Thursday, July 30, 2009

Doing what we do best!

Today I did what we lesbians do not that-get your dirty minds out of the gutter...I took care of business and built shelves for my classroom. I needed them to be low to the ground, "indestructable" and most importantly cheap. Very cheap. I think it worked out pretty well, now I just need to decide if I need another one on top for more books. I also think that I might need to seal the cinderblocks so they don't make a mess all year and possibly paint them to add more color to the room. Most teachers theme their classrooms but not me. That's too much freaking work and I get bored easily, but today I was told by a co-worker that my indirect "theme" is colorful...enough said.
The best part of today was the trip to Lowes to buy the plywood and cinderblocks. I have a little car and needed the 10 foot piece of wood cut so it would fit. This young man whose eyes screamed, "I-can't-believe-they-are-going-to-let-me-use-the-big-saw" had some shall we say issues with my directions. Here is the conversation that followed:

Excited young man: How can I help you ma'am?
Me: I need this cut down into four foot pieces.
Excited young man: Ok, great!

He got out his little tape measure and measured, and measured....and measured. I got concerned after he started scratching his head and avoiding eye contact. I could tell he had a question and was trying to figure out the answer on his own. Finally, after several awkward minutes he gave in.

Excited young man: Um, so you want four foot pieces?
Me: Yes.
Excited young man: ......ok, um, no problem.
Me: (putting him out of his misery) I need two four foot pieces. The extra two feet at the end are going to be scraps.

Seriously. He was trying to figure out how to take a 10 foot board and cut it into equal four foot pieces. I'm concerned about the future, because THEY LET HIM WORK THE SAW. Did I mention he was unsupervised. Seriously. I felt like I should be apologizing for the educational system letting this poor kid down. He cut the pieces and handed them to me all excited that he did a job well done. I left trying not to shake my head because he had just given me a great post. As my mom says, you just can't make this shit up people, you just can't.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Like singing in the shower or car

I was trying to figure out how to eloquently put into words news that I'm excited to share, but all I could come up with were story examples-so I'm going to trust my gut and hope this makes sense. I sing in the shower. I sing in my car. I mean I REALLY sing in my long as it's just me and sometimes B. After years of singing in competition groups when I was in school I'm able to hold my own, but don't ever think I'm going to take a mic and sing a solo for a crowd. I sing for me, for my dog (don't judge me), my friend's little children, but mostly for me because I like to. I belt it out when I am alone, but when others are around I tone it down for them because I love them and their ears.
Now imagine sitting in your car alone, belting it out when (insert whatever singer you love) drives up next to you at a stoplight. You don't notice because you are wrapped up in belting out the chorus, and then all of a sudden they comment, "Hey I like your singing. Want to come sing at my concert?" Don't even lie, you'd crap your pants right then and there. That's what I was feeling like the other day. Okay, in case you are totally lost as to where I am going with this here is my thought train pulling into the station for a connection.
We have already established that I write my little blog for me, and those of you who are interested are welcome to come along on the ride, but ultimately it's my outlet because therapy is too expensive and I am poor. Like all bloggers I have those sites that I look at as way out of my league and I could only hope to be like someday in the future. Well readers, I about crapped my pants when Grace the Spot contacted me because they like what I do over here. Seriously. My little blog feels like singing in the shower or car-and Grace the Spot is like a rock star that overheard me belting it out slightly off tune. As I have more details you know I'll be sharing it with you, because honestly there is no where/one else I can share it with-and would fully appreciate it. I'm left with a "holy crap" expression on my face and a short typed list of things I can write about over there.
Again in conclusion: Holy Crap.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Pride Quotes and Stories

Quotes from Girlfriend for your reading pleasure. Welcome to my world people, it's awesome..

In Pride Color Order...because that seems appropriate:

Red-When I told her what time we had to be there, "11 AM, that's too early for the gays"
Orange-While riding in the car in total silcence "This one time, on Golden Girls..."
Yellow-When getting back into the car after taking a potty break "It's too hot for a baby."
Green-While sitting on a bench at pride people watching "Wow. Someone lucked out in that relationship."
Blue-After walking around in 90+ degree heat "Would it be inappropriate to use a tampon to dry off my face. They're super plus."
Purple-As we were walking past a barricade that ended the pride area "NO! We're going out of the safe zone. Turn around!"

Do you ever have a moment when you hear yourself talking, and you know you need to shut up, and while your brain is telling you SHUT UP, your mouth decides otherwise? SHOCKER that that happened to me. My friend S had looked online and saw that it started at 11, which to us meant that the parade was at 11. Well we get there and there is no parade (we will come back to this in a moment) and S is running almost 2 hours late. When Girlfriend asked where she was since it was all her idea, I responded with, "S runs on her own time. She makes you look like you get to places early." I KNOW. I KNOW. As I was talking I could hear myself in my head saying, SHUT UP but I also thought it was funny. It didn't deliver funny. It delivered in a jackassery way that required some backpedaling to get myself out of trouble. The best part was that there were two police officers nearby and when we walked by one of them chuckled and said to me, "Nice save." That was awsome :-)
Now back to the no parade thing. WTF. What the hell is pride without a parade? I mean, we do a parade really well. As girlfriend pointed out, we even have a marching band just for this kind of occasion. Everything about a parade is gay-from the glitter, to the streamers, to the choreographed dancing in the streets...I was highly disappointed. We will be attending the Durham Pride this September where there IS a parade, and it's awesome.
Have a great rest of your weekend, I've gotta get going because Girlfriend doesn't know I blog and here she comes!

