Cookbooks and Dirty Jokes

Sorry it's been a little while, I've had some Internet difficulty...but I'm back for your reading pleasure!  I know what you're thinking, cookbooks and dirty jokes, no they aren't related.  A lot of funny stuff has happened since I last posted, so I figured I should just bundle it all together.  

First the cookbook incident.  Ok, so my mom and I were in her kitchen and she was trying to pawn off some of her less used cookbooks on me to help de-clutter her new kitchen.  Now I love to cook and I love cookbooks so I was all about scanning through them to see if any of them would be ones that I would use enough to take back.  I start scanning this one that is all about entertaining with friends and such.  I'm thinking, "Ooo, this one looks promising!" ESPECIALLY after I find a recipe for Lace Cookies.  At the top of the page is the list of ingredients, you know, flour, sugar, eggs, vanilla, etc.  Then listed below are the directions with a pretty picture of the cookies once they are made.  Nothing strange yet, right?  At the very bottom of the page is a line (and I quote) Time saving tip: If pressed for time purchase cookies at a local bakery or supermarket.  SERIOUSLY, WTF???  The entire premise of the book is because I want to COOK it myself.  If I was pressed for time, or didn't want to make cookies, don't they think I would have thought of this genius idea earlier?  Apparently they (and their editors) must think America is filled with idiots who need a cookbook to tell them what to do if they don't want to cook.  Well, after I composed myself and finished laughing at my mom for buying such a ridiculous "cookbook" and ranting about the entire idea of a cookbook telling me how to buy cookies at a store I looked closer at other pages.  You would not believe this but EVERY recipe had a similar asinine statement.  It's almost as bad as the sleep medicine telling you on the warning that it may cause drowsiness.  

Now for the dirty joke incident.  My mother and I have a very warped relationship, which has only served to get worse as I've gotten older.  The older I get the more she says things that are, to say the least, inappropriate to tell your child.  We were in the living room and here's how the conversation went. [(Mom) "My friends and I were talking about what we would do if something ever happened to our current spouses and we decided to date again." (Me) "Really?  What did you all decide?"  (Mom) "Well, personally I decided that I would date based solely on occupation.  And I've decided that if something ever happened to your father I would date an optometrist."  (Me)  "Interesting choice, explain." (Mom)  "They are always checking, 'Which is better, this...or this.  I'm not sure, can you do it again?  Sure, this....or this?"]  At this point I am DYING on the chair about to pee in my pants.  She looks at me innocently and has the audacity to say, "What?"  To which I promptly tell her she has a dirty mind.  Her proud rebuttal...I made that joke up myself (cue big smile).  My mom, I love her, weird relationship and all.