Drowning in the downpour...

Disclaimer: This is a long post with lots of depressing/sad information. There is no sarcasm, wit, or sillyness. I am sorry for this but that's just not where I am right now.

I haven't wanted to talk about all of this because it's a lot of downers (and that's really not what my blog is about) and it's a little too personal to put out there, except that I have no other options. On Sunday morning I got a call from my mom that I was dreading. As soon as I saw her name pop up I knew why she was calling and burst into tears. My grandma was on a ventilator in the hospital and passed away that morning. She was fine a week ago and even took the grandkids and great-grandkids into the city for a day trip. She was a amazing woman with more courage, love, compassion and strength than anyone else I've known. What's even more is that she didn't have to be my grandma, she was my god-father's wife's mother. (follow that train?) When I was a little girl my dad's mother said some very hateful things to me and essentially banished me from her life (all are her issues that I worked out in years of therapy but that is a WHOLE different topic that I am totally over). When my grandma found out about what happened she pulled me aside and said, "I will always love you. I will always be your grandma. Don't let anyone ever try to tell you differently." She didn't have to be my grandparent, but chose that role for her and her husband. She attended every grandparent celebration at school, and treated me just like all the other grandkids, punishing my god-brothers' cousin who said I wasn't family. When my god-father was killed in an accident she kept the family together and running. When I got sick several years ago she sat with my parents in the hospital waiting room after everyone else left. She was an amazing woman and today is her funeral. I am 525 miles away. It's not that I don't want to be there, logistically I simply can't. I can't afford a plane ticket, I wouldn't have been able to drive there in time, and it just was not possible to go. Needless to say I am a wreck this week.

Add to that that Girlfriend and I are in a rough place right now. We're both struggling with things right now (different issues for each of us) and it's really hard right now. We've been together for almost a year and she's having some financial problems that I've recently learned a lot more about. Her dad is going to pay off her debt and she is going to pay him interest free which is awesome. He wants her to move back in with him so he can help her out. Now before I go further, her dad and I are cordial. We're polite to each other and can keep a conversation going for a little bit, but please don't leave us to ourselves for more than thirty minutes as awkward silence will be inevitable. With that said, let's be real-he is an overbearing, I'm-always-right, do-it-my-way-or-you'll-never-hear-the-end-of-it man who has more than once thought she was "being gay to get back at him." He even lied to her grandparents about Thanksgiving and said she was with other relatives and not me (they all know she's gay) but that is a totally different issue too. She lived with him for a little while and hated every moment of it because he controlled everything and she always felt like she was doing something wrong and had no freedom. I being me, tried to fix this and I offered her an alternative: move in with me. Guess what she picked? Here's a hint, it's not living with me. I'm trying to be understanding (there is a lot more to it than her just saying no-in a nutshell her partner of six years left one morning for work and never came back, leaving her a "Dear John" letter on the kitchen counter so she has fears of moving in) but it's really hard. I feel like I need to be careful about what I say to her right now because I don't want to make her feel guilty or bad about choosing to move back in with her dad, which is putting me in a hard spot. Clearly I can't talk to her about it right now and my best friend (former roommate) is away visiting her and her boyfriend's family for the holidays.

Top it all off with the fact that I am having some health problems that I'm now starting to get really worried about. Way back in October I got the flu, remember that? Well at the same time as I got the flu my period started and was really really bad for a couple of hours then was gone. Since it stopped abruptly I went to the doctor because that was not normal. They told me that I was fine and it was probably just because of the flu and not to worry. So I didn't. It's essentially January-I still have not had my period again yet I get all the symptoms and pain. I didn't go back to the doctor because I just kept assuming that it would come and I would get back on my schedule. It's going on almost four months now and I'm going to go to a different doctor to hopefully get some answers.

So if we put it all together this makes me one gigantic mess of a person who feels like crap all around. To make it worse I can't really talk to anyone about it because my family is obviously a mess, my best friend is away and Girlfriend is dealing with her own issues. B is tired of listening to me but has been very loving while I've been crying on the couch since Sunday. If you made it this far, thank you for listening. I promise to get back to my sarcastic, witty, silly self as soon a possible but right now I'm just drowning in the downpour...

It must be love...

Girlfriend asked for cinnamon rolls for breakfast so cinnamon rolls I deliver. She does not have any food allergies so I could have just ran to the grocery store and picked up some pre-made rolls but then I can't have them and that would just make Sunday brunch suck. Instead I busted out my cookbook and made them from scratch. I started all the prep-work around 4:15...it's currently 7:25 and I just took them out of the oven. Now, granted they did proof for an hour and a half, but still-if that isn't love I don't know what is. In case you are wondering I've made them today because the idea of getting up at 6am to mix the flour, let it rise for an hour and a half, bake them and make cream cheese icing was simply not appealing. What is appealing is making everything tonight, reheating them in the oven tomorrow morning and seeing a huge smile on her face. (sorry, that last part was uber-vomit inducing). Happy weekend!

Confirming the obvious (Updated)

If this isn't the best Christmas gift on a budget, I don't know what is...vacation memories, her animals and her favorite college sports team all wrapped up in one useful gift that she actually needs. Yup, I just gave myself a pat on the back for this one :-)

Update: Girlfriend loved her gift and got all teary-eyed. Success!

