Hell Week

I am smack dab in the middle of hell week. End of Grade (EOG) testing is upon me and I am loosing it. If these kids f*cking mis-bubble their sheets again tomorrow I might loose what is left of my sanity. Read the number, find the number, bubble the same letter. HOW F*CKING HARD IS THAT?!?!?! We've been doing it since f*cking August and these children are looking at me like they've never seen a bubble sheet before. This is our future people. The same ones who can't find and bubble the letter C will make decisions for us when we are old and decrepit. Be afraid. Be very very afraid.

Kid-isms

Another student quote that you just can't make up....

Location-Car circle

People-kindergarden boy and me

Me: Where's your sister today?

Kindergartner: She's at home. She still has her ear infucktion.

Me: I'm sorry, what?

Kindergartner: An ear infucktion. It makes her ear hurts real bad.

Me: (trying to control laughter) Oh no! Well tell her I hope she feels better soon!

Now you KNOW that kid has said "ear infucktion" several times today. You better believe I repeated the story to any and every staff member that would listen. :-)

They called it mean; I called it funny

I played an April Fool's joke on my kids today. They LOVE word searches and today I gave them one to work on that was all about animals. The room was stone silent for over 15 minutes with an occasional huff or puff because they were having great difficulty finding words. After about twenty-five minutes I told them to clean off their desks and line up for PE. As they lined up they were complaining, "It's way too hard Miss _____!" and "I can't find ANY words!" and "Please give us a hint!" to which I responded, "You've had a lot of trouble with it? The words are right there at the bottom. Oh yeah, that reminds me-April Fools." Moans and groans ensued. I giggled.

They called it mean; I called it funny.

Can you figure it out?

Take a look at this drawing. Can you figure out what it is?

It's a beaver car. Seriously. I couldn't make this sh*t up if I tried. Two students were working diligently during free time and called me over to show me their masterpiece. When I asked them to "tell me about their drawing" this is what I learned. I've labeled things for your convenience and my entertainment.

Again, I couldn't have made this up. It's me driving a beaver car with B riding shotgun. A lookout window, you know for when you need a better view, and the two students who made it coming along for the ride. It's moments like this that I love my job :-)

Kids are weird

If you have been a reader for a while, you know from my stories that kids are weird. Today was no exception.

[During math...you know, with teaching and stuff going on]

Student: (raises hand) Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be inside a Snickers bar?

P.S.-I've never been this glad to be able to share a "kids are weird" story and to be back at work!

Back, back, back to school!

I'm sure if you've been following the special edition of "Ramblings of the surprise dyke trapped indoors and loosing her sanity" you will be able to fully appreciate how excited I was to go back today. Even better were my students who WANTED to be there-it was awesome. What was NOT awesome was that some of them lost their sanity and acted a damn fool requiring me to give several monologues about expectations. While some may have acted a damn fool at least they were listening:

Location: Cafeteria

Offense: jumping in seats and general damn foolishness

Perpetrators: Student 1 and Student 2

Me: I KNOW you know why I am standing here. Correct?

Students 1&2: (looking at the floor) Yes ma'am.

Me: Then tell me, why did I walk across the cafeteria, leave my delicious lunch that is now getting cold, and come to your table?

Student 1: Well, see what ha'happened-

Student 2:-Don't even try that she SAW us stupid.

Me: Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm standing right here!!!

Student 2: Sorry Miss _____. Sorry Student 1.

Student 1: It's cool. (looking at me) We've got ourselves under control. (nodding) Promise.

Me: Are you certain? Because if I have to come over here again...

Student 1: No, no, no that won't be necessary. We know better than to be THAT class in the cafeteria. After our routine was interrupted we lost control of our minds and self control for a minute. Trust us, we've found our brains.

Me: THAT class? What is THAT class?

Student 2: Mtttz. You know who we're talking about Miss ___. The one where you look and say, 'Can you believe THAT class acting a fool!?!?' We know better than to embarrass you like that 'cuz you will call our moms and embarrass us.

Student 1: Nu-uh!

Student 2: Chu-huh! She totally called my mom last year when I acted a fool in the cafeteria. AND she made me tell my mom what I did on the phone. It was bad man. Trust me, you don't want that to happen.

Student 1: Man.

Student 2: Seriously. Miss ____ don't play.

Me: And neither should you. Finish eating you only have five minutes left.

Students: Five minutes!

Me: Yup. That's what happens when you loose your minds and self control. I'm going back to my lunch which better not be cold or I'm giving you the long distance stink eye.

