Replacement

Grumpy Gus is being replaced tonight with Positive Pollyanna. While there are many many things that suck, there are also things that are inherently awesome. I bring my top six to you tonight.

Things that are awesome:

1) Rainbow cookies. This may be a regional thing so for those of you who know what I'm talking about move on to #2, all others let me further expand. They are the most delicious cookies that melt in your mouth. Look at the picture and salivate.

2) Snuggly pets. That's B. He's awesome. This you should already know.

3) Dusting. Unexpected company coming over in 5 minutes and the house is a mess? Dust a table. You have a super power to make a room look spotless in 10 seconds...if only it lasted past company.

4) Just Because Flowers. Nothing is better than a random I love you flower from the person you love. (This one is from Girlfriend because quote "I just wanted to watch you smile from the kitchen.")

5) New shoes. They're clean, they smell good, and the inside are squishy pillows for your toes.

6) Making things from scratch. Creating something from "nothing" is a very cool skill. Not only does this make YOU awesome, when you feed others something you made from scratch they tell you you are awesome.

7) Compliments. (See #6)

Things that suck and why

I'm done saying I'm sorry for the month of February. I've maxed out my quota of those words and to go along with the "Negative Nancy" kind of day I've had I've made a list (because that's how I roll) of things that suck and why. Feel free to add to it in the comment section.

Things that suck and why:

1) Getting water in your shoe. As soon as 1 itty-bitty droplet of water gets in there it's Squeaksville for you all day.

2) Dropping a lollipop on the floor. The 5 second rule cannot save your delicious treat.

3) Burning cookies in the oven. Smell of cookies baking is awesome and dissipates in.05 seconds. Smell of burnt cookies lingers forever in your home.

4) Forecasting snow and ice. I thought the earth was melting or something like that? Everything around me is f*cking frozen.

5) Paper cuts. How can something so tiny and not bleeding hurt so G-D much?

6) Forgetting passwords. No, the "clue" is not helpful either thank-you-very-much.

7) Shaving in winter. Thanks chilly breeze, I just wasted 15 minutes of my life for nothing.

8) The aftermath of crying. You'll still have those bloodshot eyes and puffy face two hours later.

9) People saying, "Bless You" before you sneeze. You think you're soooooo funny don't you? Just wait....

Visiting the relatives, or something like that

This past weekend Girlfriend invited me to tag along while she went to visit her grandpa. I brought B, as we are a package deal. The trip began with let's just say a rocky start. Explanation below.

While riding in the car on the way to see Avatar in 3D (p.s. It's awesome!)

Me: I know we're leaving after the movie but what time are we heading back tonight?

Girlfriend: You know we're staying the night, right?

Me: What?!?!

Girlfriend: We're coming back tomorrow.

Me: But, but, but....you said we were going on Saturday.

Girlfriend: We are. We're going on Saturday and coming back Sunday.

Me: (deep long breath)

Girlfriend: Sorry? I love you?

Me: It's fine. B may be eating Q's food because since you didn't tell me I'm not sure that I packed him enough for two days.

Once we got there everything was fine, however-Girlfriend ALSO neglected to tell me that her grandpa lives in the middle of f*cking NOWHERE. We were surrounded by nothing but flatness, passed a total of two traffic lights and ate at one of two restaurants in the area. Let me paint a picture here for you: we drove from his house a solid twenty minutes where we were the only car on the road (unless you count the f*cking tractor we got caught behind) where we turned onto another desolate road when eventually led to a restaurant and nothing else. When we were in the parking lot of the restaurant I handed her my wallet from my back pocket and told her to stick it in her purse because I felt slightly unsafe and "too gay" for the location. I'm not against rural areas, but I am not designed to live (or visit) there either. On another note her grandpa was wonderful and very welcoming to me and B, who he liked but wondered quote, "Is he ever still? What is left for him to sniff?"

