V days recap

Confession: Girlfriend was my first valentine. Ever.

When I told her this she was confused, then I explained that somehow I've always been single in the month of February and never had a valentine. I then made the stupid mistake of saying, "Well, roommate was my valentine in college, but that didn't count." After a little but of back pedaling I was out of the doghouse. We decided a while ago because of financial reasons to keep the V day stuff to a minimum. Well, a minimum price but lots of stuff, because as you know-I don't do "simple" gifts see reminders one and two.

Wednesday

On Wednesday the FedEx man rang the doorbell and a mysterious package was left on the steps. NATURALLY I ripped that sh*t open when I saw it had my name on it. Exactly 5 minutes later I got a text.

Girlfriend: Don't open that.

Me: Five minutes too late.

What did she send me you wonder? Personalized m&m's in two shades of green. Dark green ones that say, "Who needs..." and light green ones that say, "...pink and red?" I love it but am left with a predicament: I want to keep them, but I don't want them to go bad so I feel I should eat them. Decisions, decisions.

Thursday

I went to work per usual and while I was teaching the students about the history and traditions of Valentine's Day the topic of my gift came up. My class thinks she's awesome and that "Miss _____ is very lucky to have a Valentine who really knows her." I couldn't have said it better myself. We ended the night by going to the Brandi Carlile concert which was A-Mazing to put it mildly. If you don't know who she is, you should. I will leave it at that.

Friday

We both had taken off of work knowing the concert would run late and took full advantage of sleeping in. Girlfriend made me breakfast (normally I'm the one getting up and doing this, so this was a nice surprise) and after "brunch" we rearranged the furniture per my drawing and it looks awesome! Finally we got dressed (when we had to) and went to dinner at a new Thai restaurant. When we got back home I made her a white chocolate cake with raspberry sauce for her gift. She loved it!

Saturday

On Saturday we did nothing all day. It was great. In the evening we had some of our friends come over who we hadn't seen in far too long and I made dinner for everyone, complete with dessert. It was great to catch up with friends and just relax at home.

Sunday

I made Girlfriend breakfast in bed and surprised her with a personalized crossword puzzle all about us. She did pretty well on it and only needed three clues :-) She gave me a card which I was not expecting and promptly tore into. It was a Valentine's Day card with undies on the front. Inside she wrote, "Happy Valentine's Day, but more importantly happy eleven months. I didn't think my future would amount to anything. Then you came along...now I know I was wrong." Cue the mother f*cking waterworks. I am not, I repeat NOT a crier but they just popped out before I could stop them. We did nothing all day, no I take that back-we TRIED to do nothing but take a nap but two dogs would just not let that happen. When they are napping no one bothers them but if we want a nap, noooooo it must be play with the squeaky toys and jump on moms time.

All in all it was a pretty great weekend with the people I love. Here's hoping your weekend was just a great and *wishfully* snow free!

Confirming the obvious (Updated)

If this isn't the best Christmas gift on a budget, I don't know what is...vacation memories, her animals and her favorite college sports team all wrapped up in one useful gift that she actually needs. Yup, I just gave myself a pat on the back for this one :-)

Update: Girlfriend loved her gift and got all teary-eyed. Success!

Thine name is Awesome

Girlfriend put us on a budget of twenty dollars for Christmas. This would have been awesome except that I already had a working list of ideas of things I could get her, none of which were under the $20 limit. I am not a generic gift giver (see Girlfriend's birthday last year) and it was KILLING me to give her some random, non-special, run of the mill $20 gift. I went as far as calling my mom for help and her non-helpful statement was, "Sorry kid, sounds like you're screwed." Needless to say my attitude was in the crapper and I was beginning to seriously stress about this. That is until today when I was getting Christmas cards and random stuff at Target. I saw this and the lightbulb inside my little head sparked!

