Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Drowning in the downpour...

Disclaimer: This is a long post with lots of depressing/sad information. There is no sarcasm, wit, or sillyness. I am sorry for this but that's just not where I am right now.

I haven't wanted to talk about all of this because it's a lot of downers (and that's really not what my blog is about) and it's a little too personal to put out there, except that I have no other options. On Sunday morning I got a call from my mom that I was dreading. As soon as I saw her name pop up I knew why she was calling and burst into tears. My grandma was on a ventilator in the hospital and passed away that morning. She was fine a week ago and even took the grandkids and great-grandkids into the city for a day trip. She was a amazing woman with more courage, love, compassion and strength than anyone else I've known. What's even more is that she didn't have to be my grandma, she was my god-father's wife's mother. (follow that train?) When I was a little girl my dad's mother said some very hateful things to me and essentially banished me from her life (all are her issues that I worked out in years of therapy but that is a WHOLE different topic that I am totally over). When my grandma found out about what happened she pulled me aside and said, "I will always love you. I will always be your grandma. Don't let anyone ever try to tell you differently." She didn't have to be my grandparent, but chose that role for her and her husband. She attended every grandparent celebration at school, and treated me just like all the other grandkids, punishing my god-brothers' cousin who said I wasn't family. When my god-father was killed in an accident she kept the family together and running. When I got sick several years ago she sat with my parents in the hospital waiting room after everyone else left. She was an amazing woman and today is her funeral. I am 525 miles away. It's not that I don't want to be there, logistically I simply can't. I can't afford a plane ticket, I wouldn't have been able to drive there in time, and it just was not possible to go. Needless to say I am a wreck this week.
Add to that that Girlfriend and I are in a rough place right now. We're both struggling with things right now (different issues for each of us) and it's really hard right now. We've been together for almost a year and she's having some financial problems that I've recently learned a lot more about. Her dad is going to pay off her debt and she is going to pay him interest free which is awesome. He wants her to move back in with him so he can help her out. Now before I go further, her dad and I are cordial. We're polite to each other and can keep a conversation going for a little bit, but please don't leave us to ourselves for more than thirty minutes as awkward silence will be inevitable. With that said, let's be real-he is an overbearing, I'm-always-right, do-it-my-way-or-you'll-never-hear-the-end-of-it man who has more than once thought she was "being gay to get back at him." He even lied to her grandparents about Thanksgiving and said she was with other relatives and not me (they all know she's gay) but that is a totally different issue too. She lived with him for a little while and hated every moment of it because he controlled everything and she always felt like she was doing something wrong and had no freedom. I being me, tried to fix this and I offered her an alternative: move in with me. Guess what she picked? Here's a hint, it's not living with me. I'm trying to be understanding (there is a lot more to it than her just saying no-in a nutshell her partner of six years left one morning for work and never came back, leaving her a "Dear John" letter on the kitchen counter so she has fears of moving in) but it's really hard. I feel like I need to be careful about what I say to her right now because I don't want to make her feel guilty or bad about choosing to move back in with her dad, which is putting me in a hard spot. Clearly I can't talk to her about it right now and my best friend (former roommate) is away visiting her and her boyfriend's family for the holidays.
Top it all off with the fact that I am having some health problems that I'm now starting to get really worried about. Way back in October I got the flu, remember that? Well at the same time as I got the flu my period started and was really really bad for a couple of hours then was gone. Since it stopped abruptly I went to the doctor because that was not normal. They told me that I was fine and it was probably just because of the flu and not to worry. So I didn't. It's essentially January-I still have not had my period again yet I get all the symptoms and pain. I didn't go back to the doctor because I just kept assuming that it would come and I would get back on my schedule. It's going on almost four months now and I'm going to go to a different doctor to hopefully get some answers.
So if we put it all together this makes me one gigantic mess of a person who feels like crap all around. To make it worse I can't really talk to anyone about it because my family is obviously a mess, my best friend is away and Girlfriend is dealing with her own issues. B is tired of listening to me but has been very loving while I've been crying on the couch since Sunday. If you made it this far, thank you for listening. I promise to get back to my sarcastic, witty, silly self as soon a possible but right now I'm just drowning in the downpour...

13 comments:

Jude said...

Hey, you do have a lot of shit going on right now. The priority needs to be you, your health. And realize that some people are controlling, try not to get caught into their nets.

Propane Amy said...

I don't comment much but I do read your blog. It's impossible to be sarcastic, funny, silly 100% of the time. You do have someone to talk to... You have all of us. We've never met but each of us in some way or another have been where you are at right now.

I have no words of wisdom or special advice. But what I can tell you is it's OK. Write what ever you need to write... funny, sad, angry, happy, silly, depressed... whatever it is, we'll all be right here offering up whatever we can for you.

Thank you... for opening up to us, for being human, for just being you.

crystal said...

I am so sorry you are going through all of this! Grief is hard, bigotry is hard, distance is hard, combined though, it sounds incredibly painful. Just remember that the world is always a much more beautiful place after the downpour, Im just so sorry that it takes the rain in order to get there.

Dragon said...

I am sorry to hear about all the stuff you are going through. *Big Hugs!* and keep your head up.

Dragon said...

I am also sorry to hear about your grandma. I know how that is. She sounds like she was an amazing woman.

ashtree said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time! I hope things smooth out soon. Sending you a hug and good vibes from Oregon.

The Surprise Dyke said...

All commentors-As you know I am living on an emotional precipice and your heartfelt love and words have again moved me to tears. The difference is for the first time this week they have been happy tears for which I cannot thank you enough.

Mel's Way or No Way said...

I don't often post comments but want to send my condolence for the loss of your grandmother.

Sending good vibes to you and take care of yourself.

Nulaanne said...

I don't have any words of wisdom or sayings to to make it "all better" as a 3 year old would say. Just know that you are not alone.

Carolyn said...

I wish I could give you a big hug! I hope everything begins to look up soon. We're always here for you!

p.s. there is no reason to be sorry. We are all here, through the witty, funny, and sarcastic, to the hard times when you just need to write out everything. <3

trinity2 said...

Hey, it's ok to write about things that are going on - it's your blog and use it to get things out, as a sounding board and for support.
First of all, I am sorry about your grandma. Second, the path your gf is on is hers and she has to walk it herself. Maybe she's afraid of putting pressure on the relationship by depending on you. I hope you start feeling better soon! You're in my thoughts!

Ashley said...

I wish you the best. We're all pulling for you. Remember, tough times don't laugh, tough people do.

Vikki said...

I'm behind on my blog-reading but just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. I'm sending good thoughts your way.