Changed my costume

Quick post to update y'all.  I changed my costume from pirate to something WAY more awesome.  Here is what I am wearing out tonight.  A sticker that says, "Hello, my name is Alec."  and a small report card with all A+'s on it.....what am I people....come on, guess......think REAL hard..... I am (drumroll please) a smart Alec.  Get it?  Well, I think I am hi-larious (even if you don't) and even better that I thought of it today when I was getting dressed in my Harriet the Spy costume (which also was awesome).  Anyhoo...have a safe and happy Halloween!

For Serious People. For. Effin. Serious.

For serious people.  For. Effin. Serious.  This week could not be any crazier.  Scratch that, change crazy to more difficult.  This week could not be any more difficult.  What's going on you ask?  Why would I label this post "For Serious People.  For.  Effin.  Serious"?  Well faithful (first-time and infrequent) readers, here is a breakdown of the end of last week/this week in review/preview.

Starting last week:

[Crucial background: already have Bronchitis for the second time in two months and am on z-pack]

Thurs.-Small annoying bump on my eyebrow...no big deal

Fri.-Painful, slightly larger annoying bump on my eyebrow...mild headache...not a huge deal

Sat.-Top eyelid swollen, face slightly tingly around eye...can't move eyebrows...moderate headache...slight deal...considering this may be an actual issue to have looked at...too prideful to go acute care since I was just there for Bronchitis last week

Sun.-Top eyelid swollen, bottom eyelid swollen, face really tingly down to bottom of cheek...can't move 1/2 of face...major headache...huge deal...go to urgent care...emergency blood work, shot of penicillin, lost 2 hours of my life to be told I need to go to the opthamologist tomorrow...spend 2 more hours calling 44 people to find a substitute for Monday

Mon.-Call out of work...nervous about substitute who has never been to our school...go to opthamologist...spider bite on face...more antibiotics...head still hurts...

majorly...told to continue taking aspirin for headache...aspirin not working...taking Naproxen instead...face still swollen...sleep all day

Tues.-Teacher Workday...spend all day cleaning classroom and parent conferences...write substitute's name down for future use because kids behaved (my students eat substitutes alive like the spider ate my face)...mild headache...face slightly puffy...still can't move eyebrows...can move puffy face

Wed.-Major writing test at work, annoying pointless meeting for 2 1/2 hours after work...all major assessments due today...maybe buy Halloween costume if it's not too late after pointless meeting...considering being a pirate given the current state of my face...thoughts?  suggestions? opinions?

Thurs.-1/2 day...another opthamologist appointment to check eye again after school...buy Halloween costume (if not done Wednesday)...give dog a bath...he stinks...really really stinks

Fri.-Halloween...scary hair day for children...dress like your favorite book character for teachers (thinking of being Harriet the Spy...wear my glasses, jeans and a hoodie...I can do that)...give out candy...go to gay bar for Halloween party later that night

Sat.-Friend coming in to town...buy leaf blower/sucker-upper for yard...use leaf blower/sucker-upper on yard

Yeah...so...difficult week...I swear this week if it's not one thing it's another...can November just get here already so I can start a new month...October has pretty much sucked all around and I want to start anew...

P.S.-Sorry for the excessive use of periods of ellipsis and poor grammatical choices....actually I'm not sorry but I feel compelled to add this in at the end as a disclaimer that I know it had a lot of both.  If I've just lost you, periods of ellipsis are colloquially known as dot dot dot...colloquially...[crickets] hey, have you seen my week?  I needed a laugh at the end.  For those of you who are still lost see the second half my post "Petty or Valid" for context to colloquially.

Bronchitis...Again

Bronchitis is kicking my ass...again.  I just had this 2 months ago, and I NEVER, I mean NEVER get bronchitis.  Currently though, it is throughly ahead in the ass kicking department.  Hopefully the antibiotics will help and I will be back to my normal, ranting, cynical self very soon. Let me just tell you about what happened yesterday.  So I went to the clinic because I was 99.99999% sure I had bronchitis again and needed to get a prescription.  I got there at around 4:30 and the place was packed, I mean packed.  I was going to begrudgingly stick it out until I read the neon orange sign on the receptionist's desk: All persons being treated after 5:00 will be charged a $25.00 fee in addition to all co-payments.  SERIOUSLY?????? WTF???? They are open until 7:00, but if you are seen after 5:00 you get screwed?  Naturally I peaced out of there and decided to suffer for an additional day.  Please explain to me where it makes logical sense to charge a ridiculous fee during your normal operating hours.

