheaper at the locally owned independent store in my town than the larger corporate chain by her. I'm not judging her food choice for Q...B eats the same expensive brand-and he ate it first so there. Anyway, I tossed it in the back seat (on top of the dog seat protector of course) because the trunk was full of random stuff. As we went around a corner everything shifted and we heard th-thump-THUMP! Here is the conversation that followed:

Girlfriend: What was that?!?!

Me: What was what?

Girlfriend: That noise just now from the trunk. What do you have back there?

Me: Just the basics-B's travel crate and an emergency car repair/tool kit. Oh, and plywood. That's probably what the last thump was.

Girlfriend: (laughing) Wow.

Me: What?

Girlfriend: (still chuckling) I thought I was gay.

Me: Um, you totally are. AND we have already established that your car is WAY gayer than mine.

Girlfriend: (Ignoring me) Wait, what is the plywood for?

Me: It's the leftover scraps from the plywood and cinderblock bookshelf I made for work.

(silence)

Me: That didn't help my case at all just now, did it?

Girlfriend: Nope, just made you gayer. I actually think rainbows might be coming out of the tailpipe as we speak.

In conclusion: When trying to argue that you are not a living breathing lesbian stereotype, don't explain why you have plywood in your trunk...especially if it's from a very gay project.

Back to School!

Today was the first day of school. I'm tired so this is going to be short and to the point. School starting means you all get to read fun/interesting/strange stories about the children that are mine for the next 179 days...Lord help us all.

Things I should know after four years of teaching but forget every year:

1) DON'T wear heels for the first time in 3 months and expect your feet to be fine while walking on concrete all day.

2) Make 2 extra copies of everything. You will get new students in the middle of the day and have nothing for them.

3) If you make 2 extra copies, you will get 3 students. However if you make 4 copies you will get no new students.

4) Add an extra 10 minutes of time because you will be late going anywhere.

5) If you actually remember to add an extra 10 minutes you will arrive too early and be stuck outside of the building in 90 degree heat.

6) Plan past the first day.

7) If you plan past the first day you will have to re-do your plans because you didn't get through everything.

Changes

Well it has finally happened. My roommate is moving out towards the end of September and the house in is shambles as she is in the process of packing what is going with her, what is going to Goodwill and what is going in the trash. She and I had been talking about this for a while, and she was considering buying a house but has decided to move to a one bedroom apartment in a complex about 10 minutes away. No, we didn't have a fight or anything but after seven years (don't judge us) it just seems like time. Even though I knew it was coming it's still sad.

Ok, I'm going to level with you-I'm super super sad...about the washer and dryer. They belong to her and will be leaving along with the microwave, all the glasses in the house, and random other things. It's all the the little things that we have each bought over the last seven years that have created an admittedly awkward dynamic (Girlfriend thinks it's weird but whatever) that has worked for us but now we are dividing things as if we are going through some strange and genuinely amicable divorce. Honestly the hardest part really is the washer and dryer...do you know how expensive those things are?!?!

Spoiled but not rotten

I think we have established that Girlfriend is a lucky woman. Yes, I am also a lucky woman because she puts up with the inadvertent jackass things I occasionally say, but that is neither here nor there. Back to my point-not to sound like a conceited asshole, but I'm a good catch. Seriously-I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I iron said laundry, I make breakfast in bed, I fix things when they break, I pack lunch for work complete with a funny/mushy/silly note depending on my mood, I buy flowers just because, I send you with your favorite chocolates when you have a long trip and I will even be genuinely nice to your homophobic relatives.

In short, I (gladly and willingly) spoil Girlfriend and today is no different. Those of you who follow me on Twitter (or just read the updates in the right hand column here) know that Girlfriend surprised me with an impromptu visit last night and we have a Gaytastic (yes I just made that up because no other word fits) weekend ahead with the NC Gay and Lesbian Film Festival and seeing Amy Ray in concert. It's also our anniversary and that means presents! I'm *slightly* a perfectionist when it comes to wrapping gifts and Girlfriend's present has a LOT of tape on the back and sides. Side note: she laughs whenever I wrap anything because as she says, "I act like it's going to be put through a wind tunnel" and if it is traveling in a car it will have at least two layers of tissue paper, each individually taped before getting to the wrapping paper. Anyway, here is her gift:

What is in the impeccably wrapped box you ask? Well open it up and look inside...

