Surprisingly Shocked

Ok, I know that my blogger name is The Surprise Dyke (or TSD to my people) so nothing about this story should shock me or you...but it did...so I must share.

On Saturday night I went to a surprise party for one of my friends (we will call her Birthday Girl).  She had told her girlfriend in a random conversation that she never went to her prom, so we threw her a prom complete with everyone being dressed up, her high school mascot on a sign, a picture taking area (complete with a backdrop, camera on a tripod and decorations), music from the year she graduated, etc.  It was super fun, super gay and super hilarious.

I decided that since I always wore a dress to proms that I went to, that I would wear a suit.  I even bought a new tie for the occasion.  I starched and ironed a white dress shirt, shined my shoes, flat ironed my hair, did my makeup, etc.  I was dressed to the nine people, to the nine.

At the party I met some people who are "family" that I have never met before who live in our little community.  I bonded with the butch one (we will call her K) while we moved cars down the street, hung decorations and re-tied ties for others who needed them fixed.  Half-Windsor anyone?  Four-in-Hand?

After the party we all changed (because I was NOT wearing a suit and tie out and neither was anyone else) went out to the gay bar and continued to party there until early in the morning.  Apparently at the bar K went up to Birthday Girl and asked her, "Is she gay?"  To which Birthday Girl could not stop laughing and replied, "Has she talked yet?  Don't let the hair and makeup fool you, she totally butch."  I don't necessarily agree, but if labeling me makes you comfortable go for it.

Later on K and I were talking about her girlfriends kid, buying houses, etc. and I mentioned my roommate.  Here is the conversation that followed:

K: Oh, how long have you lived together?

Me: About six years, we lived together in the dorms for two years and then moved to a townhouse with another girl who moved away, then I bought a house and she moved with me.

K: (pointing to my ring) Are you two married? 

Me: (realizing the misunderstanding) OH GOD NO!  She's straight and like a sister.  (shutter) That's gross.  No, there is nothing going on there, never has, never will.

K: Wait.  You live with a straight girl?

Me: Yup.

K: Birthday Girl!  It's because she lives with a straight girl, that's why I couldn't tell!

Me: (utterly confused) Um...ok.

Really?  I wore a suit a tie to the party, helped you move cars, am at the gay bar and you don't know I'm gay?  I guess living with a straight girl is like a gay invisibility cloak.  The gays can't see me because I act/look too straight-whatever that means.  I told my roommate and she didn't get it either.  I wanted to post this earlier in the week but I was (and am) still trying to wrap my brain around it.  Maybe you all can help if you have ever been the K in a situation like this one.

To E or not to E...that is the question

The school where I work has a marquis outside like most schools do.  We post the same message on both sides so parents can see the same information regardless of how they drive to school.

Here was our sign...

If you saw the difference you are better than ALL of the employees at our school.  For almost a week, YES A WEEK this has been on our marquis.  Not only did no staff members catch it (until today) but no parents called either.  

This brings up several questions that need to be answered:

1) Does anyone actually read at the marquis?

2) What the hell were the parents thinking when they read Friday is Hate Day?

3) Who the f*ck works at out school and doesn't know to spell the same thing twice???  They are f*cking CVC and CVCe words...not difficult people, not difficult.

4) Does someone at our school have a sick sense of humor?  If so, who are they and why am I not friends with them?

It's not funny.  Really it's not.  It's hilarious.  I could not stop laughing inappropriately all day today...come on...an elementary school with a major error on the sign and NO ONE noticed. Not one of the 75+ staff members, not one parent of our 600+ students, not one person who came to visit...yup, still funny.  When a co-worker noticed it today here was her message to the office (equally funny as I heard her on the intercom next door.)

Coworker-Hi, this is Miss ______....I was wondering about the sign outside.

Office-Um ok.  What about it?

Co-worker: Did you know it says Friday is hate day?

Office: Yes, Friday is hat day.

Co-worker: Right, but the left side says Friday is HATE day, not HAT day.  Is that an error or did I miss a memo?

Office: (silence) We will get back to you.