Students: (giggling)

I couldn't have made this up if I tried

It must be because today was our last required day of work for the week but my co-workers were in RARE form after all the children left. After car duty I was hanging out with several of my co-workers when the conversation took a very strange and (un)fortunate twist. I would like to share random excerpts with you. No, I am not going to give you context because isolation makes them more awesome. In case you are wondering yes-I totally sent all of these to Girlfriend AS THEY WERE BEING SAID. Enjoy!!!

"I wasn't fully sure about this but I thought, as long as she's cute like (insert another co-worker's name here) I'll be ok, you know? I'm all about being open to new things and stuff."

"And then Big Barb walked in! Lord knows I love the lesbians but REALLY did she have to be so butch!?!? And scary?"

"And some women have big fingers, no one prepared me for this."

"My vagina was scared. It was traumatic."

"I know she stopped listening to me because when I was done all my mom said on the phone was, 'You shave your twat?' I mean she totally missed the trauma I went through!"

"I watched a woman put her whole hand up my wife's vagina. My two fingers don't seem impressive anymore."

You're welcome readers :-)

Stupid Ass Science Fair

Tonight I am a little punchy. This week has been all testing all the time at work which makes for five days that suck ass. On top of that we have off Monday (awesome!) but our science fair projects are due on Tuesday morning (total bullshit!) Guess who hasn't started a project with her class yet?!?! Guess who doesn't really give a shit about science fair?!?! I'm sorry but it is WAY more important to me that my kids were prepared for the tests this week than having a stupid project board done-which by the way they don't really do. My assistant is putting it together after school tomorrow. I googled "Science Fair projects in 24 hours" yesterday when I realized that I was shit out of time and came up with one where you test how much liquid is in different types of fruits. My students and I weighted oranges, apples and bananas in class today and made predictions about what percent would be liquid. Tonight as you can see "we" are finishing the experiment and collecting "our" data in the morning. So basically I am doing MY science fair project tonight (like all great procrastinators) and would like to factor in an additional variable to our data...alcohol. I am definitely drinking while doing this and make no apologies about it. I've dried the oranges and apples already and they are doing well but the bananas are a different story. Here's hoping I don't fuck this up in the eleventh hour...

Phrase of the year

My assistant principal (AP) at work often says random shit that no one really understands, and frankly doesn't really care to understand. To be honest he is a little bit of an oafish man who bumbles around looking like a lost overgrown kindergartner who can't find their classroom and is scared to ask for help and so resorts to walking around aimlessly. He has the best of intentions but is also a man who is just DYING to have someone listen to him talk, so if you ask him a question be prepared for a 20 minute speech where he answers it, states your question a different way, and re-answers it (sometimes with something different which contradicts his first response), needless to say he's um, interesting. One thing that he says often and has caught on with the staff is, "I'm calling shenanigans!" When he first said it, his intention was to state, "I don't believe you!" but our staff has taken his phrase and given it a life (and meaning) of its own. Which in a job/world surrounded by children translates to, "This is bullsh*t!" or "You are full of bullsh*t right now!"

Here is a perfect example of its usage: In my evaluation (already, smooth move right?) I say to my AP-And another thing, I'd like to talk about those markers they provide. They die after about week, leave black marks all over and stink. It's total shenanigans! Thankfully he laughed, agreed and gave me an even better report for being "passionate."

We use it often, we use it about each other and parents and best of all today in class I heard one of my little darlings say to the other, "I'm calling shenanigans on you!" I had to take some very deep breaths to stop myself from shooting coffee clear out my nose. The best part about this phrase (well second to hearing the children use it correctly) is being able to vent frustrations about stuff around the kids. You'd loose your job if you say, "This is bullsh*t!" with kids around, but if you say, "I'm calling shenanigans!" the children give you an supportive nod.

Tonight I had to turn the heat on at my house and I'm calling shenanigans. What are you calling shenanigans on in your world?

Back to School!

Today was the first day of school. I'm tired so this is going to be short and to the point. School starting means you all get to read fun/interesting/strange stories about the children that are mine for the next 179 days...Lord help us all.

Things I should know after four years of teaching but forget every year:

1) DON'T wear heels for the first time in 3 months and expect your feet to be fine while walking on concrete all day.

2) Make 2 extra copies of everything. You will get new students in the middle of the day and have nothing for them.

3) If you make 2 extra copies, you will get 3 students. However if you make 4 copies you will get no new students.

4) Add an extra 10 minutes of time because you will be late going anywhere.

5) If you actually remember to add an extra 10 minutes you will arrive too early and be stuck outside of the building in 90 degree heat.