Ok, so the fact that it lays in the box in the shape of a heart is totally cheesy and unplanned. Despite the cheesiness I think she will really like it. It's simplistic, silver and is suitable for wearing with jeans (which is her work attire) or dress pants. I'm off to get eggplant because dinner tonight is eggplant parmesan...one of her favorite dishes :-)

I need this made

You all have seen those super obnoxious "Baby On Board" tags in cars that have less than stellar driving skills. I need one that is slightly different, but would hopefully help explain my driving-specifically turning-skills. My beloved B has some gnarly carsickness...it's really bad people. I've tried all the tricks, not feeding him, taking short trips to help him get use to it, ginger crackers, even certain air fresheners in the car that are supposed to help. Nothing has worked so now I just drug the hell out of him with Dramamine (per vet instructions) but if I take turns too sharp/fast he STILL upchucks everywhere. It is NOT pleasant for anyone involved so I try very hard when he is in the car to take turns slowly, make them as wide as possible, etc. anything to help him keep it down. SO, I decided that I need this in my back window, because maybe then the a**hole behind me would be a little more understanding. I'm not trying to be a world class jerk taking a million hours to do a turn, I just don't want to clean up dog vomit...the graphic makes it perfect don't you think?

Concert Recap

I haven't had internet access since last Thursday (complicated story that's really not interesting at all) but now that I'm back I would like to start by recapping the Coldplay concert I went to with Girlfriend and our two other friends we will call Matchmaker (the chick who set us up in the first place) and Socially Awkward (Matchmaker's on/off/on again girlfriend...the name says it all).

S) If you have never been to a Coldplay concert-GO. It was fantabulous...so awesome I had I to make up a word. The entire time the energy was amazing. They even came up to the lawn where we were and performed a few songs. It was seriously one of the best concerts I have been to in quite a while, and that is saying something considering how many concerts Girlfriend and I have been to this summer.

H) If you are sitting on the lawn, you should be able to sit in a "Lawn Chair" and not have them confiscated at the gate for being too tall (Sidenote: this was NOT mentioned anywhere on the website and there were a LOT of angry people taking it out on the poor workers stuck at the guest services tent. If this happens to you, please don't yell at them it's not their fault and they didn't change the rules.) Oh, did I mention that there was a downpour the night before and the ground was soaked? Yeah. That probably didn't help the situation.

O) If somehow you do sneak your "too-tall-for-the-lawn-lawn-chair" in, don't sit in it. We will all talk about you, point, and make up silly songs including, but not limited to-Big Man in a Little Chair; Security Breach; and Big Man in a Little Chair That's Too Tall a.k.a. the remix...we got there early and had some time on our hands. Don't judge us.

W) If you are on the very crowded lawn, do not act like you are in the front row and flail about all willy nilly. If you flail about, do NOT under any circumstances smack into my people. Girlfriend got smacked twice but she didn't tell me the second time because I would have lost it. I was already steaming mad after the first time and she refused to let me do anything about it. Later in the night she told me she wanted to switch spots so she could talk to Matchmaker for a minute. Crazy Flailing Girl later slammed into me with all of her weight and nearly knocked me down. Well readers, my roots came out...my Jersey roots...ending in me cursing a lot, getting up in her face, demanding she move two steps to the left and warning her not to touch me again. I was, shall we say pissed and let her (and everyone in our area) know. Apparently I was quite loud as this became the mantra of Matchmaker and Socially Awkward in the car ride home as they repeated, "Jersey! Two steps! Two steps to the f*cking left!" at the top of their lungs and then dying in laughter. Whatever. She moved and I won. :-)

Concert Conclusion:

Coldplay rules. Lawn chair rules suck. Give me my personal space or I will go ape-shit on your ass.

Oh Snap!

I think we might have covered this before, but just in case: I'm helping Girlfriend bring the phrase "Oh Snap" back. It's a shame it ever left, so while it started with just her, I and several of our friends, have joined in for the comeback. Feel free to reintroduce it to your weekly (daily might be a bit excessive) vernacular. It takes a village to make a phrase people, it takes a village...ANYHOO some shameless self-promotion of my first post over at Grace the Spot. Check it out if you are so inclined and feel free to comment-agree, disagree, I was trying to think of a third choice but I'm not sure there is one so you are being forced to make a choice...I guess not commenting would be the third choice but that's lame.