Sick Kitty :-(

Last night we had to rush Girlfriend's kitty L to the emergency vet. He was throwing up for about 3 hours and just wasn't acting like his usual self. The last time he threw up it was all pink and orange which prompted us to thrown on jackets, put him in the carrier and race to the vet. L normally puts up a HUGE fight and hides when we even THINK about getting the carrier out. Last night he just stayed still, let us pick him up and he walked into the carrier...something was definitely wrong. The vet did an exam and took x-rays while we waited anxiously. The x-rays came back fine and the vet thinks he probably ate something that didn't sit well and the pink/orange color was probably from him vomiting so much that he irritated his stomach. I was supposed to have Sears come and re-balance my washer/dryer today but I called them and they are now coming next week. Today I am sitting at Girlfriend's place monitoring L and making sure he doesn't get sick again. Apparently everyone is getting in on the sleepy act today from all the excitement last night:I'd like to end this downer of a post on two funny stories. The first comes from when we were waiting at the vet for x-ray results:

Me: (looking down at our shirts) Oh man.

Girlfriend:What?

Me: Look at us, we're all matchy-matchy. I hate when we're all matchy-matchy. It's really gay.

(I was wearing a solid green shirt, Girlfriend was wearing a green striped sweater and both of us were in similar shaded jeans)

Girlfriend: That's really gay? How about the fact that we are sitting in a vet's exam room late at night with a sick cat. THAT'S really gay.

Me: (laughing) True but the clothes are not helping.

Texts back and forth when Girlfriend was at work. L had thrown up all over the bed and I wanted to check that the sheets on top of the dryer were clean before I put them and washed the dark gray sheets that he threw up all over.

Girlfriend: Yes. Re-read the text you just sent me...

previous text [Are the light gay sheets on the dryer clean? L just got sick.]

Me: Hahahaha, well at least you knew what I meant!

Girlfriend: You of all people should know there is nothing light about my gay.

Thine name is Awesome

Girlfriend put us on a budget of twenty dollars for Christmas. This would have been awesome except that I already had a working list of ideas of things I could get her, none of which were under the $20 limit. I am not a generic gift giver (see Girlfriend's birthday last year) and it was KILLING me to give her some random, non-special, run of the mill $20 gift. I went as far as calling my mom for help and her non-helpful statement was, "Sorry kid, sounds like you're screwed." Needless to say my attitude was in the crapper and I was beginning to seriously stress about this. That is until today when I was getting Christmas cards and random stuff at Target. I saw this and the lightbulb inside my little head sparked!

The wheels started turning, the ideas started flowing and my excitement because uncontainable. Girlfriend is totally getting a new travel mug (which she needs) BUT it is going to have several custom hand-made inserts of the animals (individually and collectively), our trip to Hawaii and all things saxophone. Who's awesome? That would be me. I was so excited at Target that I high-fived myself (don't judge) and called my mom (who agreed that yes, I am awesome) because I was too proud to keep this to myself. Oh, and I got Girlfriend's mom a gift certificate for a massage. Yes you are correct, I did just get more awesome.

Hawaii 101

Girlfriend and I just got back from a week in Hawaii (hard life I know) and while we were there I kept a running list of things I felt you should know because as you know, I love lists. Here are my observations for you, listed as we noticed them throughout the week:

1. Sand.

I've been to the beach on several states on the Atlantic coast and at every beach the sand has been small fine grains that attach to your skin and stay for eons. Not so much in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Girlfriend put it best when she looked at me while laying on the beach and said, "I feel like we are laying in really clean kitty litter." At first I thought she was kidding but she was right (as usual).

2. Pigeons.

Pigeons are everywhere. In the middle of the Pacific Ocean there is an abundance of pigeons. they are freakishly allowed everywhere as well. I've always considered pigeons to be flying rats and was less than thrilled that they were just walking around, hanging out in restaurants...and no one else seemed to care. How is that not a health issue? I mean there they were stalking my food, flapping around, and yet no one was bothered by this. This is Roger by the way, he sat with us while we ate ice cream.

3. Rainbows.

Rainbows are the staple of our community identity. Not so much in Hawaii. As Girlfriend said in exasperation, "Freakin' rainbow misdirection!" after we chatted with two hot surfer girls we thought were family. Nope. Just Hawaiian. Even the buses mess with your head. You're not getting on The Gay Bus, just The Bus.

4. Cockroaches.

While hiking Diamond Head Crater we saw several cockroaches. How did they get to the top of a volcanic crater in the middle of the ocean? They truly are everywhere and will outlive everything else.

5. Cacti.

I've not considered Hawaii to be a desert, and in my mind cacti only grow in deserts. Yet, there they were chillin on the side of rocks all over. Please enlighten me about this because all I've ever learned in school was that cacti grow in deserts. I'm confused...

6. Ya.

"Ya" is the Hawaiian equivalent to the Canadian "Eh?" Girlfriend and I started using towards each other, as it is an awesome way to end a sentence, ya.

7. Pretty.

No matter how many times you pass places you will repeatedly said, "Wow, it's so pretty!" The whole freaking place looks like one giant postcard making me reach out and touch plants to make sure they were really real and not fake.