6) Plan past the first day.

7) If you plan past the first day you will have to re-do your plans because you didn't get through everything.

Pronouns, People and Perspective

All this week I am blogging as a member of Bloggers for Truth and sharing about my life, struggles, and how hate has affected me personally simply based upon my sexual orientation. Today's topic is labeled pronouns, people and perspective...can you guess where this is going?

By a show of hands, who has played the pronoun game? I'd venture to guess that if you are reading this as a member of the LGBT community you just raised your hand (or at least did in your mind if you are a weenie). If you aren't a member of the LGBT community you have probably been on the receiving end of the pronoun game whether you realized it or not. We all do it-we adjust pronouns to "they", "them", "they'll" and other various ways of not saying "he" or "she" as to leave out the gender of the person we are with or instead of using their name. Side note-how many of us only do this when our partners don't have "gender-neutral" names? I just realized that if they have a "gender-neutral" name like Chris, Jamie, Sam, etc. I use their name...just not the full version. Let me know in the comment section about what you do...I'm curious.

Anyway, why do we do this? Fear. Fear of being rejected, judged, chastised, condemned or fired. We play the game with our families, acquaintances, co-workers and even sometimes friends. We decide that people aren't ready for the truth, aren't capable of understanding, aren't willing to be accepting of us for who we are if we are honest with them. We do it to "protect" ourselves, "protect" the people we love, and "protect" those we are talking to. If we are honest with ourselves, how many times do we really need to do this for protection, and how many times is it out of being a coward? When we make a big deal out of the pronoun game, we are teaching society that there is something wrong with us. Please don't misinterpret what I write-there are times and places to play the pronoun game-when your job, security, and safety are at stake...but I'd venture to say that many of us play the game when it's not necessary, just more comfortable.

I admit that I play the pronoun game at work and am not ashamed of it. I hear the homophobic comments from co-workers, the jokes, etc. and just don't want any part of it. Sometimes I say something about it being inappropriate, but I'm not putting myself on the chopping block by telling them that I'm a big gay. I work with some homophobic people and can be fired, even though I kick-ass at my job, if they push for it. I also work with some awesome people who are "down with the gays," have more than 2 brain cells and figured it out from conversations and my facebook page. Other than work, I refuse to play the game. It takes too much work and is not worth it. If someone doesn't like that I date women, then I don't really care-their approval is not required for my happiness.

I challenge you to be uncomfortable, be honest, and be yourself-the uncomfortable will change to comfortable as you stop over thinking all the time. Use gender-specific pronouns, give people credit, and change your perspective as to how they will react. Sometimes they surprise you...but sometimes they don't.

Disappointed by society

I had another post I was planning to write, but after everything that has happened today I felt the need to write something else, and save what I was planning for tomorrow. Society has failed today on several levels and I'm in a rather foul mood.

Fail # 1: Money stolen at work.

Correction, a lot of money stolen at work. What makes it even worse, it that they stole from the kids. Second grade students brought in four dollars each to pay for an ice cream party and craft supplies. The money was put in two different drawers and only the classroom teachers knew who had it. They took the cash, left a check and the envelope. Kindergarten students brought in up to six dollars for Chick-Fil-A and craft supplies. Their money was hidden in a drawer, under paperwork, behind a box. The library money was stolen from a hidden cash box in the back of a cabinet. In all, four classrooms were broken into and money we had collected for end of year parties has all been taken-checks left behind. It was absolutely heartbreaking this morning. What are we going to tell the kids? How are we going to pay for everything? I don't know which is worse-if it was all stolen by a kid or one of the night custodians. It's a no-win situation and we have no idea how we are going to pay for everything. The students at our school do not come from affluent neighborhoods and over half of the school is on free/reduced lunch. Many of our parents have saved up in order to be able to send in the four dollar. We can't ask the parents to send in money again, I can't afford to pay for all of my students because the state government took back 5% of our paychecks this month (which is another rant for another day), and we are utterly screwed. School was consumed by an emotional dark cloud today and the stormy weather outside was an appropriate view for how we were all feeling.