The wheels started turning, the ideas started flowing and my excitement because uncontainable. Girlfriend is totally getting a new travel mug (which she needs) BUT it is going to have several custom hand-made inserts of the animals (individually and collectively), our trip to Hawaii and all things saxophone. Who's awesome? That would be me. I was so excited at Target that I high-fived myself (don't judge) and called my mom (who agreed that yes, I am awesome) because I was too proud to keep this to myself. Oh, and I got Girlfriend's mom a gift certificate for a massage. Yes you are correct, I did just get more awesome.

Hawaii 101

Girlfriend and I just got back from a week in Hawaii (hard life I know) and while we were there I kept a running list of things I felt you should know because as you know, I love lists. Here are my observations for you, listed as we noticed them throughout the week:

1. Sand.

I've been to the beach on several states on the Atlantic coast and at every beach the sand has been small fine grains that attach to your skin and stay for eons. Not so much in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Girlfriend put it best when she looked at me while laying on the beach and said, "I feel like we are laying in really clean kitty litter." At first I thought she was kidding but she was right (as usual).

2. Pigeons.

Pigeons are everywhere. In the middle of the Pacific Ocean there is an abundance of pigeons. they are freakishly allowed everywhere as well. I've always considered pigeons to be flying rats and was less than thrilled that they were just walking around, hanging out in restaurants...and no one else seemed to care. How is that not a health issue? I mean there they were stalking my food, flapping around, and yet no one was bothered by this. This is Roger by the way, he sat with us while we ate ice cream.

3. Rainbows.

Rainbows are the staple of our community identity. Not so much in Hawaii. As Girlfriend said in exasperation, "Freakin' rainbow misdirection!" after we chatted with two hot surfer girls we thought were family. Nope. Just Hawaiian. Even the buses mess with your head. You're not getting on The Gay Bus, just The Bus.

4. Cockroaches.

While hiking Diamond Head Crater we saw several cockroaches. How did they get to the top of a volcanic crater in the middle of the ocean? They truly are everywhere and will outlive everything else.

5. Cacti.

I've not considered Hawaii to be a desert, and in my mind cacti only grow in deserts. Yet, there they were chillin on the side of rocks all over. Please enlighten me about this because all I've ever learned in school was that cacti grow in deserts. I'm confused...

6. Ya.

"Ya" is the Hawaiian equivalent to the Canadian "Eh?" Girlfriend and I started using towards each other, as it is an awesome way to end a sentence, ya.

7. Pretty.

No matter how many times you pass places you will repeatedly said, "Wow, it's so pretty!" The whole freaking place looks like one giant postcard making me reach out and touch plants to make sure they were really real and not fake.

Two Discoveries and a funny story

As you know, I was less than thrilled about getting roped into going out for Halloween. I'd like to eat my words and honestly say that I had a fabulous time, AND I'm even planning out possible costumes for next year-it was that awesome. Also, as you know I was dressed in all white with those phrase cards attached all over (Answer to my costume: little white lies) and Girlfriend wore black shoes, black pants, black lace top thing, black button up shirt-but not buttoned, a black fedora, and one of my green and black ties. What was she you ask? Her Guitar Hero character that she created. Side note: I don't think it gets any gayer than that. Even better was that it started with her saying, "I want to wear a fedora and your green tie...I'll figure out the costume as I go." After she was dressed I looked at her and said, "Did you intentionally dress like your Guitar Hero chick, or is this a super gay coincidence?" Oh, here's a super fun story-Girlfriend has no idea, I mean NO idea, how to tie a tie and needed me to help her. She wouldn't even try because she was afraid she would somehow mess up my tie and that just can not happen. She's a smart lady :-) Oh, and she bought me the tie a while ago as a gift because I was looking for a green tie with a small black design-it's a Miss Feeney's Finery and has this picture on the inside...Girlfriend just got more awesome didn't she?