On Sunday we went "visiting" the rest of the relatives which was an adventure I was not fully prepared for but turned out fine. Oh! Oh! BEST part-while we were at Girlfriend's great aunt's house she kept insisting that we had met before, several years ago at the funeral for Girlfriend's grandma. As much as Girlfriend and her mom tried to get this woman to let it go, she was just not having it. Insisting that I somehow looked familiar, and must have visited in the past, wondering if I had done some different with my hair, etc. I thought it was hilarious watching Girlfriend and her mom squirm trying to get this sweet old lady to shut the hell up. Walking to the car Girlfriend's mom grabbed my arm and said, "Um yeah...sorry about that." Climbing in the backseat Girlfriend looked down sheepishly and said, "So, um yeah....sorry about that." I burst into laughter at the whole situation which made them feel better.

Diet and Dog Food

B was called chunky. I am not okay with this. After this was said I started looking at him and yes, sigh, he has become a *little* chunky. His diet started today and I think he knows something is up because he kept looking at me while I put his food in his bowl as if to say, "Hey momma, why is this not a full as usual? You forgot some in that last scoop." I'm hoping this will help his "chunkiness" and get him back on track. I'm also not very happy with his food at the moment. He's been eating Natural Balance Duck and Potato for a while and it's been really good for his allergies. The bag I bought last time said, "New and Improved Formula!" but B and I beg to differ on the improved part. I'm looking for a new grain free formula that does not cost half my monthy salary...any suggestions would be VERY appreciated. As Girlfriend has told me many times, skimping on the animals is NOT an option and B's health is priority number one. Readers, do you have any experience or opinions on Evo, Candide, or Pinnacle dog food? They all have grain free formulas but since they are quite expensive I'd love some input on experiences you (or those you know) have had with these (or other) grain free brands.

V days recap

Confession: Girlfriend was my first valentine. Ever.

When I told her this she was confused, then I explained that somehow I've always been single in the month of February and never had a valentine. I then made the stupid mistake of saying, "Well, roommate was my valentine in college, but that didn't count." After a little but of back pedaling I was out of the doghouse. We decided a while ago because of financial reasons to keep the V day stuff to a minimum. Well, a minimum price but lots of stuff, because as you know-I don't do "simple" gifts see reminders one and two.

Wednesday

On Wednesday the FedEx man rang the doorbell and a mysterious package was left on the steps. NATURALLY I ripped that sh*t open when I saw it had my name on it. Exactly 5 minutes later I got a text.

Girlfriend: Don't open that.

Me: Five minutes too late.

What did she send me you wonder? Personalized m&m's in two shades of green. Dark green ones that say, "Who needs..." and light green ones that say, "...pink and red?" I love it but am left with a predicament: I want to keep them, but I don't want them to go bad so I feel I should eat them. Decisions, decisions.

Thursday

I went to work per usual and while I was teaching the students about the history and traditions of Valentine's Day the topic of my gift came up. My class thinks she's awesome and that "Miss _____ is very lucky to have a Valentine who really knows her." I couldn't have said it better myself. We ended the night by going to the Brandi Carlile concert which was A-Mazing to put it mildly. If you don't know who she is, you should. I will leave it at that.

Friday

We both had taken off of work knowing the concert would run late and took full advantage of sleeping in. Girlfriend made me breakfast (normally I'm the one getting up and doing this, so this was a nice surprise) and after "brunch" we rearranged the furniture per my drawing and it looks awesome! Finally we got dressed (when we had to) and went to dinner at a new Thai restaurant. When we got back home I made her a white chocolate cake with raspberry sauce for her gift. She loved it!

Saturday

On Saturday we did nothing all day. It was great. In the evening we had some of our friends come over who we hadn't seen in far too long and I made dinner for everyone, complete with dessert. It was great to catch up with friends and just relax at home.