Shopping and Semantics

I hate shopping for clothes. I know, you are shocked. I hate everything about it, except having something new in my closet. If there was a way for things to just appear in my closet for me to wear without having to go to the store, try things on, etc. I would be all about it. I hate shopping for several reasons 1) it takes too long 2) I can never find what I want 3) they never carry things in my size. I know #3 sounds like ridiculous complaining, but it really is a problem when you wear size extra small and size 0-regular length and sometimes those are too big and need to be tailored.

Despite all of this, I went shopping yesterday in search of a new pair of black shoes for work, a new pair of gray, black and dark brown pants for work, and possibly a few new shirts for work. FOUR HOURS LATER I came home with no shoes, 1 pair of gray dress pants, 1 pair of casual tan pants, and 4 t-shirts....I was not happy. I talked with girlfriend and here is the conversation that occurred:

Me: I just can't find the shirts I want.

Girlfriend: What are you looking for?

Me: Nothing crazy just plain, button down shirts. They don't have to be solid colors, just button down shirts.

Girlfriend: Everyone carries button down shirts!

Me: Nu-uh. Not in size extra small! AND if they do carry them, they are missing a button-what the hell is that about? They have all the buttons in the larger sizes, but what they have in extra small are always missing a button.

Girlfriend: Missing a button? What are you talking about?

Me: You know, where there is a collar button, then it's MISSING a button, then the rest of the buttons are were they are supposed to be. I don't like that. I want my shirts to come with all of the buttons where they should be.

Girlfriend: (laughing)

Me: What?

Girlfriend: They aren't missing a button. They are women's style and cut dress shirts.

Me: Oh. Well I don't like that.

Girlfriend: (still laughing) Good luck babe.

In conclusion:

Doing what we do best!

Today I did what we lesbians do best...no not that-get your dirty minds out of the gutter...I took care of business and built shelves for my classroom. I needed them to be low to the ground, "indestructable" and most importantly cheap. Very cheap. I think it worked out pretty well, now I just need to decide if I need another one on top for more books. I also think that I might need to seal the cinderblocks so they don't make a mess all year and possibly paint them to add more color to the room. Most teachers theme their classrooms but not me. That's too much freaking work and I get bored easily, but today I was told by a co-worker that my indirect "theme" is colorful...enough said.

The best part of today was the trip to Lowes to buy the plywood and cinderblocks. I have a little car and needed the 10 foot piece of wood cut so it would fit. This young man whose eyes screamed, "I-can't-believe-they-are-going-to-let-me-use-the-big-saw" had some shall we say issues with my directions. Here is the conversation that followed:

Excited young man: How can I help you ma'am?

Me: I need this cut down into four foot pieces.

Excited young man: Ok, great!

He got out his little tape measure and measured, and measured....and measured. I got concerned after he started scratching his head and avoiding eye contact. I could tell he had a question and was trying to figure out the answer on his own. Finally, after several awkward minutes he gave in.

Excited young man: Um, so you want four foot pieces?

Me: Yes.

Excited young man: ......ok, um, no problem.

Me: (putting him out of his misery) I need two four foot pieces. The extra two feet at the end are going to be scraps.

Seriously. He was trying to figure out how to take a 10 foot board and cut it into equal four foot pieces. I'm concerned about the future, because THEY LET HIM WORK THE SAW. Did I mention he was unsupervised. Seriously. I felt like I should be apologizing for the educational system letting this poor kid down. He cut the pieces and handed them to me all excited that he did a job well done. I left trying not to shake my head because he had just given me a great post. As my mom says, you just can't make this shit up people, you just can't.

Like singing in the shower or car

I was trying to figure out how to eloquently put into words news that I'm excited to share, but all I could come up with were story examples-so I'm going to trust my gut and hope this makes sense. I sing in the shower. I sing in my car. I mean I REALLY sing in my car...as long as it's just me and sometimes B. After years of singing in competition groups when I was in school I'm able to hold my own, but don't ever think I'm going to take a mic and sing a solo for a crowd. I sing for me, for my dog (don't judge me), my friend's little children, but mostly for me because I like to. I belt it out when I am alone, but when others are around I tone it down for them because I love them and their ears.

Now imagine sitting in your car alone, belting it out when (insert whatever singer you love) drives up next to you at a stoplight. You don't notice because you are wrapped up in belting out the chorus, and then all of a sudden they comment, "Hey I like your singing. Want to come sing at my concert?" Don't even lie, you'd crap your pants right then and there. That's what I was feeling like the other day. Okay, in case you are totally lost as to where I am going with this here is my thought train pulling into the station for a connection.