Anyway, that was totally off topic. The post is about two discoveries and I've yet to share them. Discovery 1 comes from the costumes: Girlfriend is f*cking hot in a tie. I mean, she's always hot don't get me wrong, but she was super hot in a tie. I'm used to seeing Girlfriend femmed out as she normally wears lace top things (Is it messed up that I don't know what they are actually called? If you know, help a chick out and leave it in the comment section.) under her shirts while rocking fitted jeans, a purse, etc. but to see her in her lace top things and a fedora and tie was a whole new level of hotness. Discovery 2: I love Halloween. I've never loved Halloween and have felt left out in the community as it is our Gay Christmas. I'm gay, I love Christmas, but I don't love Gay Christmas. That is until this past weekend-partying at a gay men's nightclub is the only, I mean ONLY way celebrate. In addition to a Halloween themed drag show, we played our own game of "wing counting contest" throughout the night. We also had a "short-shorts" contest. Sidenote: Where do all of our boys buy/find teeny tiny leather shorts? Do they all get some sort of e-mail list about these things? Of all the guys wearing short-shorts over half were in either red or black leather ones while the other half were split between denim cutoffs and underwear.

Last a funny story. So before we went out, Girlfriend and I grabbed dinner at an Indian restaurant near her home. It's a place we frequent often because the food is awesome, they have big portions and most importantly it's close by. We got there around regular dinner time and the place was empty. I mean e.m.p.t.y. and as the night went on every person who works there came to talk to us, including all the waiters, the hostess, both bartenders and the chef. We chatted about costumes, trick-or-treaters, going out later, the food, etc. but didn't really get specific as to our plans-just that we were meeting up with her coworkers later in the evening. (This is not the funny story by the way, this is background information) and as we left told them to have a great evening and hoped that business would pick up for them later. (Ok, here is the funny story) Hours later we are hanging out on the patio at the club getting some fresh air and chatting with an adorable little 20 year old boy wearing wings (check), body glitter and short shorts (check). Girlfriend feels a tap on her shoulder and hears a guy ask how dinner was. When he took off his mask we realized it was totally our waiter from that night, and to make it even better he was there with the guy who is normally our waiter (I told you we eat there a lot). He said, "I was hoping we were going to see you ladies here later tonight!" It was awesome.

Now I told you I was thinking of possible costume ideas for next year and while Girlfriend and I were getting dressed we were head to toe in all black and all white. Spy versus Spy people. Watch for it, wait for it.

Back and ready for Halloween

First, I would like to thank you all for your well wishes. I'm finally all better from the flu (Sidenote: Our school system isn't offering flu shots for staff member until Nov. 18...WTF is that about? Not like I would get the flu shot, but still I would like the option in a more appropriate time frame...you know like BEFORE I got the fucking flu! Sorry, back on track.) and getting ready for Halloween. Ugh. I know that relationships are all about compromise, and I will gladly compromise on many, many, many things without complaining but Halloween is just not one that I can handle quietly. I have my tradition, it isn't fancy, but it's mine. On Halloween I give out candy to children and watch "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" on a continuous loop and maybe, MAYBE go out later.

This was my plan. Did you notice the word was? See what ha-happened was Girlfriend has a new co-worker who is a transplant from Texas. (I'm sure you know where this is going) She doesn't know many people and wants to do something for Halloween. Everyone at their lab either has little kids or is (literally) out of the country at the moment...all except Girlfriend, new girl, and a total douche bag guy who no one likes. New girl really wants to do something and meet more people, Girlfriend has a big heart and can't say no...so now we are going out for Halloween. The only thing that is making this better is that we are going to the gay club since as soon as new girl became Facebook friends with Girlfriend (and realized Girlfriend is a homo) she has been talking about how she misses her gay best friend back in Texas. Thus, predominantly gay men's club/bar here we come! I found this out last night and had to come up with a costume. I am an avid fan of the "Non-costume costume" and this year since we are going to be going out-out I put a little bit more effort into my costume.

I'll give you the information, you put it together and tell me what you think I am in the comment section below. Ready? Here we go! Ok, I'm wearing a white shirt and white pants. I am going to pin white index cards all over my clothes and each index card has a different phrase written in black sharpie.