In other fun news: the cute teacher down the hall said my sick bronchitis voice was, "all deep and sexy." While another one said, "Eww, sick man voice."  I think I'm going with the cute teacher's opinion....just saying...

I hurt myself at work today :-(

I can't believe I am telling you this, but alas I must have absolutely no pride left, and well it is a good story.  (Side note: I may have shared this already, if I have I'm sorry but it's worth repeating.  I have a theory that you should only do things for one of two reasons-#1 A free t-shirt  #2 A kick-ass story.  If you don't get either one of them, you really need to reevaluate.)  Anyway, back on track.  Today I hurt myself at work.  My knee is currently all bandaged up with an ice pack and I am propped up on pillows on the couch.  What happened you ask?  How did I inflict this horrible injury?  [insert taking a brave deep breath] Walking people, I hurt myself walking.  Honest, and yes, you may laugh at me and leave snarky comments if you feel moved to do so.  I'm a big girl, I can take it.  Speaking of taking (like the segway?),  I was taking the kids to the bus area and while I was walking them all of a sudden my knee felt all weak and achey.  By the time car duty had ended and I was walking (or rather limping) to the office it was hurting like a mo-fo.  Here's the real issue, I'm pissed.  Not that I hurt myself (which is annoying don't get me wrong), but that I hurt myself walking in sneakers...it wasn't like I was even wearing heels or anything that would add instability to my gait.  No people, I was wearing sneakers and hurt myself walking, walking.  [If you stop reading my blog after this embarrassing post I will completely understand.]  Later tonight while I was resting my sports injury (do you like the spin control?)  I was talking with my friend S who was trying to cheer me up and she quickly reminded me this would not have happened if I walked right foot, left foot (I always walk left foot, right foot which she thinks is weird.  Readers, which foot do you start with when you are walking?  I'm just curious if there is anyone out there in my camp.)  So yeah, I hurt myself walking...walking people...walking.  Seriously, I thought I mastered this around 10 months old?  Apparently not.

R U Kidding???

First I need to start with SERIOUSLY????  Here is the scene on the playground today with a crew of little girls jump roping:

Girl 1-Ready?

Girl 2-Almost, let me tie my shoe.

Girl 1-Ok. (twirls rope over)

Girl 2-OMG, I said I'm not ready yet!

[end scene]

OMG??? WTF??? R U kidding me??? When did children start speaking in text message code??? I think as a society we have reached a new low.  I'm not judging (well, yes, I am but it's justified), I'm just saying....

Stumble and fall (again)

So, confession time...I have stumbled and fallen (again) and really, one day I hope (and pray) I will get it right.  There is this co-worker of mine, who for lack of a better phrase pisses me off.  Other colloquial choices: grates my nerves, pushes my buttons, churns my butter.  It's not just me, honest, other people are irritated by her as well.  She is on my list of people who I truly do not like, and for the record, that's a very very very short list.  You may be thinking TSD, this is rather harsh, can we have some reasons on why you despise her so much?  Why thank you for asking faithful (or infrequent or first time) readers, I will gladly (and maybe too eagerly?) justify my stance in the following numerical order:

1-She's condescending (side note you don't really need to keep reading this list, everything else from 2-10 fall under this umbrella)

2-She's got a stick shoved up her ass

3-She's my co-worker not my boss, yet talks to me like I have to listen to her

4-She acts like she's God's personal gift to education

5-She changes her stances on "best educational practices" from year to year

6-She acts like she has always known said practices

7-She tells us we are doing our jobs incorrectly for following previously said practices from two years ago while we (insert condescending tone of voice) should be doing the "new" ones 

8-She's an idiot with a sh*tload of theory and no personal classroom of students to deal with on a daily basis

9-She hates her job because she didn't get the fancy-pants promotion she applied for last year and is taking it out on us

10-Did I mention she's a condescending bitch who when we do something different are talked down to and criticized for not following "research", then when she mentions a "new best practice that research shows..." (which by the way we WERE doing but got in trouble for so we stopped) it's as if she is the only one who knows anything about anything in education and we are a bunch of tools who perplex her in how we ever got degrees in the first place.