We have already established that I write my little blog for me, and those of you who are interested are welcome to come along on the ride, but ultimately it's my outlet because therapy is too expensive and I am poor. Like all bloggers I have those sites that I look at as way out of my league and I could only hope to be like someday in the future. Well readers, I about crapped my pants when Grace the Spot contacted me because they like what I do over here. Seriously. My little blog feels like singing in the shower or car-and Grace the Spot is like a rock star that overheard me belting it out slightly off tune. As I have more details you know I'll be sharing it with you, because honestly there is no where/one else I can share it with-and would fully appreciate it. I'm left with a "holy crap" expression on my face and a short typed list of things I can write about over there.

Again in conclusion: Holy Crap.

Pride Quotes and Stories

Quotes from Girlfriend for your reading pleasure. Welcome to my world people, it's awesome..

In Pride Color Order...because that seems appropriate:

Red-When I told her what time we had to be there, "11 AM, that's too early for the gays"

Orange-While riding in the car in total silcence "This one time, on Golden Girls..."

Yellow-When getting back into the car after taking a potty break "It's too hot for a baby."

Green-While sitting on a bench at pride people watching "Wow. Someone lucked out in that relationship."

Blue-After walking around in 90+ degree heat "Would it be inappropriate to use a tampon to dry off my face. They're super plus."

Purple-As we were walking past a barricade that ended the pride area "NO! We're going out of the safe zone. Turn around!"

Do you ever have a moment when you hear yourself talking, and you know you need to shut up, and while your brain is telling you SHUT UP, your mouth decides otherwise? SHOCKER that that happened to me. My friend S had looked online and saw that it started at 11, which to us meant that the parade was at 11. Well we get there and there is no parade (we will come back to this in a moment) and S is running almost 2 hours late. When Girlfriend asked where she was since it was all her idea, I responded with, "S runs on her own time. She makes you look like you get to places early." I KNOW. I KNOW. As I was talking I could hear myself in my head saying, SHUT UP but I also thought it was funny. It didn't deliver funny. It delivered in a jackassery way that required some backpedaling to get myself out of trouble. The best part was that there were two police officers nearby and when we walked by one of them chuckled and said to me, "Nice save." That was awsome :-)

Now back to the no parade thing. WTF. What the hell is pride without a parade? I mean, we do a parade really well. As girlfriend pointed out, we even have a marching band just for this kind of occasion. Everything about a parade is gay-from the glitter, to the streamers, to the choreographed dancing in the streets...I was highly disappointed. We will be attending the Durham Pride this September where there IS a parade, and it's awesome.

Have a great rest of your weekend, I've gotta get going because Girlfriend doesn't know I blog and here she comes!

Ugh.

*Disclaimer-this post is very depressing. If you want to skip to the bottom where I make up for it with two happy/fun stories I will not be offended.*

It's been a couple of emotional weeks over here which caused me to run away from blogging for a little while in order to take care of some things. 1) Girlfriend's childhood dog (we shall call her Feisty Ankle Biter) has had a large mass in her abdomen for about 7 months. They had drained it several times, but Feisty Ankle Biter was turning 15 years old, and clearly suffering. Girlfriend's mom made the decision to put her down on Wednesday. I went with them and seriously, it was one of the saddest things I've seen. Everyone was waiting on the vet to get there (who normally doesn't work on that day) and Feisty Ankle Biter was not doing well. It should come as no shock to you that I am a rock. A rock people. A. rock. I was not a rock. The vet got there about 5 minutes after Feisty Ankle Biter passed, and all four of us sat there and cried. Everyone is doing better, but it was a rough time. 2) My grandpa who I love (and am SHOCKINGLY just like) had to have a double hip replacement. The doctors were waiting on doing the surgery because he had an infection that wouldn't clear up, leading them to believe that it might be bone cancer. He is currently undergoing treatment for stomach cancer and about 10 years ago battled colon cancer...twice. Thankfully the tests came back that it wasn't bone cancer, but in the process of replacing both his hips they broke his leg. Yes, you read correctly. They broke the man's leg. Which SOMEHOW they didn't notice until after they were looking at x-rays of his completed surgery, thus sending him back to the OR to fix their f*ck up. When I was taking with him on the phone he said, "Those G*d damned doctors broke my G*d damn leg and are making ME pay for it. What kind of bullsh*t is this!?!?" I love my grandpa, he makes me laugh. 3) Grandpa was doing better and had moved to a rehabilitation center when his blood pressure went through the roof and wouldn't come down. The doctors finally got it down a little but everyone is shocked that he didn't stroke out. I'm not. The man is made of chemicals and is essentially radioactive after so many treatments after all these years, compounded by the fact that he drove an 18 wheeler delivering hazardous chemicals to different companies for all of his working days. He's going to outlive us all and bitch the entire time. I love it :-) SOOO, hopefully this helps explain where I've been and why I haven't posted in a little while.