Here are the phrases:

Yes, it's clean

I'm not tired at all

Sorry, I already made plans

That dress doesn't make you look fat

Your baby is adorable

The check is in the mail

You look like you have lost weight

I love your hair

Yes, that matches

Dinner was great

I'd love to go out again

I love my job

You're a great cook

I loved the gift

This is just what I wanted

No, this doesn't taste like cardboard

Yes I was listening

Don't worry the stain will come out

I'm still awake

You're a great driver

No, I don't mind

Nothing's wrong

I'm fine

I can fix this

I love the opera

They're my favorite band

The dog did it

No, I didn't eat the cookies

I wasn't speeding

It doesn't hurt

I love your pet ferret

It's not that bad

The car is filled with gas

I'll be ready in five minutes

I didn't get the e-mail

My phone died

I texted you

It wasn't expensive

No, you didn't wake me up

Ok, now it's your turn to play along. Can you figure out what my costume is? (And in case you are wondering, yes, I am proud of myself!)

Spoiled but not rotten

I think we have established that Girlfriend is a lucky woman. Yes, I am also a lucky woman because she puts up with the inadvertent jackass things I occasionally say, but that is neither here nor there. Back to my point-not to sound like a conceited asshole, but I'm a good catch. Seriously-I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I iron said laundry, I make breakfast in bed, I fix things when they break, I pack lunch for work complete with a funny/mushy/silly note depending on my mood, I buy flowers just because, I send you with your favorite chocolates when you have a long trip and I will even be genuinely nice to your homophobic relatives.

In short, I (gladly and willingly) spoil Girlfriend and today is no different. Those of you who follow me on Twitter (or just read the updates in the right hand column here) know that Girlfriend surprised me with an impromptu visit last night and we have a Gaytastic (yes I just made that up because no other word fits) weekend ahead with the NC Gay and Lesbian Film Festival and seeing Amy Ray in concert. It's also our anniversary and that means presents! I'm *slightly* a perfectionist when it comes to wrapping gifts and Girlfriend's present has a LOT of tape on the back and sides. Side note: she laughs whenever I wrap anything because as she says, "I act like it's going to be put through a wind tunnel" and if it is traveling in a car it will have at least two layers of tissue paper, each individually taped before getting to the wrapping paper. Anyway, here is her gift:

What is in the impeccably wrapped box you ask? Well open it up and look inside...

Ok, so the fact that it lays in the box in the shape of a heart is totally cheesy and unplanned. Despite the cheesiness I think she will really like it. It's simplistic, silver and is suitable for wearing with jeans (which is her work attire) or dress pants. I'm off to get eggplant because dinner tonight is eggplant parmesan...one of her favorite dishes :-)

All about the adverb people, all about the adverb

In Atlanta this weekend Girlfriend and I realized something about speech. Here are two examples (in story form) that prove my point.

1) We went up to Midtown on Friday night to catch a drag show at one of the local bars. We looked places up ahead of time and found one that not only was having a drag queen show but also was hosting a softball league night a.k.a. lesbians, right? Um, what they failed to mention on their website was that it was men's softball. WTF. We got there and the place was packed, I mean really packed with softball playing gay men. We found a table near one of the bars and hung out with some fabulous gay men who were just as hospitable as the gay south we expected to find-including one bending down and giving me a kiss on the hand just because quote: my fabulous shoes and beautiful smile. Since the place was so crowded there were several times that men bumped into Girlfriend or me. Each and EVERY time they said, "I am SO sorry!" sometimes adding in, "Are you okay? Did I spill your drink? Did I spill my drink on you?" or my favorite to Girlfriend, "Love, LOVE your hair!"

2) On Sunday we headed back up to Midtown to go have brunch at Flying Biscuit. After that we walked across the street to Outwrite bookstore just to see what they had compared to White Rabbit by us. I opened the door for Girlfriend [cuz that's how I do] and two men were leaving at the same time. After she walked in I held the door open for them and ushered them out [again, because that's how I do]. As they left each of them said, "Thank you SO much."

