Everything goes as planned-my hairdresser does her thing, cutting, styling, etc. and I go home to mess with it some more to decide if I like it (not that it really matters because, really, what can you do?) and I had a moment when looking in the mirror and thought, "What the f*uck, my hair looks really gay!" Worst part of my reaction, is that I have no idea what I meant by it-but I meant it. As I was messing with it I was trying to decide if it was the haircut, my clothes, or just me. I was wearing a green polo (duh it was St. Patrick's Day) with a white long sleeve tee under it, and dark wash jeans. It didn't help me that after I took a shower I put on an A-cut and sweatpants while blow drying it...yeah, that didn't help me feel better. Last night, it still looked gay, even after I flat ironed the hell out of it. Today was better. I put some product in it, styled it a little differently, and did my makeup. The combination made my hair looked less gay...whatever that means.
Really though, after taking some time to process (yes I took time to process, and was worried that my HAIR was gay) and it came back to an incident on the playground yesterday. I'm not out at work, because I like my job, and honestly I don't talk about my personal life very much because it's not relevant. One of my co-workers and I were on the playground with our kids and here is a snip-it of our conversation:
Co-worker: Any potential boyfriend on your end?
Me: Um, no...no boyfriend.
Co-worker: Is there anyone that you are interested in? Or are you interested in being set up with a guy I know?
Me: Um, no thanks to the set up. That's not really my thing.
Co-worker: Okay, well let me know if you change your mind, he's a great guy.
It was awkward. But I'm pretty sure it was only awkward for me. Everything inside of me wanted to say, "To be specific, guys aren't my thing." but knew that wasn't exactly an option. So instead I played the pronoun game (which I HATE) and changed the subject. Any other situation and I would have said, "Actually I'm seeing this girl who is absolutely amazing" without a second thought, but at work it's just different.
So the playground thing was still in my head when I got my hair did, which made me all stressed about my hair looking gay, which led to processing it out on the phone-to the girl I am seeing (she thought it was funny and said that no, it's just me that's really gay), which led to me realizing I hate not being out at work...and I like my haircut.