Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Some things I will never understand...

Yesterday Girlfriend and I sent out our "Save the Dates" for our upcoming wedding. Normally the mail here takes forever and a year but by some miracle everyone who lives in NC and is invited received their magnet today (awesome!) resulting in several happy texts/e-mails...and several hateful ones all from the same person.
Girlfriend said not to invite them, said they wouldn't come, said she knew for sure. She said, she said, she said. I didn't listen or believe her. I argued and guilted her into changing her mind. I made her invite them out of principle, out of respect, out of well...the right damn thing to do. I knew she was wrong. I knew they would change their mind. I knew they just needed some time after hearing the news. I knew, I knew, I knew. I was wrong.
Who sent her hateful messages? Who said she was enough of an embarrassment to the extended family already? Who said they had over 20 reasons why they couldn't attend? Who pleaded with her to call the wedding off? Who said she/we are making a huge mistake? Who said it was a terrible idea? Who would be so hurtful and hateful? Her father.
I simply cannot understand how a parent can be so hateful. My parents are ALL about this wedding. They are excited, telling their friends, wanting to be involved, and support our marriage-are mad that our license isn't valid in our home state and want us to move to where it would be recognized. Even if my parents didn't support our wedding and marriage, or even if they didn't love Girlfriend-they would be at my wedding. They would be there and they would keep their mouth's shut. They would be there because I. am. their. kid. Girlfriend's dad and I have politely gone toe-to-toe in the past. We have very different opinions on most things and while we have disagreed I at least respected him in his wrongness. However his texts were completely out of line and I will NEVER understand how a parent could ever turn their back on their child. He has one daughter (and a son) who is having her one wedding and he sent her HATEFUL text messages. She tried to act like it didn't bother her, like she wasn't surprised or hurt...but her eyes told a different story. I burst into tears apologizing for making her invite them, promising to listen to her about them in the future, and felt just awful. She just looked and me, shrugged her shoulders, and said, "I'm not surprised." It pained me to have her not be surprised at the things he said. I was more than surprised, I was SHOCKED. I mean, her dad has said mean things in the past but NOTHING compared to these texts. One thing he did get right was recognizing that their decision to not come (or rather their inability since they can't attend) will affect their future relationship and decisions. DAMN RIGHT. I will be making DAMN sure to call her my fiance and wife in his presence, to have our wedding pictures out in plain sight for them to see if they ever come to our home. I am always very polite and respectful to him, and I will continue to be since that's just how I was raised, but tonight I lost all respect for him.


Mel's Way or No Way said...

How sad for both of you. I hope the two of you can focus on the happiness and don't let her father ruin your good feelings about your wedding. Don't let the hater win! :)

crystal said...

Im so sorry that you guys had to be faced with this bigotry from someone who should just be happy for your happiness! Its really truly not fair.
I do love how you are dealing with it though, don't back down, stand up for your relationship! I know there are ways to do this respectfully, but with still getting your point across. And in my mind, that is the higher road! Kudos for taking it :)

Erin said...

=( I wish I could give both of you a hug! She has your family now too though. Silver lining!

Rachelle said...


I completely relate to your blog!
I had the exact same thing with my dad recently and it is so hard to deal with. I am in the same position as your wife. and its so hard having the wrath of a parent.
I hope you enjoy the wedding with the people that love you and that is what we are going to do.


Rachelle said...

I enjoyed your post it made me realize that I am not the only lesbian getting married going through this.
I had the exact same nasty conversation with my dad. it was hurtful and nasty and right now him and I cannot be friends.

we wonder what happened to unconditional love. the only person interested in my wedding is my brother.

I am in South Africa and gay marriage is legal. we are so lucky over here.

dont let their bigotry ruin your happy day, focus on why you are getting married as this is exactly what we will be doing.

good luck