Now to get to my point: Gay men love the adverb "so" and use it freely. Straight men bump into you and say "excuse me" or "I'm sorry" while gay men say "I'm SO sorry." I told this to Girlfriend and after observing a little while she agreed with me-she also added that while an equal number of people might have bumped into us at the bar as at other places we went...it didn't bother her at the bar. After futher discussion we decided that adding the "so" somehow makes whatever has happened okay and removes any negative feelings...we also decided that it only applies to gay men-not sure why, but it does. Here is a graphic for your viewing pleasure that I think proves my point:

I'm curious about your thoughts/opinions on this topic. Let me know and I'll be back in a few days to share stories about my 9 hour car ride with a carsick dog, visiting my family, etc. Fun times all around people, fun times all around.

P.S. I leave you with this-Girlfriend and I also went to the World of Coke. She decided that most of the vintage adds with couples in them look an awful lot like the Viagra and Cialis adds today. Coincidence? We think not. It also took Girlfriend 2.5 seconds in the gift shop to shout "FOUND IT!" when she came across this hat. Seriously, she has a gift for finding inappropriate things in wholesome environments...and I love it :-)

Emotional Day

Disclaimer: While I may state "Don't laugh at me" in this post, feel free to laugh...I recognize the absurdity of what I am telling you.

In case you didn't know, Girlfriend and I are headed to Atlanta tomorrow for a long weekend! YAY for getting away, YAY for road trip, YAY for all of it....except...I had to drop my baby off at the boarding kennel today. I tried every other avenue believe me-my roommate is going away, my neighbors are going away, and there is no one left to watch him who can commit to the time he needs. I found a good kennel where he gets lots of play time, has good boarding conditions, etc. still I have been agonizing about this since I realized no one that knows him could watch him. Since he was a rescue dog I didn't want him to think that I was abandoning him or anything negative.

This morning I felt like I was sending my first born child off to sleep away summer camp. Seriously. I labeled his name on his food, his treats, I let him pick out three of his favorite toys to bring (stop laughing...he really picked them out and they go as follows: 1) squishy tennis ball-it was a squeaky ball until he played with it too much and broke the squeaker inside 2) rope from his Aunt B-a.k.a. my roommate 3) rope ball-the best of both worlds-it's a ball and a rope in one!) and put them in a bag with his name on it. After everything was labeled and set, we drove (well I drove, he rode in the backseat, but anyway...) over to where he was going to be boarded. He was SUPER excited on the ride-I mean food and toys were coming, this had to be good! He was pretty excited when we got there and were waiting, while I was talking to the receptionist, until....it was time for me to leave. Then it quickly changed from, "Momma (that's what he calls me-he's a southern dog-don't judge) this is awesome! What can I play with?" to "Momma? You're not coming with me? Did I do something wrong?" I had to keep it together while his little brown eyes were looking at me all confused and he furrowed his little eyebrows...geez I'm going to start crying again....stop laughing. To make it even worse when they took him to the back he started whimpering...oh I lost it inside. I got back to my car and burst into tears, because seriously, I just left my baby for the first time and he started whimpering...which prompted me to call my mom and let her laugh at me, then console me, and affirm me that I did just drop him off for summer camp and he will be just fine.

EVERYTHING inside of me wants to call and check on him (yes, I am THAT lesbian animal parent, in case you skimmed the middle of this post and are just realizing the CRAZY that is going on) but I know he is fine...he's just my little boy and I worry about him. What if the other dogs don't like him? What if the other dogs don't want to play with him? Or play too rough with him? What if he has to go potty and no one knows and he tries to hold it and has an accident? Yes. I'm being serious...stop laughing these are the things I worry about. Mom tried to make me feel better but she doesn't fully get it, roommate was kind but also doesn't fully get it, Girlfriend was awesome and sent me sweet text messages because she gets it and it also "that crazy lesbian animal parent" Anyway, hopefully you have enjoyed my crazy over-protective lesbian animal parent moment of the day and hopefully I will have good stories from the first roadtrip with Girlfriend before B and I head up to visit his Gamma and Gampa in Jersey for about a week....but that's another post for another day...if you made it to the end, Happy 4th and enjoy your weekend!

Match. Point. Win.

