I knew I couldn't handle being here when it happened, so I spent the whole weekend at Girlfriend's place and came back later Sunday evening. I came home to a much emptier home that echoed when I walked, was WAY too quiet and I just lost it in a mess of tears. I know that I don't like to be alone, and now here I am sitting on the couch by myself blogging while my dog is happily sleeping on the floor. To make things worse, my mom called to see how I was and since I know my mom, I told her I was fine. If I had been honest and told her that I had already gone through half a box of tissues she would have called my former roommate (that's weird to type) who would have come to make sure I was okay. I can't tell her that I'm a mess because she wanted to move out. She wanted her own place. She wanted to be independent. I did not want any of these things. Then I went to watch TV only to find out that the TV I've had in storage for the last seven years no longer works. No tv, no roommate, no girlfriend, silent house, oh I lost it crying again. Just around this time Girlfriend texted me to make sure I was okay and I told her I was, then later I left her a message that I wasn't. She offered to come but by the time she would have gotten here I was hoping to be asleep to be able to be up and ready for work on time. As sweet as she was being on the phone, I could tell she was a little weirded out. She thinks our friendship/relationship is not normal and here I was sobbing about how I'm all alone and the house is echoing and it's scary. Her response: You're by yourself right now, but you're not alone. I realized that as much as I wanted to talk it out to her, I just couldn't. She already feels like she has to compete with my former roommate for a specific place in my heart and I wasn't making it better. I told her I was okay, that I loved her and that I was going to bed. I fell asleep in a soggy pillow and a puppy licking my tears.
Then today started awful. My car was making terrible rattling sounds and shaking on the way to work. I brought it to the shop after work and it's still there. It was $89 to do the computer diagnostic test which showed nothing. Then it was $200 to take the front of it off and figure out that the power steering pump is broken..that's another $400 in parts and labor once it comes in. The poor man who had to tell me that it was going to cost $200 to take the front of my car off just stood there as I burst into tears explaining that I'm a teacher, it's the end of the month and I have no money. They then sent this poor man back to tell me I was going to have to pay for a rental car because mine was not safe to drive. I finally got myself back together and stopped crying...that is until I got to the rental car place. At the dealership they told me it was going to be $30 a day for a car. At the rental car place it was almost $70. I burst into hysterical sobbing because I don't have enough money in my bank account to pay for the rental car for a week, let alone the rental car and fixing my car. The man standing on the other side of the counter just kept looking around like, "I swear this isn't my fault that she's crying!" They changed the price to $30 which is the body shop price for a rental.
Now I'm off to have "Friend time" which we have done every Monday for the last five years and act like I'm okay. That I'm not sporadically bursting into uncontrollable sobs, that I'm happy she's in her own place and that I don't miss having her around. I know it's been one day and I know it will get better. It's just very very very hard to see that right now when everything feels like it's happening at once and spiraling out of control.
Thank you for listening to my sob story. I promise to be back to my sarcastic and witty self soon.