Friday, July 24, 2009


*Disclaimer-this post is very depressing. If you want to skip to the bottom where I make up for it with two happy/fun stories I will not be offended.*

It's been a couple of emotional weeks over here which caused me to run away from blogging for a little while in order to take care of some things. 1) Girlfriend's childhood dog (we shall call her Feisty Ankle Biter) has had a large mass in her abdomen for about 7 months. They had drained it several times, but Feisty Ankle Biter was turning 15 years old, and clearly suffering. Girlfriend's mom made the decision to put her down on Wednesday. I went with them and seriously, it was one of the saddest things I've seen. Everyone was waiting on the vet to get there (who normally doesn't work on that day) and Feisty Ankle Biter was not doing well. It should come as no shock to you that I am a rock. A rock people. A. rock. I was not a rock. The vet got there about 5 minutes after Feisty Ankle Biter passed, and all four of us sat there and cried. Everyone is doing better, but it was a rough time. 2) My grandpa who I love (and am SHOCKINGLY just like) had to have a double hip replacement. The doctors were waiting on doing the surgery because he had an infection that wouldn't clear up, leading them to believe that it might be bone cancer. He is currently undergoing treatment for stomach cancer and about 10 years ago battled colon cancer...twice. Thankfully the tests came back that it wasn't bone cancer, but in the process of replacing both his hips they broke his leg. Yes, you read correctly. They broke the man's leg. Which SOMEHOW they didn't notice until after they were looking at x-rays of his completed surgery, thus sending him back to the OR to fix their f*ck up. When I was taking with him on the phone he said, "Those G*d damned doctors broke my G*d damn leg and are making ME pay for it. What kind of bullsh*t is this!?!?" I love my grandpa, he makes me laugh. 3) Grandpa was doing better and had moved to a rehabilitation center when his blood pressure went through the roof and wouldn't come down. The doctors finally got it down a little but everyone is shocked that he didn't stroke out. I'm not. The man is made of chemicals and is essentially radioactive after so many treatments after all these years, compounded by the fact that he drove an 18 wheeler delivering hazardous chemicals to different companies for all of his working days. He's going to outlive us all and bitch the entire time. I love it :-) SOOO, hopefully this helps explain where I've been and why I haven't posted in a little while.

Ugh, it's too depressing to end a post this for two happy/fun things!

1) Girlfriend and I were driving and talking about who knows what when the conversation made its way to her talking about how she's "knocking at thirty's door" is a paraphrase of what followed:
Me: You have two years.
Girlfriend: 1 year, 8 months.
Me: Whatever. Are you really freaked out about turning thirty or are you just messing around? (if she was seriously freaked I wasn't going to pick at it)
Girlfriend: Nah, it doesn't bother me but you should know something.
Me: Ok.
Girlfriend: My biological clock is ticking. Seriously.
Me: How fast is it ticking? Did this just start?
Girlfriend: No, it's been ticking but it's gotten loud and now I can hear it.
Me: [insert awkward silence here] Um, baby....I love you but there is nothing that I can do. You're the scientist. I'm just saying...
She makes me laugh. I'm not sure what she wants me to do about her biological clock ticking. I think she just likes making awkward and mildly uncomfortable situations when I have nowhere to go (a.k.a. in a car) and hide.

2) We are heading to Charlotte Pride tomorrow with some of our friends which should lend itself to some fun stories and maybe (gasp!) pictures. Down side: it's supposed to be in the 90s. I'm from Jersey...I don't do 90s...I do air conditioning. If you are at Charlotte Pride tomorrow and see a puddle of cargo shorts sluggishly moving, it's me-come by and say hi!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Discovery on the interstate

After driving 10+ hours in constant traffic I feel an expert in deciding what kind of driver you are based on your vehicle. Here is a chart for your viewing pleasure. Thoughts? Comments? Opinions? You know where to leave them!

Monday, July 6, 2009

All about the adverb people, all about the adverb

In Atlanta this weekend Girlfriend and I realized something about speech. Here are two examples (in story form) that prove my point.