So for those of you who are curious, Girlfriend's birthday week is this week and as you all know she went WAY above and WAY beyond which meant that I had some serious Adidas to fill (metaphorically speaking) sooooo, here is what I came up with. I gave her a big box today with instructions to open it when she got home. Inside the box there are five envelopes, each labeled for a certain day of the week. Each day she gets a message, a puzzle piece that when put together make a big heart (each piece is a different color of the rainbow...you know to make it extra gay...with each piece having a word to say, "I hope you had a great week", and a gift-each one builds on the previous day:

Sunday: Instructions and a squishy note in her birthday card

Monday: Mix tape to play on the way to work

Tuesday: Coffee mug that is green on the inside-her favorite color (you can never have too many coffee mugs)

Wednesday: A while ago she gave me a flower when she came to visit. I took a picture of the flower and super-imposed a poem I wrote for her on top of it and put it all together in a picture frame

Thursday: Her actual birthday...flowers delivered

Friday: New saxophone mouthpiece to replace her old one, and tickets to see the new Wolverine movie (she's an HUGE X-men fan)

Saturday: (She'll wake up with Saturday's card next to her while I am downstairs cooking) Breakfast in bed before she has to leave to go to see her grandparents

So in my (not so) humble opinion: Match. Point. Win.

Your opinion?

Best. Birthday. Ever.

*Disclaimer* If you are not in the mood to read a mushy, romantic, near vomit-worthy post...then skip this entry. If however, you are in a mushy, romantic, near vomit-worthy mood, read on my followers, read on....

I have had the best birthday ever...and it's not even my birthday yet. My "official" birthday is tomorrow, but since it is on a Monday, and it's the first day back to work, I celebrated my "birthday weekend" from Friday to Sunday...and it has been FAN-f*cking-TASTIC. Now, I love my family and they have always thrown me great birthday parties, given me well-planned and thoughtful gifts, but they are my family and to some extent it is expected. What was not expected was Girlfriend going way above and way beyond to give me the best. birthday. weekend. ever. Seriously.

It started on Friday when we went to dinner, a random artsy-fartsy movie and back to her place for the night (insert implied dirty things here___). Saturday we got up and went to the art museum for an Earth Day festival thing-which was fun AND had great people watching...I mean a bunch of tree-hugging [mostly] vegetarians, lots of families with little entertaining kids and tons of "family"...you know it was a good time. Before we left her house to go to said festival she was on the phone and made me stay in another room while she talked. When we left the art museum she informed me we had to go somewhere to pick up something...but that's all I could know. How about Girlfriend totally ordered gluten-free cupcakes for us and our friends so I could have cupcakes for my birthday. How cute is that!?!?! She already was amazing, I know this and you know this. Birthday bonus points #1-she thought ahead, ordered special cupcakes AND double checked on a pickup time in the morning. We then headed to my place to change for dinner when she decided I could have my birthday present. Apparently, it arrived at her house about 30 minutes before I did and she was stressing about getting it wrapped before I got there. She comes out of my room with a big box wrapped in the gayest rainbow paper I've ever seen topped with a big silver bow. Really. Her statement as she handed it to me, "Do you like the paper? It's super gay, like your present." (If you are like me, get your minds out of the gutter) Birthday bonus points #2-She got me custom shoes. Now, that might seem like a weird gift, but really I was left without words. Girlfriend ordered me dark green shell toed Adidas with white stripes, AND had my initials embroidered on the sides. Seriously. Someone was listening. Yes, as if the gluten-free cupcakes weren't enough, this just set her over the edge. Finally after a short nap and changed clothes (to match my new shoes of course!) we went to dinner with friends and then to the local gay bar (duh) for some serious fun birthday drunkenness. My friends are amazing and because I know my limit and there are several drinks waiting for me next time we go out-extra birthday bonus in a few weeks! Needless to say the night ended VERY well for me (again, insert implied dirty things here ____) and I have two weeks before Girlfriend's birthday. I'm just saying, she went way above and way beyond any expectations and I have got to do something spectacular for her.

So in conclusion: best. birthday. ever. I now have two weeks to come up with something equally great for girlfriend...wish me luck...