Sunday, April 26, 2009

Match. Point. Win.

So for those of you who are curious, Girlfriend's birthday week is this week and as you all know she went WAY above and WAY beyond which meant that I had some serious Adidas to fill (metaphorically speaking) sooooo, here is what I came up with. I gave her a big box today with instructions to open it when she got home. Inside the box there are five envelopes, each labeled for a certain day of the week. Each day she gets a message, a puzzle piece that when put together make a big heart (each piece is a different color of the know to make it extra gay...with each piece having a word to say, "I hope you had a great week", and a gift-each one builds on the previous day:

Sunday: Instructions and a squishy note in her birthday card
Monday: Mix tape to play on the way to work
Tuesday: Coffee mug that is green on the inside-her favorite color (you can never have too many coffee mugs)
Wednesday: A while ago she gave me a flower when she came to visit. I took a picture of the flower and super-imposed a poem I wrote for her on top of it and put it all together in a picture frame
Thursday: Her actual delivered
Friday: New saxophone mouthpiece to replace her old one, and tickets to see the new Wolverine movie (she's an HUGE X-men fan)
Saturday: (She'll wake up with Saturday's card next to her while I am downstairs cooking) Breakfast in bed before she has to leave to go to see her grandparents

So in my (not so) humble opinion: Match. Point. Win.

Your opinion?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Best. Birthday. Ever.

*Disclaimer* If you are not in the mood to read a mushy, romantic, near vomit-worthy post...then skip this entry. If however, you are in a mushy, romantic, near vomit-worthy mood, read on my followers, read on....

I have had the best birthday ever...and it's not even my birthday yet. My "official" birthday is tomorrow, but since it is on a Monday, and it's the first day back to work, I celebrated my "birthday weekend" from Friday to Sunday...and it has been FAN-f*cking-TASTIC. Now, I love my family and they have always thrown me great birthday parties, given me well-planned and thoughtful gifts, but they are my family and to some extent it is expected. What was not expected was Girlfriend going way above and way beyond to give me the best. birthday. weekend. ever. Seriously.

It started on Friday when we went to dinner, a random artsy-fartsy movie and back to her place for the night (insert implied dirty things here___). Saturday we got up and went to the art museum for an Earth Day festival thing-which was fun AND had great people watching...I mean a bunch of tree-hugging [mostly] vegetarians, lots of families with little entertaining kids and tons of "family" know it was a good time. Before we left her house to go to said festival she was on the phone and made me stay in another room while she talked. When we left the art museum she informed me we had to go somewhere to pick up something...but that's all I could know. How about Girlfriend totally ordered gluten-free cupcakes for us and our friends so I could have cupcakes for my birthday. How cute is that!?!?! She already was amazing, I know this and you know this. Birthday bonus points #1-she thought ahead, ordered special cupcakes AND double checked on a pickup time in the morning. We then headed to my place to change for dinner when she decided I could have my birthday present. Apparently, it arrived at her house about 30 minutes before I did and she was stressing about getting it wrapped before I got there. She comes out of my room with a big box wrapped in the gayest rainbow paper I've ever seen topped with a big silver bow. Really. Her statement as she handed it to me, "Do you like the paper? It's super gay, like your present." (If you are like me, get your minds out of the gutter) Birthday bonus points #2-She got me custom shoes. Now, that might seem like a weird gift, but really I was left without words. Girlfriend ordered me dark green shell toed Adidas with white stripes, AND had my initials embroidered on the sides. Seriously. Someone was listening. Yes, as if the gluten-free cupcakes weren't enough, this just set her over the edge. Finally after a short nap and changed clothes (to match my new shoes of course!) we went to dinner with friends and then to the local gay bar (duh) for some serious fun birthday drunkenness. My friends are amazing and because I know my limit and there are several drinks waiting for me next time we go out-extra birthday bonus in a few weeks! Needless to say the night ended VERY well for me (again, insert implied dirty things here ____) and I have two weeks before Girlfriend's birthday. I'm just saying, she went way above and way beyond any expectations and I have got to do something spectacular for her.

So in conclusion: best. birthday. ever. I now have two weeks to come up with something equally great for girlfriend...wish me luck...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A for Awkward.

So, I logged on to facebook earlier today and I had a friend request. Nothing strange here, I get friend requests randomly as do all facebook users. However, the strange part came when I clicked to see who wanted to be my friend. Get ready people....are you ready? My mom. Seriously. My mom wants to be my friend on facebook. WTF.

A few things about my mom that make this an awkward situation:
1) She is much cooler than me so the sheer fact that she didn't already have a facebook is weird 2) She violates the "mom code" on a near daily basis and thus is typically referred to by her birth-given name and rarely "Mom" see Cookbooks and Dirty Jokes as an example
3) I'm a little creeped out by the idea of her being my friend on's just too.....personal

It took me a couple of hours to decide what to do. I talked with a good friend back in Jersey and he said, "Totally add her!" I regarded his answer as null and void simply because a) he does not have his parents on facebook and b) he likes my mom (oh, and his opinion wasn't what I wanted to hear). I then text messaged Girlfriend who replied with, "That's why I blocked my dad from being able to find me." which also was useless because hell, she already found me. Finally I called my mom and laid down some "ground rules" if you will before I would add her. Basic stuff really-no friending my friends without permission, make sure you know the difference between Wall-to-Wall and private messages, etc.