1) We went up to Midtown on Friday night to catch a drag show at one of the local bars. We looked places up ahead of time and found one that not only was having a drag queen show but also was hosting a softball league night a.k.a. lesbians, right? Um, what they failed to mention on their website was that it was men's softball. WTF. We got there and the place was packed, I mean really packed with softball playing gay men. We found a table near one of the bars and hung out with some fabulous gay men who were just as hospitable as the gay south we expected to find-including one bending down and giving me a kiss on the hand just because quote: my fabulous shoes and beautiful smile. Since the place was so crowded there were several times that men bumped into Girlfriend or me. Each and EVERY time they said, "I am SO sorry!" sometimes adding in, "Are you okay? Did I spill your drink? Did I spill my drink on you?" or my favorite to Girlfriend, "Love, LOVE your hair!"
2) On Sunday we headed back up to Midtown to go have brunch at Flying Biscuit. After that we walked across the street to Outwrite bookstore just to see what they had compared to White Rabbit by us. I opened the door for Girlfriend [cuz that's how I do] and two men were leaving at the same time. After she walked in I held the door open for them and ushered them out [again, because that's how I do]. As they left each of them said, "Thank you SO much."

Now to get to my point: Gay men love the adverb "so" and use it freely. Straight men bump into you and say "excuse me" or "I'm sorry" while gay men say "I'm SO sorry." I told this to Girlfriend and after observing a little while she agreed with me-she also added that while an equal number of people might have bumped into us at the bar as at other places we didn't bother her at the bar. After futher discussion we decided that adding the "so" somehow makes whatever has happened okay and removes any negative feelings...we also decided that it only applies to gay men-not sure why, but it does. Here is a graphic for your viewing pleasure that I think proves my point:
I'm curious about your thoughts/opinions on this topic. Let me know and I'll be back in a few days to share stories about my 9 hour car ride with a carsick dog, visiting my family, etc. Fun times all around people, fun times all around.

P.S. I leave you with this-Girlfriend and I also went to the World of Coke. She decided that most of the vintage adds with couples in them look an awful lot like the Viagra and Cialis adds today. Coincidence? We think not. It also took Girlfriend 2.5 seconds in the gift shop to shout "FOUND IT!" when she came across this hat. Seriously, she has a gift for finding inappropriate things in wholesome environments...and I love it :-)

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Emotional Day

Disclaimer: While I may state "Don't laugh at me" in this post, feel free to laugh...I recognize the absurdity of what I am telling you.
In case you didn't know, Girlfriend and I are headed to Atlanta tomorrow for a long weekend! YAY for getting away, YAY for road trip, YAY for all of it....except...I had to drop my baby off at the boarding kennel today. I tried every other avenue believe me-my roommate is going away, my neighbors are going away, and there is no one left to watch him who can commit to the time he needs. I found a good kennel where he gets lots of play time, has good boarding conditions, etc. still I have been agonizing about this since I realized no one that knows him could watch him. Since he was a rescue dog I didn't want him to think that I was abandoning him or anything negative.
This morning I felt like I was sending my first born child off to sleep away summer camp. Seriously. I labeled his name on his food, his treats, I let him pick out three of his favorite toys to bring (stop laughing...he really picked them out and they go as follows: 1) squishy tennis ball-it was a squeaky ball until he played with it too much and broke the squeaker inside 2) rope from his Aunt B-a.k.a. my roommate 3) rope ball-the best of both worlds-it's a ball and a rope in one!) and put them in a bag with his name on it. After everything was labeled and set, we drove (well I drove, he rode in the backseat, but anyway...) over to where he was going to be boarded. He was SUPER excited on the ride-I mean food and toys were coming, this had to be good! He was pretty excited when we got there and were waiting, while I was talking to the receptionist, was time for me to leave. Then it quickly changed from, "Momma (that's what he calls me-he's a southern dog-don't judge) this is awesome! What can I play with?" to "Momma? You're not coming with me? Did I do something wrong?" I had to keep it together while his little brown eyes were looking at me all confused and he furrowed his little eyebrows...geez I'm going to start crying again....stop laughing. To make it even worse when they took him to the back he started whimpering...oh I lost it inside. I got back to my car and burst into tears, because seriously, I just left my baby for the first time and he started whimpering...which prompted me to call my mom and let her laugh at me, then console me, and affirm me that I did just drop him off for summer camp and he will be just fine.
EVERYTHING inside of me wants to call and check on him (yes, I am THAT lesbian animal parent, in case you skimmed the middle of this post and are just realizing the CRAZY that is going on) but I know he is fine...he's just my little boy and I worry about him. What if the other dogs don't like him? What if the other dogs don't want to play with him? Or play too rough with him? What if he has to go potty and no one knows and he tries to hold it and has an accident? Yes. I'm being serious...stop laughing these are the things I worry about. Mom tried to make me feel better but she doesn't fully get it, roommate was kind but also doesn't fully get it, Girlfriend was awesome and sent me sweet text messages because she gets it and it also "that crazy lesbian animal parent" Anyway, hopefully you have enjoyed my crazy over-protective lesbian animal parent moment of the day and hopefully I will have good stories from the first roadtrip with Girlfriend before B and I head up to visit his Gamma and Gampa in Jersey for about a week....but that's another post for another day...if you made it to the end, Happy 4th and enjoy your weekend!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Awesome Website

I don't know how I am just discovering this website now, but I am. GraphicJam is AWESOME!! As your friendly helpful gay, I'm passing it on to you for your enjoyment-just in case you have been like me and living under a rock...I've also added graphics from two awesome posts they have that fit my life quite well :-) Enjoy!