Fail #2-California upholding the ruling on Prop. 8

As if having someone steal the money for parties wasn't bad enough, coming home and reading online that California has failed us all did not help. I do not live in California. I am not married. It still affects me. I do however live in the only state in the south that hasn't passed an anti-LGBT, anti-marriage constitutional amendment despite repeated attempts. As Prop. 8 has been unfolding my state has again been in the battle as to sign/or not sign an amendment. It's bad enough that we have to constantly fight for rights, it's an entirely different story when rights are given and then taken away. For those of you who are in committed relationships, I urge you to protect yourselves and the ones you love. State approval is not required, but some serious work is. There is a website (and book) called The Gay Marriage Alternative that gives a lot of information on how to create the same (if not more) rights than selective state-approved gay marriages. [stepping on my soapbox] Does it suck that California failed us? Yes. Does it mean we get all pissed, say it's not fair and demand people explain how who I love threatens them? Yes. Do we sit back and wait for state and federal laws to catch up with common sense? No. It's time our community educates and protects themselves, rather than sit back and wait for legislation to pass. Sorry if this post has become preachy, but it kills me when our community suddenly lets society dictate our lives. Do I believe that one day there will not be "regular marriage" and "gay marriage" but just "marriage" in the United States? Yes. One day. However we as a community have created our own lives, our own rules, our own structures of what a family is based upon being true to ourselves. Don't let politics stop us just because they control titles-we have ways of getting around the system. And really, isn't that what we've been doing to live our lives authentically? [stepping down...at least temporarily]

Double entendre of abbreviations

School has become my life (which we have already established in a previous post) with only 14 more days left. I have finally finished all of my assessments and am working on their report cards and updating their cumulative records. Girlfriend was reading over one of the many checklists-specifically the cumulative record checklist when all of a sudden she busts out laughing...I mean uncontrollably laughing. I was lost. There was nothing funny about the list, it just list the order for each folder: school picture, immunization records, report cards, vision test, etc. So naturally the conversation went something like this:

Girlfriend: (still laughing) Have you read this?

Me: Um, yeah...

Girlfriend: Really? You read this and didn't laugh?

Me: Um....no, I didn't laugh. Is there a major typo or something?

Girlfriend: Yeah, or something. Read it again.

I began to read it again in my head and she stopped me, insisting I read it out loud.

Me: Staff, please double check the cumulative before going on. Mistakes make a mess for everyone, refer to the instructions attached if you are not sure about the cumulative process. There. What is so f*cking funny? (as girlfriend is dying laughing)

Girlfriend: Baby, that is NOT what it says!!! This is what it actually states, listen carefully. Staff, please double check the cum before going on. Mistakes make a mess for everyone, refer to the instructions attached if you are not sure about the cum process.

Me: You are ridiculous, you know that in the school world c-u-m is short for cumulative right, and it's pronounced with a long u sound...

Girlfriend: I don't care, it's funnier this way.

Cheep Cheep Cheep Chacheep

We have baby chicks in the classroom! (and yes, they are there on purpose...) We have been taking care of eggs and I have been terrified of accidentally killing the eggs, but rest assured all but 1 egg has hatched and the room is a peep, cheep, chacheeping...just in time for end of grade testing to begin! My kids and I are loving them, I only wish that they stayed cute and fluffy for longer than a week. After a week they start to look like regular old chickens and are no longer tiny adorable creatures to be kept in the classroom.

In leu of the chickens, my students are writing about a time when 100 baby chicks hatched in the classroom. Here have been my two favorite things they came up with: 1) the chicks kicked over my coffee cup, drank the coffee and started peeping in circles 2) they played Hide-and-go-peep and Peep-a-boo with the chicks. My kids are fun, the chicks are fun, being quiet while 3-5th grades are testing...not fun. There are 14 days left of school, and we are ALL counting down.

In other non-school related news my dog is in love with Q (Girlfriend's dog) which we all know. However something happened Saturday night. Girlfriend and I went to bed and the dogs were fine. B was Q's bitch (as usual) but when we woke up there was a distinct shift in power. B was no longer bringing him toys, rather he was taking the toys away from Q and had decided that he was going to be a top. Poor Q. He was so excited to be in charge of his little twinkie for once, but alas, B's wiener has been sprayed several times with a squirt bottle of ice water for his behavior. Don't get me wrong, it's funny for a few minutes, but quickly turns twisted and uncomfortable for us.

This weekend B is going to Girlfriend's new place and is going to meet her cat while we are staying there. Cross your fingers that he likes cats...this can go very well or horribly wrong...

Excuses Excuses

Jeeze Louise, I am SOOOO behind on my blogging and reading of blogs...but I have a good excuse. Isn't there always a good excuse? I mean I hear excuses all freaking day, none of them are ever good but that's okay with me. My students are seven and still working out the kinks on "good versus lame" excuses. Anyway, back to my point: there are less than thirty days left of school and unfortunately work has temporarily become my life. I promise to be back in my rhythm soon (soon is a relative term with end of year stuff taking over) with stories galore.