Seriously?

Girlfriend and I were at Lowes food getting dinner supplies when we came across this lovely sign. Seriously, who the hell is in charge of the spell check at Lowes? Apparently no one. It gets worse people...the parmesan cheese says, "Tradtional style" leaving me concerned about the future of our country.

Countdown is underway!

My parents arrive on Saturday. One guess as to who is not ready. The house is messy, the list of things to do is growing exponentially and time is dwindling down. They will be visiting me from Saturday to Friday (yes, that is a LOT of days I KNOW!) and I've made my dad a list of things to around the house to let him feel like "The Dad" even though we both know I could do everything on the list myself. When I told Girlfriend that they were going to be getting here on Saturday here is how the conversation went:

Girlfriend: Saturday? I thought they were going to be here on Monday?

Me: You and me both. Well, at least you get to meet them before Thursday.

Girlfriend: Um.....I'll meet them Thursday.

Me: Ok. Here's how this is going to go. I want you to be here and meet them Saturday. The answer I'm looking for is yes. You have a week to get yourself comfortable with that answer okay?

Girlfriend: Um......

Me: So when I ask, 'Are you spending the night here Friday?' The answer I'm looking for is yes. You want me to make more decisions, and now I'm making one (insert big cheesy grin here).

Girlfriend: But, but, but, your parents are scary!

Me: Honey you've never met them! AND they already like you. AND nothing is scarier than you dad.

Girlfriend: Hey! What do you mean?

Me: Need I remind you when we started dating you were still staying at your dad's?

Girlfriend: No, I remember that.

Me: Well nothing is scarier than being a loud abrasive northern and eating breakfast with a large Southern man whose daughter I'm sleeping with.

Girlfriend: (laughing) Ok, you win. Yes. I will be here on Saturday.

Just wondering

Why is it that when you go to the doctor and get a shot it leaves no lasting mark but the band-aid you have to rip off leaves red battle wounds for days?!?! Where do doctors get these ridiculous industrial glue band-aids and why can't they just use normal ones like we get at the store. You know, ones that stick but also come off without taking off the top two layers of skin? That is all, carry on.

Per Request...

I wanted to spare you the gross factor and not show you my jacked up hand, but since I got a request (and I hate to disappoint) I feel obligated to share a picture. In case you are wondering, no, that's not a shadow-my finger really is three different colors. I wore a band-aid over it today so the kids couldn't see it, but they got curious when they saw all the blue/purple/black. I showed those that were interested in seeing it and told them the story of what happened-being sure to include how I didn't cry once...they were thoroughly impressed (as they should be) and I've reclaimed my rightful spot as toughest kid in class. Fun Story: One kid fell on the playground today and was rolling around as if they were dying (he was totally fine and milking it). As I was watching this unfold I overheard one student look down and say, "You're fine." Then another classmate joined in with, "Yeah, it's not like you stabbed a knife through your finger like Miss ______, you just tripped." I'm glad to know that my pain and suffering is now the gauge as to which child complaints are judged by their peers.

Update on my flesh wound

Update: My mom was really upset that Acute Care was closed so I sucked it up and went to Urgent Care which was still open. When he took off the gauze that I spent 30 minutes wrapping myself his first words were, "Wow! Man, how did you do that?!" Really? They gave you a medical license and that's the first thing you say when you see my wound? He then said, "Um, I'm not quite sure how to fix this." Yes, my confidence level dropped through the basement at that moment.

Anyway, They soaked my hand in some pink antiseptic stuff. He said it wouldn't sting-he lied. I would have been fine if he told me it would sting, why did he lie and make me unprepared for the pain? Then I just looked like a big weenie instead of tough. I'm tough, I just was trusting the liar who said it wouldn't sting. He then debated stitching or gluing my hand back together and which would be the best solution. Ultimately he decided that gluing it would be the best course of action since I waited almost 5 hours to seek medical attention. I also had the joy of getting a tetanus shot (Holy Mother F*cker did that hurt!) just to be safe.

It made Mom happy and now (hopefully) my finger won't get all funky and infected...and maybe if I'm lucky I'll get a bad-ass scar...just sayin. Oh, and I called and told Girlfriend (after everything was good and glued) to let her know what had happened. I figured if she saw my jacked up hand and I hadn't told her about it, nothing good could happen. She was not thrilled I didn't tell her until then but understood my reasoning so she forgave me. She also said she was proud of me and that I was very tough :-D when I sent her pictures I had been sending to Mom while debating seeking medical attention. I left out the part when I almost passed out at the doctor's office. I'm still not sure what happened. I'm not afraid of needles, I'm not squeamish about blood, my only thought was that I hadn't eaten since breakfast and the pain got to me. Now I've shared too much and you no longer think I'm tough. :-( But I am tough (stamping my foot!) even Girlfriend said so!

Holy Mother F*cker!

