Monday, August 31, 2009

What's in your trunk?

On Sunday Girlfriend and I went to buy dog treats/food for both of our pooches who were needing these respective things. I got B a bag of his favorite "Thanksgiving in a bag" treats (turkey, cranberry and oats-what's not to love?) and she got Q a big bag of fancy-schmancy food since it's cheaper at the locally owned independent store in my town than the larger corporate chain by her. I'm not judging her food choice for Q...B eats the same expensive brand-and he ate it first so there. Anyway, I tossed it in the back seat (on top of the dog seat protector of course) because the trunk was full of random stuff. As we went around a corner everything shifted and we heard th-thump-THUMP! Here is the conversation that followed:

Girlfriend: What was that?!?!
Me: What was what?
Girlfriend: That noise just now from the trunk. What do you have back there?
Me: Just the basics-B's travel crate and an emergency car repair/tool kit. Oh, and plywood. That's probably what the last thump was.
Girlfriend: (laughing) Wow.
Me: What?
Girlfriend: (still chuckling) I thought I was gay.
Me: Um, you totally are. AND we have already established that your car is WAY gayer than mine.
Girlfriend: (Ignoring me) Wait, what is the plywood for?
Me: It's the leftover scraps from the plywood and cinderblock bookshelf I made for work.
Me: That didn't help my case at all just now, did it?
Girlfriend: Nope, just made you gayer. I actually think rainbows might be coming out of the tailpipe as we speak.

In conclusion: When trying to argue that you are not a living breathing lesbian stereotype, don't explain why you have plywood in your trunk...especially if it's from a very gay project.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Back to School!

Today was the first day of school. I'm tired so this is going to be short and to the point. School starting means you all get to read fun/interesting/strange stories about the children that are mine for the next 179 days...Lord help us all.

Things I should know after four years of teaching but forget every year:

1) DON'T wear heels for the first time in 3 months and expect your feet to be fine while walking on concrete all day.
2) Make 2 extra copies of everything. You will get new students in the middle of the day and have nothing for them.
3) If you make 2 extra copies, you will get 3 students. However if you make 4 copies you will get no new students.
4) Add an extra 10 minutes of time because you will be late going anywhere.
5) If you actually remember to add an extra 10 minutes you will arrive too early and be stuck outside of the building in 90 degree heat.
6) Plan past the first day.
7) If you plan past the first day you will have to re-do your plans because you didn't get through everything.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


Well it has finally happened. My roommate is moving out towards the end of September and the house in is shambles as she is in the process of packing what is going with her, what is going to Goodwill and what is going in the trash. She and I had been talking about this for a while, and she was considering buying a house but has decided to move to a one bedroom apartment in a complex about 10 minutes away. No, we didn't have a fight or anything but after seven years (don't judge us) it just seems like time. Even though I knew it was coming it's still sad.
Ok, I'm going to level with you-I'm super super sad...about the washer and dryer. They belong to her and will be leaving along with the microwave, all the glasses in the house, and random other things. It's all the the little things that we have each bought over the last seven years that have created an admittedly awkward dynamic (Girlfriend thinks it's weird but whatever) that has worked for us but now we are dividing things as if we are going through some strange and genuinely amicable divorce. Honestly the hardest part really is the washer and you know how expensive those things are?!?!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Spoiled but not rotten

I think we have established that Girlfriend is a lucky woman. Yes, I am also a lucky woman because she puts up with the inadvertent jackass things I occasionally say, but that is neither here nor there. Back to my point-not to sound like a conceited asshole, but I'm a good catch. Seriously-I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I iron said laundry, I make breakfast in bed, I fix things when they break, I pack lunch for work complete with a funny/mushy/silly note depending on my mood, I buy flowers just because, I send you with your favorite chocolates when you have a long trip and I will even be genuinely nice to your homophobic relatives.
In short, I (gladly and willingly) spoil Girlfriend and today is no different. Those of you who follow me on Twitter (or just read the updates in the right hand column here) know that Girlfriend surprised me with an impromptu visit last night and we have a Gaytastic (yes I just made that up because no other word fits) weekend ahead with the NC Gay and Lesbian Film Festival and seeing Amy Ray in concert. It's also our anniversary and that means presents! I'm *slightly* a perfectionist when it comes to wrapping gifts and Girlfriend's present has a LOT of tape on the back and sides. Side note: she laughs whenever I wrap anything because as she says, "I act like it's going to be put through a wind tunnel" and if it is traveling in a car it will have at least two layers of tissue paper, each individually taped before getting to the wrapping paper. Anyway, here is her gift:
What is in the impeccably wrapped box you ask? Well open it up and look inside...