Ugh, it's too depressing to end a post this way...now for two happy/fun things!

1) Girlfriend and I were driving and talking about who knows what when the conversation made its way to her talking about how she's "knocking at thirty's door"...here is a paraphrase of what followed:

Me: You have two years.

Girlfriend: 1 year, 8 months.

Me: Whatever. Are you really freaked out about turning thirty or are you just messing around? (if she was seriously freaked I wasn't going to pick at it)

Girlfriend: Nah, it doesn't bother me but you should know something.

Me: Ok.

Girlfriend: My biological clock is ticking. Seriously.

Me: How fast is it ticking? Did this just start?

Girlfriend: No, it's been ticking but it's gotten loud and now I can hear it.

Me: [insert awkward silence here] Um, baby....I love you but there is nothing that I can do. You're the scientist. I'm just saying...

She makes me laugh. I'm not sure what she wants me to do about her biological clock ticking. I think she just likes making awkward and mildly uncomfortable situations when I have nowhere to go (a.k.a. in a car) and hide.

2) We are heading to Charlotte Pride tomorrow with some of our friends which should lend itself to some fun stories and maybe (gasp!) pictures. Down side: it's supposed to be in the 90s. I'm from Jersey...I don't do 90s...I do air conditioning. If you are at Charlotte Pride tomorrow and see a puddle of cargo shorts sluggishly moving, it's me-come by and say hi!

Discovery on the interstate

After driving 10+ hours in constant traffic I feel an expert in deciding what kind of driver you are based on your vehicle. Here is a chart for your viewing pleasure. Thoughts? Comments? Opinions? You know where to leave them!

All about the adverb people, all about the adverb

In Atlanta this weekend Girlfriend and I realized something about speech. Here are two examples (in story form) that prove my point.

1) We went up to Midtown on Friday night to catch a drag show at one of the local bars. We looked places up ahead of time and found one that not only was having a drag queen show but also was hosting a softball league night a.k.a. lesbians, right? Um, what they failed to mention on their website was that it was men's softball. WTF. We got there and the place was packed, I mean really packed with softball playing gay men. We found a table near one of the bars and hung out with some fabulous gay men who were just as hospitable as the gay south we expected to find-including one bending down and giving me a kiss on the hand just because quote: my fabulous shoes and beautiful smile. Since the place was so crowded there were several times that men bumped into Girlfriend or me. Each and EVERY time they said, "I am SO sorry!" sometimes adding in, "Are you okay? Did I spill your drink? Did I spill my drink on you?" or my favorite to Girlfriend, "Love, LOVE your hair!"

2) On Sunday we headed back up to Midtown to go have brunch at Flying Biscuit. After that we walked across the street to Outwrite bookstore just to see what they had compared to White Rabbit by us. I opened the door for Girlfriend [cuz that's how I do] and two men were leaving at the same time. After she walked in I held the door open for them and ushered them out [again, because that's how I do]. As they left each of them said, "Thank you SO much."

Now to get to my point: Gay men love the adverb "so" and use it freely. Straight men bump into you and say "excuse me" or "I'm sorry" while gay men say "I'm SO sorry." I told this to Girlfriend and after observing a little while she agreed with me-she also added that while an equal number of people might have bumped into us at the bar as at other places we went...it didn't bother her at the bar. After futher discussion we decided that adding the "so" somehow makes whatever has happened okay and removes any negative feelings...we also decided that it only applies to gay men-not sure why, but it does. Here is a graphic for your viewing pleasure that I think proves my point:

I'm curious about your thoughts/opinions on this topic. Let me know and I'll be back in a few days to share stories about my 9 hour car ride with a carsick dog, visiting my family, etc. Fun times all around people, fun times all around.

P.S. I leave you with this-Girlfriend and I also went to the World of Coke. She decided that most of the vintage adds with couples in them look an awful lot like the Viagra and Cialis adds today. Coincidence? We think not. It also took Girlfriend 2.5 seconds in the gift shop to shout "FOUND IT!" when she came across this hat. Seriously, she has a gift for finding inappropriate things in wholesome environments...and I love it :-)