Um yeah, we shall see how this goes...

Monday, April 13, 2009

Breaking it upppppp

I am officially on Spring Break and it is fabulous...for the first 3 hours.  The one bad part about Spring Break is that while I love being able to sleep in and get things done, I have too much time on my hands.  When all of your friends have "normal" jobs, there is no one to hang out with during the day.  Unfortunately by the end of the week conversations with my mom on the phone sound something like this:

Mom: So, what did you do today?
Me: Mow the grass, then took a shower.
Mom: Anything else?
Me: Um, I ate a sandwich....

As an avid list maker, here is my Spring Break list of daily activities:

Monday: Buy shirts for work, see Girlfriend for dinner
Tuesday: Take dog to the vet
Wednesday: Go to optometrist for new contacts, see Girlfriend for dinner
Thursday: Mow the grass 
Friday: Get car washed, see Girlfriend for weekend plans
Saturday: Girlfriend is in charge ('cuz it's my birthday weekend!)
Sunday: work in nursery, bitch about going back to work tomorrow (secretly excited)

For those of you slackers out there, just a reminder you have 2 days left before your taxes are due...the gov't is broke and you better believe they will be looking for you and your money this year!  Girlfriend FINALLY did her taxes yesterday (I've been hounding her daily since I found out she hadn't done them) and our conversation last night went something like this:

Girlfriend: Guess what I'm doing?
Me: Um, eating?
Girlfriend: Nope.  Doing my taxes.
Me: Good job!
Girlfriend: Yup, so you can stop complaining.
Me: Hey, I just don't want to come visit you when they haul your ass away.
Girlfriend: You wouldn't come visit me?
Me: No, I totally would, I just would rather come visit you at your house, not the big house.
Girlfriend: No worries.  I'd become someone's bitch so it would be all good.
Me: No way!  You are nobody's bitch but mine.
Girlfriend: Awww, you just called me your bitch.  That's adorable!
Me: Yes I did and don't you forget it.  OOO, Hallmark should jump on the bandwagon and make a card for that one, something like "Taxes were due today, the gov't hauled you away.  The state is broke, it was no joke."  Then on the inside, "While you are doing time, you're nobody's bitch but mine.  Yes I said it, and don't you forget it."
Girlfriend: (laughing)
Me: I'm just saying...

Friday, April 10, 2009

Holy Crap we are at 100!

We have reached a moment people.  A moment that I was not expecting and feel slightly unprepared for today.  This is my 100th post.  I know, I can't believe it either!  It's so big to me that I it gets a big picture...I'm just saying.  I have a lot to say (obviously) but I didn't think anyone would care...apparently 35 of you do enough to subscribe and read my random rants on an inconsistent basis.  SOOOOO, in light of my 100th post, here are 50 things about me that you may or may not know and may or may not care to know...broken up into sub-categories because that's how we roll around here.  (I was going to have some profound reason for picking 50 but really it's just because I couldn't think of any more)  Enjoy and have a Happy Easter!

1) I am an only child
2) I moved 500+ miles away for college and never looked back
3) I'm the first (and only) person on both sides of my family to go to (and graduate from) pressure people, no pressure
4) I want two kids
5) I'm never giving birth because it freaks me out
6) How #4 will happen under the condition of #5 is slightly questionable
7) My mom is my hero
8) My dad thinks I will be a great husband one day
9) My mom taught me to cook and change a flat tire
10) My family drives me insane but I wouldn't trade them for anything if I could

11) I live with my best friend
12) I will fall to pieces when she moves out to marry her boyfriend (one day)
13) I don't trust people easily
14) I would rather have 5 close friends than 50 acquaintances 
15) My friends call me out on my shit before it even happens
16) I will talk to anyone near me
17) I desperately want to please people
18) I don't care what society thinks
19) #17 and #18 don't contradict, even if they appear to on the surface
20) Some of the most important friends I have live 1/2 way around the world

21) food-pancakes
22) color-green
23) smell-sweets baking in the oven
24) animal-little bird on the hippo (because they are bad-ass)
25) season-fall
26) outdoor activity-hiking in the mountains
27) book-The Pearl
28) person-my mom
29) drink (non-alcoholic) rootbeer float
30) drink (alcoholic) vodka tonic

OCD moments a.k.a. "The Crazy"
31) I have assigned spots for people to eat both at home and at work
32) I have to put my shoes on right, left and take them off left, right
33) I do cleaning tasks twice (dust, vacuum, rinse dishes, etc.)
34) I can no be late.  Can. Not. Be. Late.
35) My closet is arranged by type of clothing, length of sleeve, color
36) All my shoes point left in, right out on the shelf
37) I eat my food in one of three ways 1) separated one thing at a time 2) separated but equal amounts of everything on the fork at the same time 3) all mixed up but still equal amounts of everything on the fork at the same time
38) I have a complicated grocery shopping routine (see previous post)
39) I make lists for everything.  I will add something just to cross it off the list
40) My roommate knows better than to mess up my routine because I can't function