Sunday

I made Girlfriend breakfast in bed and surprised her with a personalized crossword puzzle all about us. She did pretty well on it and only needed three clues :-) She gave me a card which I was not expecting and promptly tore into. It was a Valentine's Day card with undies on the front. Inside she wrote, "Happy Valentine's Day, but more importantly happy eleven months. I didn't think my future would amount to anything. Then you came along...now I know I was wrong." Cue the mother f*cking waterworks. I am not, I repeat NOT a crier but they just popped out before I could stop them. We did nothing all day, no I take that back-we TRIED to do nothing but take a nap but two dogs would just not let that happen. When they are napping no one bothers them but if we want a nap, noooooo it must be play with the squeaky toys and jump on moms time.

All in all it was a pretty great weekend with the people I love. Here's hoping your weekend was just a great and *wishfully* snow free!

Making it OURs

This should come as no surprise: I am a control freak. Girlfriend is the exception because I am more than happy to let her make decisions for us. Her furniture is now at my house and we have been trying to re-arrange the living room to work but it has been a futile attempt. She had asked if it was okay with me if the couch was not centered to the room and initially I said that was fine. I really thought I would be okay with it. I don't know what I was thinking. I am SOOOO not okay with it. Tonight I measured all the furniture and the room, made everything on graph paper and moved stuff around until I liked it then send Girlfriend a picture text to get her input. She likes the changes and this is now our project for the weekend. And they say you never use the things you learn in school....

Here is the new layout in case your curiosity was burning inside:

In other news, this conversation excerpt was too fun not to share. Girlfriend and I went to lunch with our friend after "helping" her shop for clothes. Yes, we were in public. No, we were not quiet.

Me: I'm banking on you being able to support our family. My teaching salary is never going to be enough.

Girlfriend: Hold up. I have to birth them AND pay for them?!?! If I'm being the woman in this situation you need to man up.

Me: Woman please! After they're born who is cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the house and going over homework. Mmm-hmm. That's what I thought.

Friend: Wow. Your children have no chance.

Me: That's what I'm sayin! Her salary needs to provide for us because CLEARLY mine is going to be their future therapy fund.

F*cking A!

Guess what? Schools are closed again. Ugh, I am SOOOOOOOOO over this bullsh*t. The superintendent (a.k.a. Mister Boss Man) originally had it as a delayed opening last night and then at 6:45 I got a call saying it was closed for students, optional work day for teachers. Those of you who may not know, "optional" means work or take a day without pay. Seriously. It's not safe for parents to drive their children, it's not safe for busses, but it's good enough for me to come in or loose a day of pay. That is entirely different rant for a different day.

At around 7:30 I get another phone call from my principal (a.k.a. Boss Lady) I am not a fan of her and let's just leave it at that. HER message went something like this, "Teachers do not come in today. The roads are way to bad around school. My car has four wheel drive and I couldn't make it down our school road, so please stay home. I will do something to help you all make up the time, but please do not risk coming today."

Now, Mister Boss Man said we were supposed to go to work, but Boss Lady said no. I felt like a kid who wasn't sure which parent to listen and like I was going to get into trouble somehow from someone. Last night I went to the grocery store and got more baking supplies to surprise Girlfriend with white chocolate chip cookies (her second favorite to peanut butter) and today I am going some more cleaning because Girlfriend's dad is coming on Sunday to my house for the first time and my home needs to make a good impression. B is NOT helping and he has been banned from the backyard after his bath, at least until Sunday afternoon.

On a positive note we are going to the Brandi Carlile concert in 6 days! AND we are seeing Wicked in 84 days for our joint birthday presents to each other. 84 days, but who's counting? Here's hoping the weather is better wherever you are!

Back, back, back to school!

I'm sure if you've been following the special edition of "Ramblings of the surprise dyke trapped indoors and loosing her sanity" you will be able to fully appreciate how excited I was to go back today. Even better were my students who WANTED to be there-it was awesome. What was NOT awesome was that some of them lost their sanity and acted a damn fool requiring me to give several monologues about expectations. While some may have acted a damn fool at least they were listening:

Location: Cafeteria

Offense: jumping in seats and general damn foolishness

Perpetrators: Student 1 and Student 2

Me: I KNOW you know why I am standing here. Correct?