[Seriously, they had to get back to her...f*cking hilarious/scary.]

Office: (laughing) Oops.  No, it's not hate day, just hat day.  But you can hate us for letting them wear hats all day.  We're changing it right now.

Co-worker: Alright, thanks!

Happy Weekend to Me

I know it's not the weekend, but my weekend was so awesome that I don't mind reliving it for your reading pleasure. Now before you get your hopes up, no...this is not some late sappy Valentine's Day post. It's a I-had-a-nothing-out-of-the-ordinary-but-still-awesome-weekend-post complete with pictures.

It started on Saturday when I got to sleep in (Woot!Woot!) and my head found the perfect, and I mean PERFECT spot in the pillow. It was so amazing that for once, I didn't make my bed in the hopes that my head would be able to re-find the spot (no such luck).

Can you see the head divot? Yes, I really took a picture to remember the perfect pillow shape/spot.

It then continued when I bought myself flowers. No reason in particular, I like flowers and these spoke to me. Not in a crazy the-flowers-have-voices kind of way, they spoke to my soul.

I dig them. Hopefully you can see why they spoke to my soul too.

On Sunday I made my favorite breakfast. Pancakes. Not just any pancakes, chocolate chip pancakes. I made them from scratch and they were even more delicious than they look.

Here's hoping the rest of the week is as great as my weekend...obviously it has a lot to live up to. Happy Monday y'all!

Pavlovian Response

I might have already posted about this, but oh well-welcome to my world of repetition, which is actually very fitting if I have posted about this already.  I'm too lazy to look back through all of my old posts so you all can just experience it with me today!  

Let me preface that I love this student.  He is one of the sweetest little boys you will ever meet, has a heart of gold, and tries so hard to get it...but never does.  Language is a major issue and I work with him one on one every day showing him the short vowels and practicing basic math facts.  I care deeply about him, enjoy having him in class, and don't mind taking extra time and effort to help him succeed.  

Now that that is done I can get to the story without feeling like a total ass.  My students have recess 3 days a week (PE the other two days) and with this one child it is the same routine EVERY FUCKING WEEK.  I swear it's a Pavlovian response.  We go outside, we MUST ask our teacher the same DAMN questions every time in the SAME order, being surprised at the SAME answer...that is until this week.

Every recess day the conversation went like this:

A-Miss ____, you have husband?

Me-No.  No husband.

A-Why you no married?

Me- Because I'm not.  Why does it matter?

A-You no want to be married?

Me-Why do I have to be married?

A-You grown.  Need to have husband.  Have babies.  You have kids Miss ______?

Me-I have over 20 kids, I love them very much.

A-20!  Wait, that's us!  We no count.  Why you no married or have kids?

Me-One day I will get married and have kids, okay?  You go play.

Today however, I had some fun at his limited English expense.  I was tired of giving the same answers since AUGUST and honestly just frustrated with state laws and seeing them hurt the people around me.  The conversation went a little different than usual...

A-Miss ____, you have husband?

Me-No.  No husband.

A-Why you no married?

Me- Because the state legislature believes they have the right to determine who I am allowed to have a relationship deemed worthy of protection-even though I pay my taxes and am a law abiding citizen-solely based on gender.

A-Um. I go play.

Me-Ok, have fun.

Oh, and Happy Valentimes Day...with an m because it only comes one time a year.  A student emphatically told me that today and I thought I should pass it on for your reading pleasure :-)

Your kid might be terrific

Today I was driving to work and this jerk would not let me get over.  They knew I had my turn signal on, I slowed down-they slowed down, I sped up-they sped up, pretty much being a world-class jackass.  Finally they got tired of their game (as I nearly missed my exit-which they also took but in the opposite direction) and they had this bumper sticker on their car:

I'm certain you've seen these obnoxious bumper stickers around town, or at least some variation of it.  Call me cynical, call me cold hearted, but doesn't it seem like the biggest jackasses on the road have these stickers?  It's almost like they have an excuse to be a tool if they make a self-proclaimed statement (that is not at all bias) that their kid is terrific.  