OH OH OH #11-She made the cute teacher I have a crush on cry...that's right people...cry...don't do that...GRRRR

Now that I have given you my personal (abet biased) stance on why I can't stand this woman, let me explain the entire reason for my post.  (insert deep sigh) My pastor was talking about love and the church on Sunday [can you see where this is going] and how we are to love people when they are unlovable as God first loved us before we loved him.  Our church has grown from around 200 to over 350 in the last year, and a lot of that has to do with how we genuinely love people when they come (and no it's not that fakey churchy love where everyone hugs you but doesn't actually care at all what you say, it's the genuine hand-shake glad you are here, welcome, get some coffee, not-overbearing kind of place).  There is no agenda to loving people, whether or not they are a member and come every week or only come once, we just want them to know that they matter to us because they matter to God.  [Ok, done being all preachy and sermon like, sorry I'm a former missionary I can't help it sometimes.]  AGAIN, GRRRRRR.  I do not, repeat, do not want to love this woman, I want to punch her in her I-know-so-much-more-and-am better-than-you condescending face.  I want to call her out on her bullsh*t and laugh when she looks like a tool.  I do not, under any circumstances, want to be kind to her, help her, be friends with her, talk to her, breathe the same air as her, or love her....again, I want to punch. her. in. the. face.  (Honestly people, I am not a violent person, and I'm generally a very even tempered go-with-the-flow kind of gal, but she gets under my nerves like a splinter under my pinky toe).  So yes, I have stumbled and fallen (again) and I will try (well, at least I won't actively try to be a bitch back...it's a starting place right?) to love her.  Honest.

Slight Exaggeration

Yes, this post is a slight exaggeration...but go with me on it.  Some of my co-workers are doing this health-kick challenge thing to loose weight and get healthy.  I however have not jumped on the bandwagon.  I did look at my personal diet and discovered that my diet is slightly imbalanced.   Now I do have other things in my diet as well but these are the main five.  My question to you readers is if you're being honest, what does your personal food pyramid look like?

Big Birthday

Nope, it's not my birthday.  Nor is it any of my peers' birthday.  It was little J's birthday. (Quick refresher for the faithful readers-J loves class, bit a kid on the bus, who M likes and is secretly [or not so secretly] my favorite kid in class.)  Anywho, back on track...so, it was J's seventh birthday and this little boy was just beside himself.  Not only did he turn seven, it was also his helper day.  [Side note: Unlike most of my teaching peers, I can't keep track of 23 kids having different jobs every day so one kid just does it all.  Stuff like running errands, line leader, table washer, etc.]  At the end of the day I was walking him and the other bus riders to the bus area.   

Here is the scene that unfolded:

Me-So J, tell me, how has your birthday been so far?

J-Pretty good, Miss ____.  I got free ice cream at lunch, a cool pencil, and tonight we are going to go to Celebration Station!  Plus, I have no homework 'cuz I did it all last night!

Me-Wow, that does seem pretty good.  Tomorrow morning I want to hear about your presents.

J-K.  But I think I know what I'm getting.  I tolded (yes tolded) Mommy and Daddy about the game (I can't remember the complicated video game name) I want, so I think that's what it will be.  Don't worry, I'll let you know.

Me-Good deal.  So J, tell me...do you feel older?  I mean, yesterday you were only six, but now you're seven.  Do you feel seven?

J-[long pondering pause] Well, I DEFINITELY feel older, but I don't feel seven.

Me-Explain.

J-I...I guess I feel more like twenty-six.  I mean, It's been a big day.

Me-Twenty-six?  Really?

J-Yeah.  I had lots of responsibilities today.  (Counting on fingers) I had to take notes to the office, be the line leader, pick friends to sit with me and Mommy at lunch, pass out cupcakes, take another note to Mrs. ____ classroom.  Then I had to be the judge in silent ball.  I mean, that's a lot of responsibility for just seven, that's why I feel twenty-six today.  Op, there's my bus, see-ya Miss _____!

Me-(Trying to hold in the laugher until he walked away) Bye, J...see you tomorrow morning!

[end scene]

If only that was the responsibility level of being twenty-six.  Here's hoping J's philosophy  comes true in the next year....

Evidence of the same brain

I am convinced that my mom and I must share the same brain.  When we are together we finish each others sentences, add punch lines to the other person's stories and generally think the same way.  Right here is evidence.  She sent me an e-mail yesterday completely unprompted about them coming down to visit.  It's important to note that I hadn't talked with her about their upcoming visit (it's eight days away, but who's counting?)