I've gotten used to living on my own, and have even come to enjoy it...that is until today. It all started when I went to make lunch (stuffed portobello mushrooms) and was chopping onions. They were slippery and I have a jacked up cutting board since the good ones didn't belong to me and I never got around to getting a new one. (If you don't know where this is going shame on you!) Do you ever have that moment where you know something bad is going to happen, but you can't stop yourself? Like you can tell it's going to be bad in your mind but your body won't cooperate? I sensed this was not going to end well and as that feeling came over me, the knife stabbed through the entire top of my index finger. Holy mother f*cker! It bled and bled and bled to the point where I took a picture and sent it to my mom (she's a paramedic) to find out how to fix it. She told me to go to acute care in case I needed stitches, but alas when I arrived they were closed. She then sent me to get gauze pads and roller gauze to fix it myself since I had bled through 3 bandaids. Here's something I didn't know I didn't know until about 20 minutes ago...it is damn near impossible to apply a gauze pad and wrap your own index finger, especially when it's the top half you have mutilated. Normally I would have had Girlfriend help but she's away visiting her Grandpa, so it's just me and the dog. It has finally stopped bleeding but hurts like a bitch now that I have taken the ice off it...and I'm still hungry because when all this happened I gave up on lunch. No Girlfriend, no lunch and I f*cked up my hand. What a shitty Sunday.

I want to adopt this kid!

Quick story from class today because it's just too awesome not to share. My students were playing a Word Wall game where every kid had a white board and marker on the carpet. One child would write and say a sentence with one word missing that was on the Word Wall. The first kid to figure out the missing word (and spell it correctly on their board) got to pick the next word/phrase. (Side note: I make them write their sentence to make sure it makes sense, you would not believe how many times they come up with a "sentence" that has no subject, predicate or connected thought ending in frustrated classmates.) One child, who shall now be named Coolest Kid Ever was up and he asked me for a suggestion word. I gave him the word "that's" because students have been having trouble with where apostrophes go in contractions. He looked at me with a big smile and quickly began writing on his white board. As he finished I turned five shades of red, burst into uncontrollable laughter, and (unfortunately) had to have him write something else. What did he write you wonder?

______ what she said.

Seriously. Coolest. Kid. Ever.

Two Discoveries and a funny story

As you know, I was less than thrilled about getting roped into going out for Halloween. I'd like to eat my words and honestly say that I had a fabulous time, AND I'm even planning out possible costumes for next year-it was that awesome. Also, as you know I was dressed in all white with those phrase cards attached all over (Answer to my costume: little white lies) and Girlfriend wore black shoes, black pants, black lace top thing, black button up shirt-but not buttoned, a black fedora, and one of my green and black ties. What was she you ask? Her Guitar Hero character that she created. Side note: I don't think it gets any gayer than that. Even better was that it started with her saying, "I want to wear a fedora and your green tie...I'll figure out the costume as I go." After she was dressed I looked at her and said, "Did you intentionally dress like your Guitar Hero chick, or is this a super gay coincidence?" Oh, here's a super fun story-Girlfriend has no idea, I mean NO idea, how to tie a tie and needed me to help her. She wouldn't even try because she was afraid she would somehow mess up my tie and that just can not happen. She's a smart lady :-) Oh, and she bought me the tie a while ago as a gift because I was looking for a green tie with a small black design-it's a Miss Feeney's Finery and has this picture on the inside...Girlfriend just got more awesome didn't she?

Anyway, that was totally off topic. The post is about two discoveries and I've yet to share them. Discovery 1 comes from the costumes: Girlfriend is f*cking hot in a tie. I mean, she's always hot don't get me wrong, but she was super hot in a tie. I'm used to seeing Girlfriend femmed out as she normally wears lace top things (Is it messed up that I don't know what they are actually called? If you know, help a chick out and leave it in the comment section.) under her shirts while rocking fitted jeans, a purse, etc. but to see her in her lace top things and a fedora and tie was a whole new level of hotness. Discovery 2: I love Halloween. I've never loved Halloween and have felt left out in the community as it is our Gay Christmas. I'm gay, I love Christmas, but I don't love Gay Christmas. That is until this past weekend-partying at a gay men's nightclub is the only, I mean ONLY way celebrate. In addition to a Halloween themed drag show, we played our own game of "wing counting contest" throughout the night. We also had a "short-shorts" contest. Sidenote: Where do all of our boys buy/find teeny tiny leather shorts? Do they all get some sort of e-mail list about these things? Of all the guys wearing short-shorts over half were in either red or black leather ones while the other half were split between denim cutoffs and underwear.

Last a funny story. So before we went out, Girlfriend and I grabbed dinner at an Indian restaurant near her home. It's a place we frequent often because the food is awesome, they have big portions and most importantly it's close by. We got there around regular dinner time and the place was empty. I mean e.m.p.t.y. and as the night went on every person who works there came to talk to us, including all the waiters, the hostess, both bartenders and the chef. We chatted about costumes, trick-or-treaters, going out later, the food, etc. but didn't really get specific as to our plans-just that we were meeting up with her coworkers later in the evening. (This is not the funny story by the way, this is background information) and as we left told them to have a great evening and hoped that business would pick up for them later. (Ok, here is the funny story) Hours later we are hanging out on the patio at the club getting some fresh air and chatting with an adorable little 20 year old boy wearing wings (check), body glitter and short shorts (check). Girlfriend feels a tap on her shoulder and hears a guy ask how dinner was. When he took off his mask we realized it was totally our waiter from that night, and to make it even better he was there with the guy who is normally our waiter (I told you we eat there a lot). He said, "I was hoping we were going to see you ladies here later tonight!" It was awesome.

Now I told you I was thinking of possible costume ideas for next year and while Girlfriend and I were getting dressed we were head to toe in all black and all white. Spy versus Spy people. Watch for it, wait for it.