Students 1&2: (looking at the floor) Yes ma'am.

Me: Then tell me, why did I walk across the cafeteria, leave my delicious lunch that is now getting cold, and come to your table?

Student 1: Well, see what ha'happened-

Student 2:-Don't even try that she SAW us stupid.

Me: Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm standing right here!!!

Student 2: Sorry Miss _____. Sorry Student 1.

Student 1: It's cool. (looking at me) We've got ourselves under control. (nodding) Promise.

Me: Are you certain? Because if I have to come over here again...

Student 1: No, no, no that won't be necessary. We know better than to be THAT class in the cafeteria. After our routine was interrupted we lost control of our minds and self control for a minute. Trust us, we've found our brains.

Me: THAT class? What is THAT class?

Student 2: Mtttz. You know who we're talking about Miss ___. The one where you look and say, 'Can you believe THAT class acting a fool!?!?' We know better than to embarrass you like that 'cuz you will call our moms and embarrass us.

Student 1: Nu-uh!

Student 2: Chu-huh! She totally called my mom last year when I acted a fool in the cafeteria. AND she made me tell my mom what I did on the phone. It was bad man. Trust me, you don't want that to happen.

Student 1: Man.

Student 2: Seriously. Miss ____ don't play.

Me: And neither should you. Finish eating you only have five minutes left.

Students: Five minutes!

Me: Yup. That's what happens when you loose your minds and self control. I'm going back to my lunch which better not be cold or I'm giving you the long distance stink eye.

Students: (giggling)

Day 5...

Well report cards were supposed to go home on Tuesday and CLEARLY that didn't happen. I had not started them until today, because well...it's not fun. I have procrastinated as long as I could and today I did them in record time: 1 hour 10 minutes and that was AFTER I accidentally didn't save 5 of them and had to re-input all my information a second time. I just got the message that we get to go back to work tomorrow on a 2 hour delay-just enough time for me and all the other slackers to print them out and stuff them in envelopes. I have never been more excited to go to work, and just to prove it here is texting between me and Girlfriend:

Me: I GET TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW!!!!

Girlfriend: You are weird.

ME: Dude, I have been stuck in this house for five days. Don't judge me.

Girlfriend: Sorry. My apologies to your fleeting sanity.

Me: Apology accepted and my sanity slowly restored.

There is a VERY real chance that Thursday is the only day we will go to school this week as more snow/sleet/ice is expected on Friday and Saturday.

Day 4...

My house is clean. There is nothing left to clean. The laundry is done. There is nothing left to wash. I tried out a new recipe today and I will be making it for Girlfriend in the near future. I'm bored out of my mind and guess what....SCHOOL IS CLOSED AGAIN TOMORROW!!!!!

Holy mother f*cker I have GOT to get out of this house. I will be venturing out and "opting" to work because I really think I might loose it if I stay inside for another day. There is no more snow in my neighborhood but I'm guessing that there must be some really bad roads in the county for them to close school 3 days in a row. Here's hoping I keep my sanity...

Day 3...

Girlfriend had to go to work at regular today, but she was unable to get out of the driveway. She tried and tried but her little Honda was not able to scale the snow and ice on an incline. After calling her boss and explaining (thankfully they understood) we put more salt behind her tires and waited for the sun/salt to do it's thing. She was finally able to get on the road 1 1/2 hours later leaving me by myself. I attempted to go out today but seriously, look at my street...I was going nowhere. School is canceled tomorrow and it's an optional teacher workday. If my road looks like this tomorrow I'm going to "opt" to stay here.

Here's a brief recap so far:

1 snow day=awesome with your girlfriend and dog

2 snow days=cool with same company, but running out of things to do

3 snow days=getting stir crazy by myself

4=snow days=SEND HELP!!!