Odds are, their child is not terrific, their child is probably a pain in the ass.  Generally, kids imitate their parents, so despite the bumper sticker (which I have TONS of issues with) the kid will make your day horrible, scream in the grocery store and throw a fit in a restaurant.  Only to have the parent ignore it and do nothing as if their baby is a perfect angel and God's gift to the world. 

I think a more appropriate and accurate bumper sticker should read:

Don't get me wrong, you should encourage your children, build a healthy self-esteem, but really-modeling it is much more effective then a bumper sticker.

Sappy Post

I'm having a sappy moment.  Maybe it's because there is a puppy who snuggled up next to me and fell asleep on my knee, maybe it's because it has snowed the last two days, or maybe it's because it's that time of the month.  I don't really know.  All I know is I am having a sappy evening and I therefore you get a sappy blog post.  So, here we go....

I love the constellation Orion.  I do.  I love it.  This is not just a surface level, "Oh, that's a nice constellation up there in the sky" quick passing moment.  Anytime I get out of my car at night I am compelled to look for it.  It goes as deep as wanting my future child to have the middle name Orion (first name would just be mean).  There is something comforting to me about this constellation.  It is the first one I find (truth be told it's the ONLY one I can find) and in some weird cosmic way, is bring me reassurance and comfort.  Reassurance that everything will be okay, that things will balance out, and a reminder that God is much bigger and in control.  (I warned you it was sappy tonight)  When life is hard, work is overwhelming, bills are too big, and/or things feel out of control-Orion is my constant reminder from God that I am not that important and to look outside of my little bubble.  Now I love winter, but sometimes I feel like all the winter clouds are in cahoots to cheat me out of my nightly ritual.  I'm just saying, clouds-we are going to have it out if this keeps up (because the clouds read my blog).  So yeah, that's all I felt like sharing tonight.  I love the constellation Orion...and my puppy who is now awake and demanding to be showered with love and attention after his nap.  

So in conclusion, if years down the road you meet a little boy who tells you his middle name is Orion, he would belong to me.  You will think to yourself, "Self, (cuz that's how I address myself in an introspective conversation) what a strange middle name for a kid."  No worries, he will have great self-confidence about it.  And I'm sure a long-winded story about nothing (if he's anything like his mom) to entertain you with.

My Favorite Holiday

My absolute, all time favorite holiday was today.  Groundhog Day-I love it for many reasons, but here are the top three for your reading pleasure.

Top 3 reasons Groundhog Day rocks:

1) A rodent is in charge of deciding the future.  In all other situations this rodent would be attacked with a pellet gun, today he is a meteorologist.

2) Not over-commercialized.  Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Halloween-all have been taken over by Hallmark, but Groundhog Day remains a grassroots (pun intended) holiday.  Have you ever tried to find a card?  Don't ask the people at the Hallmark store, they WILL laugh at you.

3) Americans will find any excuse to party.  Winter blues got you down?  Phil is here to celebrate!  Don't believe me, check out the video clips.

I go willingly

I know that many of you will want to send me to time out for this, but don't worry...I will go willingly.  Brace yourself......I don't care about the Super Bowl tonight.  

I know, I know it's shocking.  A gay chick who would rather watch ANYTHING else, has this ever happened before?  I've been invited to a Super Bowl party but the thought of having to act like I'm interested for HOURS is more than I can handle.  On this I am your typical chick, send me to the kitchen and let me eat dip, but please, please, please don't make me act like I know (or care) what is going on.  If there was a way to collect all the commercials and put them together, without the game interupting-I'd be all about it.  But no, if I want to see the commercials I have to sit through the game.  

So tonight I will be at home (not at the aformentioned party) making homework assignments, grading papers and doing laudry-focusing soley on the commercials until I get too tired and go to bed.  OH!  Who else is less than thrilled that the game is so late this year?  I know it's because it's on the west coast, but still...I have to be up at 5:30....a game that lasts too long and doesn't start until 6...I'd never make it even if I was interested.  So yes, I'm being a bad homo....off to my timeout chair.