Random Facts
41) I hate to have my feet naked...I even sleep in socks
42) I despise asparagus but keep trying it because it looks cool on a plate
43) I took 7 years of Spanish and can't hold a conversation (but I can conjugate the hell out of a verb!)
44) I refer to myself as "Self" in one-person conversations at the grocery store.
45) I like to create awkward moments on purpose just to make people squirm.
46) I love my dog more than I ever thought was possible and officially am "that dog lesbian"
47) I am a vegetarian but don't have any ethical issues, I just think it tastes gross
48) I don't do idle well
49) I have to have non-matching but coordinating sheets on my bed
50) I have to have equal amounts of things in my left and right front pockets.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Homo Neurotic

So I'm slightly (ok, let's be real....highly) neurotic about certain things.  I have a moderate case of OCD (self-diagnosed but affirmed by everyone who knows me) and can be described as "particular" about random things.  I am fully aware of this.  I recognize this.  I accept this.  I am also fully aware, recognize and accept that I need to ease people into what I call "The Crazy" so they don't run like hell-as sane people should.  

I am slowly easing Girlfriend into "The Crazy" and things have gone well.  Parts of "The Crazy" she now knows:
1) I can't be late to places.  Can. Not. Be. Late.  I don't care that Girlfriend is always late.  Her internal clock runs about 10-15 minutes slower than the rest of the world.  As long as I am not late and making her (or anyone) wait, I'm good.  She thinks it's strange that I will get somewhere 10-15 minutes early just in case, but accepts it.  She also knows I will lie to her and tell her we need to be somewhere 30 minutes earlier than we actually do so she will be on time.
2) I have created assigned spots for people to sit during meals at work and at home.  Do. Not. Sit. In. My. Seat.  I can't eat.  I don't know why, but it just is...don't judge, don't question, just accept.  

Tonight she got introduced to another element of "The Crazy" when she went grocery shopping with me.  We met halfway for dinner and after dinner I had to get some tree-hugger food at the local Whole Foods.  Now, I know I'm strange when it comes to the grocery store.  I know this.  I was slightly hesitant when she asked if she could come with me, simply because this is a big part of "The Crazy" and it's still early in the relationship.  Here is how the conversation went when the subject came up:

Girlfriend: Is it okay if I come with you to Whole Foods?
Me: I'd love your company but, um...are you sure?
Girlfriend: Why do you have a weird routine?   (gasp) You totally do!  Oh I'm coming, but don't worry I will stay out of your way.  Promise. 
Me: Ok, if you are sure.  I mean you are going to experience "The Crazy" at the grocery store eventually.

Yup, she laughed at "The Crazy" that she experienced tonight.  Hell I laugh at "The Crazy" when it comes to the grocery store.  Now that I have thoroughly intrigued you with what "The Crazy" at Whole Foods consists of, here are a few elements:
1) I have to go up and down every isle-if I need something there or not starting from the right side of the store to the left
2) I have a list and must get each item in the order of it being on the list (most times things are listed out from one side of the store to the other with an occasional backtrack)
3) Dry and cold things must be separated in the top and bottom baskets
4) I put things in the cart emphatically...I'm not mad, just on a mission
5) I talk to myself...extensively...after about six items she realized I was having the conversation with myself and stopped answering...

As we were putting the groceries into my car I looked at her and said, "So?" She said to me, "It's a little weird but I'm not surprised at all.  Your routine is cute and you make me a good way."

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Nature V. Nurtue

So my girlfriend is spending the weekend here at my place and since my roommate is away on a retreat she brought her puppy (he's six but still...) with her to meet my little guy.  Now she had pre-warned me that her dog (we will call him Q) is a gay dog.  She also told me that my little guy shouldn't have anything to worry about since Q tends to go after big dogs-but he can't reach.  They show up and of course my dog has personal space issues (not unlike his owner) and does not under any circumstances want Q sniffing his ass.  Fast forward and hour and they are playing fine until Q goes to sniff his ass and my dog goes apeshit.  Apeshit people. Ape. Shit.  Fast forward three hours-my dog is now chasing Q around the house, showing Q his junk, licking and sniffing his ass.  Fast forward another two hours.  Our dogs are getting down in the middle of the living room floor.  Um, yeah they go at it for quite a while.  Yeah....
This morning we decided that my dog's temper tantrum was his was of saying, "I'm not gay!" but he's a total queen.  This morning he was prancing around, bringing Q toys, following him around, etc.  My dog has got it bad for Q, who hilariously wants nothing to do with him this morning further proving that Q is a player and my dog is now his bitch.  
So the question begs to be answered-are our dogs inherently gay or are they a product of their gay environment?  Ultimately it doesn't matter, we love them just the way they are...and at least everyone in the house got lucky last night :-)