Here is her e-mail:

Okay, so don't cringe...just the thought of us coming down might be sending shivers down your spine...lol.  Also, don't go crazy trying to clean up or make the lawn "pretty".  Dad and I are coming to see you, our grandpuppy and your roomie...not the house.  Besides, the wind will just blow the freakin leaves all over the place after you rake them anyway.  

Talk to you soon. Love Ma

What she didn't know was that I had an exponentially growing to-do list that had spanned 3 super-sticky post-it notes on the fridge of everything that needed to be cleaned, straighted up, put away, etc.  One word-freaky.

Wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it

I would not have believed this if I didn't see it with my own two eyes today.  I went to Wal-Mart to buy more ink for the printer and on my way through the parking lot I see this mom and her adorable little girl.  She had a mop of curly blonde hair and couldn't have been older than 3.  So while they are walking in front of me the little girl starts edging her way closer to the parked cars while still holding her mom's hand.  As she got really close to one car she stuck her tongue out and tried to lick the bumper.  Yes people, really stretching her tongue out to LICK THE BUMPER.  Now it wasn't just a one time incident, she tried to lick EVERY parked car they passed.  The weirdest part, was that her mother was not phased at all.  She just would pull her in the other direction and say, "Nope-Nope."  Seriously???? Now, I know I don't have kids, so maybe I don't totally understand...but really, your child has a fetish for licking cars (do you like the way it went from just licking cars to a fetish for licking cars?) and all you say is "Nope-Nope." Wtf?  All I can say is i.s.s.u.e.s. and s.p.e.c.i.a.l.

Petty or Valid?

Ok, so this is really bugging me (hence the picture) and I need y'alls input on the situation.  So this girl I went out back the spring, we'll call her L, e-mailed me in the middle of September to see how things were going with work, what I was up to, etc. but I didn't realize this until a week later.  I have 3 e-mail addresses and regularly check 2 of them, the third has been getting a lot of spam crap so I've updated people to let them know to use the other addresses.  Background info on L--We had a mutal friend in common and we had e-mailed and talked for a while before going out, and we discovered that while there was friend-chemistry...that was it.  Anyway, both of us were away for the summer, so while the e-mail surprised me, it was a pleasant surprise.  I emailed her back letting her know how things were going, explained about the weeklong delay in responding, and asked her how her travels were this summer, what she was up to, etc.  Um people...that was the second week in September and she still hasn't responded.  Here's what is bugging me, she e-mailed me, I responded, I e-mailed her...nothing.  Now, if I had contacted her first and she didn't respond, no problem....but don't contact me and then when I contact you ignore me.  

Here's where my faithful (infrequent and first time are welcome too!) readers come in.  Am I being petty or are my feelings valid?  You can be honest, don't worry I won't block you from adding other comments in the future!  I just need to know if I am being all ridiculous or not.  Thanks!

P.S. Fun story from this weekend--I was out with my friends and S was going ape-sh*t about this guy who called her dude earlier today.

[Scene of us standing around in the parking lot]

S-...and then this young guy called out, "Dude...Yo, dude, can you help me out with directions?"  When I realized he was talking to me I helped him but I was mad!

R-Why were you mad?

S-He called me dude...I am not a man!  I even have long hair and was carrying a purse!

Me-No, no, no.  He wasn't calling you "dude" like as in a guy, he was using it colloquially.

[insert crickets]

Me-You know, colloquially...

[insert crickets...again]

Me-Like how y'all is colloquially for everyone in the South....nevermind.  Point is he wasn't calling you a guy, he was trying to get your attention.

S-Wow...

SERIOUSLY?????

Maybe I shouldn't be so perturbed by this, but I am and I will not apologize for it.  On the way to church (yes church irony of ironies) tonight for Bible study I got stuck behind this a-hole who was driving 25 mph in a 35 zone....okay people you can go 40 in a 35....you can even go 35 in a 35....but you cannot, I repeat cannot go 25 in a 35.  On the way home from Bible study I got stuck behind another a-hole who was going 40 (at one point 45 but he put the breaks on as he went down the hill so it doesn't count) in a 50.  WTF????? Was it drive obscenely slow night here in North Carolina?  This is my Achilles' Heel and I go from totally rational and normal to crazed angry northern in .7 seconds.  So, for the record: if you are driving in North Carolina...do not, I repeat do not drive 10 miles under the speed limit or risk having an irate northerner ride behind you blasting their horn the entire way.  I'm just sayin....