Ok, so the fact that it lays in the box in the shape of a heart is totally cheesy and unplanned. Despite the cheesiness I think she will really like it. It's simplistic, silver and is suitable for wearing with jeans (which is her work attire) or dress pants. I'm off to get eggplant because dinner tonight is eggplant of her favorite dishes :-)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I need this made

You all have seen those super obnoxious "Baby On Board" tags in cars that have less than stellar driving skills. I need one that is slightly different, but would hopefully help explain my driving-specifically turning-skills. My beloved B has some gnarly's really bad people. I've tried all the tricks, not feeding him, taking short trips to help him get use to it, ginger crackers, even certain air fresheners in the car that are supposed to help. Nothing has worked so now I just drug the hell out of him with Dramamine (per vet instructions) but if I take turns too sharp/fast he STILL upchucks everywhere. It is NOT pleasant for anyone involved so I try very hard when he is in the car to take turns slowly, make them as wide as possible, etc. anything to help him keep it down. SO, I decided that I need this in my back window, because maybe then the a**hole behind me would be a little more understanding. I'm not trying to be a world class jerk taking a million hours to do a turn, I just don't want to clean up dog vomit...the graphic makes it perfect don't you think?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Concert Recap

I haven't had internet access since last Thursday (complicated story that's really not interesting at all) but now that I'm back I would like to start by recapping the Coldplay concert I went to with Girlfriend and our two other friends we will call Matchmaker (the chick who set us up in the first place) and Socially Awkward (Matchmaker's on/off/on again girlfriend...the name says it all).

S) If you have never been to a Coldplay concert-GO. It was awesome I had I to make up a word. The entire time the energy was amazing. They even came up to the lawn where we were and performed a few songs. It was seriously one of the best concerts I have been to in quite a while, and that is saying something considering how many concerts Girlfriend and I have been to this summer.

H) If you are sitting on the lawn, you should be able to sit in a "Lawn Chair" and not have them confiscated at the gate for being too tall (Sidenote: this was NOT mentioned anywhere on the website and there were a LOT of angry people taking it out on the poor workers stuck at the guest services tent. If this happens to you, please don't yell at them it's not their fault and they didn't change the rules.) Oh, did I mention that there was a downpour the night before and the ground was soaked? Yeah. That probably didn't help the situation.

O) If somehow you do sneak your "too-tall-for-the-lawn-lawn-chair" in, don't sit in it. We will all talk about you, point, and make up silly songs including, but not limited to-Big Man in a Little Chair; Security Breach; and Big Man in a Little Chair That's Too Tall a.k.a. the remix...we got there early and had some time on our hands. Don't judge us.

W) If you are on the very crowded lawn, do not act like you are in the front row and flail about all willy nilly. If you flail about, do NOT under any circumstances smack into my people. Girlfriend got smacked twice but she didn't tell me the second time because I would have lost it. I was already steaming mad after the first time and she refused to let me do anything about it. Later in the night she told me she wanted to switch spots so she could talk to Matchmaker for a minute. Crazy Flailing Girl later slammed into me with all of her weight and nearly knocked me down. Well readers, my roots came Jersey roots...ending in me cursing a lot, getting up in her face, demanding she move two steps to the left and warning her not to touch me again. I was, shall we say pissed and let her (and everyone in our area) know. Apparently I was quite loud as this became the mantra of Matchmaker and Socially Awkward in the car ride home as they repeated, "Jersey! Two steps! Two steps to the f*cking left!" at the top of their lungs and then dying in laughter. Whatever. She moved and I won. :-)

Concert Conclusion:
Coldplay rules. Lawn chair rules suck. Give me my personal space or I will go ape-shit on your ass.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Oh Snap!

I think we might have covered this before, but just in case: I'm helping Girlfriend bring the phrase "Oh Snap" back. It's a shame it ever left, so while it started with just her, I and several of our friends, have joined in for the comeback. Feel free to reintroduce it to your weekly (daily might be a bit excessive) vernacular. It takes a village to make a phrase people, it takes a village...ANYHOO some shameless self-promotion of my first post over at Grace the Spot. Check it out if you are so inclined and feel free to comment-agree, disagree, I was trying to think of a third choice but I'm not sure there is one so you are being forced to make a choice...I guess not commenting would be the third choice but that's lame.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Shopping and Semantics

I hate shopping for clothes. I know, you are shocked. I hate everything about it, except having something new in my closet. If there was a way for things to just appear in my closet for me to wear without having to go to the store, try things on, etc. I would be all about it. I hate shopping for several reasons 1) it takes too long 2) I can never find what I want 3) they never carry things in my size. I know #3 sounds like ridiculous complaining, but it really is a problem when you wear size extra small and size 0-regular length and sometimes those are too big and need to be tailored.
Despite all of this, I went shopping yesterday in search of a new pair of black shoes for work, a new pair of gray, black and dark brown pants for work, and possibly a few new shirts for work. FOUR HOURS LATER I came home with no shoes, 1 pair of gray dress pants, 1 pair of casual tan pants, and 4 t-shirts....I was not happy. I talked with girlfriend and here is the conversation that occurred:

Me: I just can't find the shirts I want.
Girlfriend: What are you looking for?
Me: Nothing crazy just plain, button down shirts. They don't have to be solid colors, just button down shirts.
Girlfriend: Everyone carries button down shirts!
Me: Nu-uh. Not in size extra small! AND if they do carry them, they are missing a button-what the hell is that about? They have all the buttons in the larger sizes, but what they have in extra small are always missing a button.
Girlfriend: Missing a button? What are you talking about?
Me: You know, where there is a collar button, then it's MISSING a button, then the rest of the buttons are were they are supposed to be. I don't like that. I want my shirts to come with all of the buttons where they should be.
Girlfriend: (laughing)
Me: What?
Girlfriend: They aren't missing a button. They are women's style and cut dress shirts.
Me: Oh. Well I don't like that.
Girlfriend: (still laughing) Good luck babe.

In conclusion: